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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

EDUCATION REVIEW – SIMON SAYS!

The demographics of all levels of society have changed drastically. When I was in school at Karachi Grammar the life of a student and its parent was very innocent and the primary focus on quality education was something which has stuck with me today. At that time we as students were not scared of what happened if we had to stand outside a classroom rather we were terrified at the respect we would get at home when it came to justifying our mischief.

Today parents have no time and caught between the insecurities of a plastic world and meeting unrealistic goals to cram in the most out of what they can get from any vendor or dealer has changed the element of quality drastically to an insane focus upon a reality based upon quantity. Even if one looks at the trickledown effect one can see that schools have mushroomed that create textbook zombies like a factory mass producing a product that has no ability to reason and the establishment of a brutal clique system is what has occurred.

Many people have started focusing on their intake rather than their grade point average that is achieved and at every level there are hidden costs. A parent spends on an average about ten thousand in monthly fees to the school, add the cost of transport and it comes to about four thousand a month… lunch money and tuck shop amenities will cost about seven thousand as the child cannot eat a sandwich rather must injest soggy bakery pizzas which are loaded with cholesterol and if you add in the books and computer shop visits then the rack on another three thousand rupees, ok now if you child is weak then you have to pay for extra classes which range from four thousand to ten thousand so lets assume six thousand and if your child needs two tuitions then make it twelve thousand to close the deal… But wait this exclusive club membership has hidden costs that you will be hit with for various activities which are in the brochure as free but now you have to pay for them or take your sprog and go elsewhere and this comes to roughly about thre thousand rupees. – Phew you think its over no way just multiply this figure by twelve months so in reality the cost of educating your child to a substandard education will be in the ball park figure of not less than USD 8 to 10,000… do the math and you will realize that all that is promised in the degree is nothing short of a great con job by an industry we used to respect so much…

I am glad to say that that there is a school where SIMON SAYS really works. Simon is a principal at ace international academy which is VERRRRY expensive (not really) wait I correct my words! Simon is an educationist with years of international experience in the educational line of work and one man who is jolly and has earned the respect of his students by defying the norms of a ridiculous system. He is the custodian of several young lives and is supported by Negin Mofatkar (a diplomats wife) who works with him to ensure that Ace International Academy provides quality and does not promote the development of a rude cheeky robot.

I have spoken to these people and their students as I live in the vicinity and am amazed by the fact that what is on the brochure and on the website is actually delivered as a one window solution with no hidden charges for a parent and that the child does not get caught up in social politics… Yes it is expensive on the front because the simple honesty of not giving the parents a lethal injection via hidden charges is what Simon and his team are against.

One day as a resident of Bahria Town I called the school as I had a tiff with one of its bus drivers (oh yes the school has a brilliant set of buses that look like school buses and not milk delivery vans) . Rather than being shrugged off Simon called back not knowing who I was and when our conversation was over I apologized to him for my outburst. I respect the man for his honesty and dedication to what he does. He educated not only students and provides them via his team a full education that one could only find in the hallways of Rugby and Eaton by involving a very strong policy for extracurricular activities. By the time you child comes home they can be a child and enjoy their time with you and not have you take on added stress with tuitions that are ridiculously expensive should the schools have actually done their jobs between 8 to one. All it does is rob a child of the ability to be a child and creates unhealthy competition.

It is very sad that Ace International is only a program for day scholars and not boarders as it has a fantastic international team to create a well-rounded graduate and deliver what a parent expects of their child after the big o levels. If ou look at the website then please decide for yourself if you want a cheeky robot or a normal child and if cost is in question please consider reading the third paragraph - you will see that an ace education is very affordable… all you have to do is plan ahead and get one receipt rather than a file of unexpected add ons that were promised to you in the first place… Thank you Simon it is a very educational experience knowing you… The funny thing is I’m planning to be a parent and your school has cleared a lot for me.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

EMOTIONAL POLITICS AT PLAY

PLEASE WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW BEFORE YOU READ MY COMMENTS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncSKRVIwNWA&feature=player_embedded#at=507

A brilliant way for Shahzaman who I have met personally and has claimed that he is a resident cum native of Dubai to launch his political career… All the great politicians begin this way… Imran Khan started by crying tears when he won the world cup... Nawaz was a victim when he was ousted and became overtly religious…

Bottom line emotion is a powerful thing and to bitch and moan everyone can do? What does it mean to try and create an illusion that all is bad… This is totally not true and if people are miserable living in this country where they elected a government themselves then why are they not supporting it…

We need solutions and this bitching and moaning via a social network is ridiculously gross and disgusting… if people want to revolt then we cannot stop them and id people don’t want electricity at a time when it is abundant then please come up with a practical solution rather than screaming that the president and the prime minister have failed – go back to the roots of your issues put your worries aside and think… you elected them you put them in office so why the hell do you complain that you are living in a failed state because you elected them?

If this guy is trying to be another politician just because he has launched a few songs and is able to swing his hips someone needs to tell him that his time is running out… he is losing his hair still has a quick exit policy and his late night escapades with various elements of society need to be addressed… paying for social services really does not allow him to duck an electricity bill…

Further to add to the quotations of Islam this man is nothing but a tool and in reality a real tool as he has the luxury of running away and hiding behind a sand dune… if he has a solution tell him to put in his papers and try to be a part of the government rather than shouting outside the halls of a government that is effective and has a system… This government can only be successfully if we as a nation learn to put it before us and not use the frustrations of a natural disaster as a fueling point for stupid distractions…

I question his intellect and am disgusted by the fact that this capitalist chappy who told me that he will not get on a stage unless he has cash in his hand on the day of a national function uses emotion to try to win a futile battle against a government that his so called people elected…

PRODUCT REVIEW - A TABLET THAT YOU CAN DIGEST!

When apple came out with the IPAD it was something I looked forward to and after using it I became very dismayed that all my hopes and dreams were quashed as it was basically a larger version of an ipod and a toy that I found only useful to a geriatric who needed to hold a screen big enough to play their songs. As a business tool it was fragile and useless and defied all the laws that a conventional business would need. So in short it was just a frail effort that apple came out with to try and excite the overtly gay mac user.

After this as I am coder I was introduced to the new RIM 9800 which was as we call a hybrid – an iphone with blackberry services… Ho hum now we can get mails and still look at a small screen… When the PLAYBOOK was an idea I was worried that RIM had stretched its self too thin and it was going to be a disaster merging the world of multimedia with the world of business… Sadly I am wrong and RIM has done an excellent job at bringing business to the MAC world.

The playbook is a powerful tool and is capable of several multitasking functions yet with the ability to enforce serious gaming and graphical attributes that it boasts… The play book is not a toy rather it is the ultimate weapon for the new corporate soldier. This tablet has everything that one could want with expansion capabilities and a standby time that is unheard of… It has the ability to remotely login and control an entire government facility and also has two cameras one in the front and one at the back which allow you to smile at a person and take multiple images or record hi definition movies at the same time…

The new operating system is superfast and you will be sure that when your torches go out and you’re in the dark the playbook will allow you the luxury of dancing to the tunes that you missed on the radio whilst delivering your invoices to those who need them in a glance.

This is not a toy – repeat it is a weapon that will have the ability to make you or break you if you sit down and once get adjusted to its complexities… The funny thing is that since RIM has created a perfect hybrid that merges all the functions that one would need it makes me question one thing… Is this the next gen laptop from a company that made ugly phones… They say if you dress anything in black it will look good and the playbook looks damn sexy. The image its design conveys is that of pure beauty and sleek class that one finds hard to buy.

The best thing is that whilst it’s a tablet one can conveniently hide it away in a medium sized handbag as it is not at all bulky. Rather this book I am sure will be the easiest to swallow tablet that any tech company made. With this in mind I am happy to state that RIM today is one company that has evolved with time and adapted to the need to of the consumer and one of the best things that RIM has done is price it right… Sadly the saying “once you go MAC there’s no turning back! Is no longer true as this is the future from a company that has managed to draw the line and mark its self as one who understands its clients… For the first time RIM is allowing its consumers to define what they want by writng applications that they will actually use globally… For more information please see what is written on BBC website and I look forward to you trying the playbook… I know it will be a brilliant investment… If you’re looking for what to do with your IPAD my suggestion is that it would make a funky coaster for your coffee…
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-11416190

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

People tell me that I write about serious issues and it goes against my image of being someone who laughs and jokes around. So I was on the hunt for a subject to write on – Now the topic had to be interesting – educational as well as convey some form of serious issue… Then when I heard that some girl in a college was being sexually harassed by some cool dude I realized how lucky I was… Aha the perfect issue to write on! Ok now I found out that this chick was going to go the conventional method of launching complaints and try to see what justice she would be able to find from a geriatric principal who was a male… I realized that I should map out the way for this innocent child to completely turn the tables of sexual harassment around and teach this loser a lesson.

First let’s understand the person who harasses someone and what the other name for harassment is. The more politically not so correct term is a form of bullying. Most bullies are insecure people who prey on victims that will not be able to fight back or at least they think so. When dealing with a bully or a sexual harasser one needs to fight fire with fire and this method I know will work. The reason is before I got married I was also someone who was a known offender of the innocent kind… People who bully are under the illusion that they are in control of the situation so in order to destroy them one needs to do the following…
Become friendly to the person harassing you – he or she is after one thing only as you the victim, are a conquest to him or her. As soon as you start a dialog ensure that you lead the person on so brutally that they fall completely in lust with you (not love) that means give them hope of fireworks on the fourth of July atop mount Everest but never deliver the reality that they are suckers… When you have to meet the person always make sure you are never alone rather in front of people and in a crowd. Your investment in this will be 100 rupees worth of sms messages that will promise the person that they are Casanova and you are reality but in fact a black widow. Sexually frustrated people usually once they get a hope that there is light somewhere at the end of the tunnel will defy all forms of logic and spend endlessly in the form of mobile credit and tons of gifts to get to the promised land. Be sure that you have an extremely expensive list of things that you periodically ask for thus destroying the person’s ability to balance any form of funds taken from daddy or from selling their sisters mobile…

When you are at public places ensure that you always order the most expensive thing and when in a group which you should be you are advised to ensure you make a quick retort that questions a person’s place in society – like are you sure you can afford it – bottom line politely humiliate without causing a scene. Also when you have close friends of the bully nearby make sure that you establish a brilliant relationship with them and that the bully is not your focus rather your attention will be on the bully who sexually offended you… Yes the saying all is fair in love and war is very true – this is war and you cannot take any prisoners… Your victory lies in the brutal assassination of a human being from all points so that he or she realizes that they are not invincible… Bottom line… bullies move onto many victims and this is a serial trait which needs to be dealt with like a snake… cut off the head and you have won…

Ok we got to the bit of messing with the bank budget – destroying social circles that the person has and now we move on to the destruction of trust… make sure that you establish that this bully is questioned at every step by their family so get to know them well too… pass comments that question that persons credibility like – the work or exam was easy but why did it take you so long… are you still smoking up… are you using protection with your friends … where do you get all this extra money as your family is humble and honest…

Bullies usually find victims away from them and are cowards… so the bottom line of handling a bully is to grab them by what hurts them the most – their egos… as the person tries to establish a distance from you as now basically you are a pain in the butt and too uncomfortably close use those friends that were the bullies and now yours to spread a rumor that the person is suffering from various sexually transmitted diseases or social stigmas like hanging out with transvestites and is extremely kinky… Once the bully finds out they will do the rest by actually screaming like a 5 year old who has lost its toy and do the rest of the work for you and in reality implode with anger…

Wow amazing huh all it takes is three weeks to destroy a human being and that too by capitalizing on the seven deadly sins which are their weaknesses… Oh yeah… make sure that at all times you remember how much pain they caused you and focus your anger at not getting mad rather getting even…

QUOTES THAT AFFECT REAL ESTATE INVESTMENT

There is a saying that I love and live by “friends don’t need excuses and enemies really don’t care”. This is very true for the property world or the real estate industry Of Pakistan. If one looks at most of the cases within the penal system or that are in the courts for civil litigation then one would easily be able to understand that our legal system is either tied up in too much paperwork for fraudulent property files and disputes over succession rights or people trying to prove that their version of reality is true for the marital issues running around in all social circles of society…

There is also a saying that “one can make a choice investment in property and build upon it with the way that property rates appreciate”. This one however is not true as due to the current situation and the juggling of the not so legal disorder that us Pakistanis have had to brutally be a witness to. So this leaves me with my third quote which is very true. “man is a strange creature – he cuts down trees to harvest them for paper – on which he writes recycle paper and don’t cut trees”.

Further to add to this one must realize that whilst the world of the seven deadly sins plagues us in the form of who and what to trust property is no longer something that one can buy with their eyes closed. People now are viciously averse to trusting a property dealer and prefer to buy something from some they trust and know they can depend upon. I have watched many companies in Pakistan struggle to sell their dream to people here in Pakistan and after the hack con job of getting seed money for the promised investment the sales person on behalf of the developer becomes a recovery agent.

To add to this one must look at history because all the wars and battles right up to the current situation in Afghanistan is being fought over land rights. Be it in acres or if the plot in question is a tiny piece of insignificant area if it has any value in any form there will always be someone who has an evil eye on it which will lead to a dispute… If one needs to establish how lifestyles have changed then one needs to focus upon Karachi. Most residents of Karachi are under the illusion that where ever they live in their little world be it an apartment or an independent unit they are happy as long as that bit of land has been handed down over the decades. This is because they know that what happened up until the late eighties can and will not be questioned in a court of law.

To spin off into a tangent did you know that if you shoot a man dead within the confines of your home. You can almost never get arrested if you claim self-defense and use our property laws in effect to trespassing. Yes Pakistan’s legal system has many loop holes and if you can prove that the person who is dead has trespassed onto your residential property which you are the current owner and occupant of then you can almost get away Scott three quashing the dafa number 302.

Also the property world has changed and whilst companies are now trying – like DHA / NHA etc to promote the concept of community living either in a stack formation by selling apartments or houses in cluster formations very few have been successful. Community living is not something new rather it promotes that aspect of citizens living in a community where they have a support system in the form of being good neighbors. If you would like to establish a good place to live then today you have many choices. We suggest that whilst the world is brutally dishonest one look at the history and the reality behind what one buys… before a person can delve any further into trying a piece of property as an investment it is strongly recommended that investors look at the history behind the developer and the management company in question.

Pakistan is a beautiful place and no matter where you live you should always make a decision that will not be emotional at all. If you are an investor this is probably the right time to seek the advice of a professional establishment before you decide to invest in a home. Today with inflation vs the savings you do it is extremely difficult to build a home let alone buy a property… If you need advice then there are those people who could help you build that dream into a reality and will earn your trust. So yes there is a silver lining at the end of the dark cloud… ask e and ill tell you where to go… you would laugh at me but I assure you that we will giggle together when you see a solid investment that will pay you back!

REALITY IN A VIRTUAL WORLD

Today if one has to question what the most precious commodity is then it’s very to assume that “time is certainly the most precious commodity that one has. With Time you can make money but with money one cannot buy back time. Also as of late in the social circles for the past five years I have been listening to people complain about needing therapy. Some think that an eventual cure may lie in a chemical solution (Prozac lithium etc…) or if one gets therapy… also over the past five years I have noticed that clinics are opening up to provide a form of cure to a very common social issue known as addiction… the bottom line is that being online is the worst form and most damaging form of addiction that has plagued us…

More marriages are being dissolved over texting and many innocent lives being destroyed by what we know as social networking media… People are happy sitting in their cubicles late at nights as technology which was made to establish that stuff could be done faster has opened many avenues of distraction thus increasing the amount of time one spends sitting behind a desk. In my humble philosophy of life we have allowed technology to twist our way of thinking and enslaving us thus making us desk potatoes and destroying most forms of procrastination that I was aware of as a child like hanging out with my buddies to play cricket redundant as the computer has taken over…

The online addiction syndrome needs to be addressed with brute aggression and company’s need to establish a fine line between entertainment and healthy activities. The slowdown of people leaving a real world and establishing a domain in the virtual world leads us back to think at how much cardiac and other diseases are on the rise. People have now started developing carpal syndrome – coagulated arteries and many other issues related to being a desk potato.

There was a time when it was great to discover stuff about someone and know them in real life… there was a joy in courting the opposite sex and discovering the negatives and positives and actually understanding the reality of making a significant decision when it came to choosing a partner. Today people can easily google a name get the complete history and see how ones virginity was restored in a clinic after that being spent years in a Cuban prison for terrorism. Today almost all the airborne attacks on the northern regions of Pakistan are done by drones that are flown from somewhere in Utah in the united states where a pilot puts in more time on a simulator than having a firms grip of reality. Also what tools one uses to look cool are brutally aggressive in destroying the old school principles of business where people look at each other as a number and no longer as a human being…

As a global world we need to define activities that are centered around being away from the technology world and around more active and physically engaging sports that do not limit the activity to the clicking of a mouse sitting in a shady room. We need to start focusing on defining lines or boundaries when the work ends and the fun begins… Should we as a world start becoming more active then we could start throwing away blood thinners and anti cholesterol medications that we so eagerly ingest…

If we take time to invest in our selves then maybe we could increase our lives by another 10 – 12 years think about it as you read this post and ask your self how active you really are…

Friday, September 24, 2010

VOIP FOR DUMMIES

Today the word V-O-I-P = “VOIP”, is a common Telco terminology that is used by those who often have no comprehension of the possibilities that the world of technology can deliver. Ever since half the world switched to fiber from copper and we threw away analog exchanges to have digital interfaces the possibilities of what we could achieve with technology became something we could as humans not evolve with. VOIP is an essential part to any business and people think and try to establish that VOIP only benefits those who are able to deliver offshoring solutions.

The telco world has evolved beyond the vision that it portrayed almost a decade ago. Today an organization can easily establish a powerful communications hub using a virtual environment and deliver results that are unimaginable at such savings that defy the norms of what billing one sees on a daily basis. The reason is that technology has made it possible for you to carry your global identity with you no matter where you are in the world. You could be at a conference in Japan or even sitting drinking margaritas in Mexico and have that one global identity. In short VOIP has the ability to resolve your data / voice / communications needs on an immediate basis that would not hurt you or your wallet at all. Today the world of VOIP is in a triple play format where you could do anything you possibly want in the form of communications and remote monitoring not only for business but for family and recreational needs too.

There are brilliant companies that can help you get up and running and have the ability to port one global identity to an unlimited number of local numbers within multiple countries. Yes you do have that one number. If you would like to get an unlimited number of DID’s or as we say in common language there are a lot of companies that would be very happy to ensure that you get them at a bulk. One of the best ones I could recommend is DID-X. This is one company that will not only help you build a communications gateway in the form of providing numbers from multiple host countries at a bulk rate they will also ensure that you are advised properly and set up in such a manner that your return on investment is guaranteed.

There are many resources on the internet to find out how to set up an exchange and how to ensure that your entire family or office can communicate through one single mode where you don’t go crazy having multiple bills from multiple providers in multiple countries. There are also many vendors who will ensure that no matter who your carrier is you are able to achieved focused and direct results from whatever it is that you so wish to establish in the form of personal to business needs.

Today mastering the communication and the information industry is purely an essential tool to being successful tomorrow. The funny thing is that by the time tomorrow comes today will be old and forgotten. If you are looking for a consultant that can keep up with your needs and the demands to evolve with time I would recommend that you don’t keep all your eggs in one basket and start having multiple vendors so that you don’t have any loss or as we know as down time… The world is quick to change and the environment is very unpredictable and viciously versatile when it comes to doing business which relies upon information. The best thing is that if you are able to master the world of VOIP and communications it could be something which defines how your balance sheet looks at the end of the year irrespective of the fact that you are Major Corporation or a small time one window outlet for printing services…

Thursday, September 23, 2010

THE CONTACTS THAT MATTER!

Whether we like it or not Pakistan runs on “contacts”! if you want something done either a three rupee phone call will resolve your issue via a contact or your cap ex will significantly go up with the variables involved. For the past three days I did not write a thing because I was sitting and observing the bashing the HEC (Higher Education Commission) received in the form of threats, demonstrations and the resignations of some overtly aggressive educationists who got very worried when it was announced that budgets were being slashed.

I am extremely appreciative of Mr. Laghari, Dr. Mukhtar, Dr. Naqvi and their team for having withstood all the bashings and till this morning sticking to their pens (educationists don’t use guns) and fighting for our investment in the form of human resource abroad. I figured it out that even a fruitwala on the street corner knows someone who can mess up your day. So in short my philosophy is that if we all know each other who know each other then we invented facebook long before some geek put a structure to it. Just think about it.

Ok the solution is simple – we all have to use the AMWAY effect to make this work. If you find five brutally honest partners in crime of some place in society and trust them then tell them to talk to their five friends who matter for the HEC. The good thing is that PTCL will make millions in the form of phone calls going back and forth and this ripple effect will probably get some attention. Today people only do something for those who can do something for them. The HEC has scores of students out there who are under a contract to come and serve Pakistan. So rather than making a noise in an empty room sit down and talk to those who matter and if society wants a change and they want transparency this is the way to do it. CONTACTS!

The HEC needs your contacts and you only use them for personal gain so why not get your contacts to cash in favors owed to you in the form of a phone call that will eventually lead to good government that will be educated. This country was formed on an ideology but it takes people to make that movement happen. Today you may not have much to look forward to and many people to trust. So why not make your own ideology and trust yourself and talk to five contacts that could talk to their five contacts and make a ripple down effect for society. Isn’t it amazing that Pakistan was a physical facebook before we even put a name on it… Contacts do matter and people trust people who are somehow linked to each other – Oh wait maybe even they got the idea of linked in from us… what copy cats!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

ILLITERACY IN EDUCATION

We are always in the process of judging someone or under the influence that someone is judging us. No matter what society you come from or what truck driver raised you the reality is that you are a victim of being bashed by a society that has refused to evolve with time… Sadly the same goes for education. Today education is the dirtiest Neanderthal age old word that one could use as I find that no matter what society, school, university or hall of education one goes through they are worse of than before they went in.

Our society on another hands in the past 6 years has learnt to commonly use words like Ritalin, efexor, Prozac, lithium, and the favored abbreviated terms of endearment amongst parents of any class are shrink, spock doc, and psych. The parents of today are caught up in a race against time to see how much excitement they can fill into their lives and children have become a secondary priority often left in the care of someone who they feel they can trust because of the slit eyes and ability to say yes master. Often when a child is of the age of ten he or she faces immense amount of pressure from a jury consisting of a very vicious society.

Back to education, when I was a child we did not know what a computer looked like so we slaved for months with the odd tuition to ensure that we got a grade so that we could make it to a good school. There was a healthy competition and we enjoyed trying to be the best achievers. Those were different times and education was an institution. Ever since the nineties it has become a factory where you do your time and once done you are awarded the pension in the form of a piece of paper which says you survived through the confusing battles that you have had to fight. Battles yes, because even though the brand names sell entry to a promised land where society fame and fortune is the goal one does not realize the journey that a child will have to make will brutally destroy every element of his or her sanity.

I personally feel that the stages of evolution that are defined by the big O and then the huge A are a ridiculous form of torture to a modern day child. Today children are perceptive and can adapt to change much faster as when they are born the first thing they see is technology when mommy or daddy take a picture with their million megapixel blackberry and post it on face book. Isn’t it weird that as a parent it took you a life time to adapt to the computer and here as soon as the umbilical cord is cut you document the whole tragedy of the destruction of innocence by being the one who lit the match… I bet my words make you think huh! As kids are educated by a hybrid method of sound experience and video it is ridiculous that we define their place in society by these two redundant exams which I myself am proud to state that I failed. Yes I was the victim of a society where I was judged by the nerdy book smart attitude of my aunts as they would gloat as to how many stars their prodigy had attained and the end result was the mental and emotional destruction of a child – ME! Funny thing is I managed to make it through and today as I do have a choice I realized how brutal society has become and maybe a brand name school is not the right choice for my child as it might be educated but illiterate beyond belief to the awareness in the reality of the here and the now.

As the world has changed parents will always make the same ones that their parents did and blindly overlook the true potential of their children and their own agendas will often lead to a very dysfunctional adult. To create a society one needs to be a part of it by being themselves one needs to understand the business of education. Today establishments are not looking for children who burn out after attaining a million degrees. Companies today are on the hunt for well-rounded people and they are getting fewer with each exam that takes place. Today the biggest exam is getting through life and whilst there are a few essential things that one needs to teach a child a parent needs to understand that every individual has its own way of inwardly digesting information at their own pace.

Pakistan needs to revise its social standards of education and revise the way they bring up their child because the world is disgustingly cruel and even though the world will forgive a child with the punishment of humiliation… our Pakistani society will never let that child live in peace or forget that its ok and allow the wounds of failure to heal… Now remember the words like Ritalin, efexor, Prozac, lithium, how many do you want your children to remember?

BEAUTIFUL FROM THIS ANGLE (BOOK REVIEW)

BEAUTIFUL FROM THIS ANGLE (BOOK REVIEW)
As all my friends are from the arty farty world of style I have always watched them from up close and afar try to achieve some kind of spiritual nirvana in their creativity. In my critical world of brutally harsh opinions one star has managed to shine through and make a difference and I’m please to say that today she has published a book through Penguin Books. She is remarkably to the point, witty and disgustingly original in a world which harbors on plagiarism from the west as an accepted norm of creativity in the subcontinent.

Her name was Magoo as I knew her at the Sind Club when she was like Three feet high. Today when I completed the brilliant novel BEAUTIFUL FROM THIS ANGLE, I realized that Maha Khan Phillip’s had reached amazing heights as an amazing author who whilst not leaving the grip of reality paints an amazing yet surreal depiction of Karachi and the beauty within its ugly societies. I am a great fan of Salvador Dali and having met him at the end of the eighties before his death in Florida at the opening of his Museum in St. Petersburg I was educated as to what originality was. After that in all my travels around the world I never fund such brilliance in literary or any art content. After reading this book I know that this genius if alive would sit down and cry at the originality in the subliminal messages and extremely well crafted surreal flow of the novel.

This book is an amazing read for all walks of life and actually an interesting lesson as to what pleasure and pain one feels in trying to be the it crowd. Whilst we Karachiites are oblivious to the world beyond Clifton bridge Maha has depicted clearly that irrespective of the physical proximity one still feels the distance in relationships and no matter whether you drive a signature vehicle or if you smoke a King Edward cigar there are issues faced by every element of society… I always clapped in an audience when someone achieved something in my jolly bunch of pirates from the KAS & KGS crowd – Today I want to be the first one to lead a standing ovation for someone who is remarkably well versed in literary content! I strongly urge you to read this book and I guarantee that you will embrace the dictator and not divorce him and will love the brilliance of feudalism fused with the art world… Well done Maha! I am eagerly waiting for your next concoction of words.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

TELL A WHORE!

We are living in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan and some of the best things about this country are the family values that we try to protect and preserve even though every new generation tries to flex the muscles of confusion to our elders. The beauty of our language is divine and the family values of respect we stand by define who we are.

Lately all that has been shattered by a great company that I respected. A Telco has re-launched its new WAP or internet based service and used subliminal degradation of all the values that define a new concept known as TELL A WHORE INTERNET… I wonder how this company with a clear understanding the Norwegian way of doing business by playing dirty kept its self-clear and free of all media related bashings which led us to an entertaining match between two Telco’s that ended in an indigo colored teri mehrbani…

It’s simply ridiculous that it is portrayed via this ad that any one with this mobile tell a whore connection will have access to all kinds of kinky desires by our female citizens. Not only is it degrading to women rather a complete bashing of what we believe to be known as Pakistani Family values… This is my opinion that if one has to fight a game of numbers then why is it focused on using sex or something taboo in our society to get that sudden influx of people to try a service that they will be disappointed in and eventually ad to the rubble of illegal Sims… This is the biggest nightmare that the geeks at PTA are constantly in an argument with the Telco’s about…

Whoever was responsible for commissioning this campaign should have used more creative elements that defined family values and honest business practices to gain a stronger and more dependent customer base… There is too much information out there whether we like it or not and even though we claim to be marketer’s our egos once in the telco world don’t allow us the luxury to get a firm grip on reality of the here and the now. I guess this was a desperate attempt to gain a burst of non-consistent customers and is highly ridiculous as its insults our Pakistani upbringing… But what do I know? I’m just a geek with an opinion!

THE HUMILIATION IN VICTORY!

Lately Pakistan has become a rocking swimming pool filled with agony pain and strife! Even the UN sent SALT to come and help us heal our open wounds… But this agony that has been cause by uncontrollable acts of God is nothing compared to the un-necessary destruction of an entire nation’s morale which is already beaten, downtrodden, smashed and destroyed by what has happened to it.

Last night on the news I was watching all my TV channels and I noticed that the news was torn between good and bad news… The frightening elements were that whilst Pakistan was being rocked by an earthquake the media was declaring our victory in the United Kingdom at the oval. As people started rejoicing someone in a top hat decided that their tea and crumpets don’t taste so good so they decided to proclaim that a brilliant defeat was rigged.

The amusing thing is I want to delve into history by stating that I guess this humiliation in defeat started on August the 14th 1947. The Bulldogs never got over the fact that they had to give back what was never theirs. As we are the stepchild of a nation who wanted and still wants a lot from us in the form of resources it openly refuses to acknowledge that the mem-saab era is over. The new faction in the british free mason class have come to power and are obnoxiously open in declaring that anything east of its borders is unworthy of respect. I am shocked to hear that this witch hunt for corruption has not ended as in the United Kingdom it is still legal to gamble and they believe that all the revenues from dog racing or cock fighting or ball watching goes to feed their social security needs.

Forget gambling the main issue is that what on earth is Britain thinking when the declare that a match is rigged by one team especially when it takes two sides to play this game. Let’s not get emotional here just sit and think for a minute even if there is gambling going on then, that nation in the united kingdom openly endorses it… Now go further back to the 1700’s. When the Brits went west looking for land they saw America… They met Red Indians how did they destroy them… They infiltrated it with two elements to entirely rupture a complete way of life based upon spirituality known as alcohol and gambling. Once the red Indians were no longer in their senses they gambled and made them lose their land. To establish they were superior they imported human beings from Africa and eventually between the Boston Tea Party and the Texas massacre they were left divided themselves…

I’m ending my short note just as a protest that when one is defeated one needs to understand it and not bear a grudge as that is not at all sportsman like at all… I only have one question to ask the British the Chinese don’t play cricket so what are they going to get them for as they also had to withdraw from Hong Kong? Post your comments and share this with the world…

TO SELL OR NOT TO SELL!

I have been told several times that I am always selling something! Be it a car, movie theater, event, lifestyle or a foreign tour abroad you name it… I sell it! Someone even went so far as to tell me that I should wear an overcoat with pockets in it that carry my umpteen products just like a hustler on the street… When someone meets me they usually get confused because I talk too fast… throw a lot at them to inwardly digest and ramble from topic to topic never sticking to one main core issue… This they tell me is my downfall in “selling” whatever it is I am. I even went so far as to buy a domain name salesforcepk.com and when I announced it to a few people I got mixed reactions as they thought it to be a condiment item in the various protein shake of things that I delved into over the past years…

Yesterday, I was in the process of trying to get some cars registered for my company Islamabad Limos and whilst sitting bargaining the various elements of life and what to write in my next article I realized I was not getting anywhere… After a few cups of chai and soggy biscuits I left with a bigger headache and realized that I was stuck in the limbo of mental flatulence… Yes my virginity of never having a brain fart as a self-proclaimed writer had been robbed! I was the witness to a new feeling of what is known as writers block… I knew deep down inside the gas was there but it was stuck somewhere in the neurons of my mind leaving me with the uncomfortable urge to exhale it but I did not know how. I write on social issues and yes I sell the positivity in life because all the bad news on the television leaves us with the feeling of being incompetent and at the end of the day with a viciously ridiculous attitude that is harmful to ourselves.

So I decided to write about some great salesmen starting with me who is not so famous and a few others and how they made it in life… often I give sales strategies to those who understand their brands best know how to do it with big budgets and are constantly having to justify forecasts that are not currently tangible in ones existing asset inventory. Ok let’s get serious and before we go any further let’s take a look at ourselves. Now understand this one thing which is simple! “WE ARE ALL SALES PEOPLE!” Whether we like it or not we are Pakistani’s and the minute we cross the threshold of sanctuary in the womb and open our eyes our sales training begins! As infants and adolescents our parents sell us to our relatives so that we are accepted socially (who knows color, sex, and our entire anatomy most of all complexion is usually justified). As our umbilical cord of dependence on our parents is cut and we begin the destruction of our innocence with schooling we have to sell ourselves to find a place in institutions of higher learning and the plagued confused societies of today. As we grow hair in our nether regions and reach adulthood we have to sell ourselves to find the most suitable partner in crime to support our journey towards the inevitable. So in short we are always selling ourselves whether we like it or not. The best graphic form to describe this is to sit down with a box of popcorn and watch Disney’s Lion King… This is the circle of life!

As we are all good sales people I would like to inform you what traits you need to develop to become a vicious sales person and what skills you need to sharpen. The first and most important one is the ability to listen and most of all hear. Most salesmen fail because the know what to say and seldom never understand when it is time to shut up. A deadly salesman knows what NOT to say! As a sales man if you focus on meeting the needs of a client and give them a solution that will actually benefit them then automatically their wants will become secondary. Try this, if you have a child that is hungry and wants pizza hut then try making a good looking chicken sandwich and serve it with what you feel would be healthy. Don’t force it on your offspring rather ask them to try it… now as the fact is established that they are hungry – your goal is to give them healthy food… but put your goal aside. Make the food fun for them and ask not demand that they try it. I guarantee that after they try the first bite and the food has crossed the gullet you will not need to argue with how great your lentils and beans taste…

The second is a trait which we all have adopted and that is to have a delusional grip on the reality of the here and now… Try this, if you have any member of your family that is an introvert and all your highly qualified therapist relatives have been trying to get into that beings brain then why not use a different approach… Understand that person and focus on what makes them an introvert… If that person is averse to group settings find some natural quality time with the person in an environment where they feel comfortable and then don’t discuss the issue at hand (smoking, drinking, sex, their friends you don’t like etc.) Just use the jester approach and become an idiot… It usually helps if you talk about your past failures and what almost broke you in life from a funny perspective… Use the weapon of laughter to destroy the walls of insecurity and don’t stop talking about what an idiot you are… usually after a session or two the trust will develop and you could gain an insight into who your kid sister is dating and why? Also if you understand the reality then the subject will subliminally tell you what the need as a solution to their problem…

The third and final point as a salesman that I will discuss is very essential. Every salesman MUST follow this point as it would be crucial to defining their success in this forest filled with fires. Be it your employer your spouse and whoever you should never commit to something you cannot achieve. Develop this respect for yourself and then your surrounding fraternity of thieves (relatives and peers). Realize what you can do and state that… There is no harm in trying to do something but it is devastating to be a David in a world of Goliaths today… Now if you don’t commit to something then don’t demand a salary… All the great salesmen including me live by the commission example of life… (pimp, tout, lawyer, gambler) are other names used to define us so let’s not live up that name. If you are honest with your job then you will not ask for a salary. What defines a great salesman is that he could be in the midst of twenty objections and his paycheck would define his success but his ability to convert the objection into an obstacle and over come it with honest facts rather than empty promises…

Also a brilliant salesman never becomes a recovery agent for the company as his clients are well sought out and carefully chosen… This kills the volume aspect of things and enables a salesman to leave caffeine and nicotine addictions and allows him the time to enjoy his family time… There is a lot that I talk on in the world of sales and how if one looks at sales properly then one can define that this lifestyle is fun and enjoyable… As I end my lecture I would like to ask you to focus on one thing it is known as honesty… The best sales happen when the element of honesty is there and people are not trying to sell... Bottom line – you’re a schmuck! Admit it! And start living! There’s lots to sell you just have to enjoy doing it and know how! Now that this is over – close your eyes and repeat in your own head three words! “I AM INVINCIBLE!”

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

STUCK IN LIMBO

As I wake up I am terrified by the odds that I have to face… The fear of facing the world whilst being unemployed is what I don as an undergarment… I wash the shaving foam with tears that don’t seem to stop flowing from the misery that I am trapped in this rat race where religion prevents me from cocking my nine and ending it all to face the essence of the harsh reality that society will not let me live. My misery is what entertains the media – tears are what they sell yet the relief that I want is not near… My mother has over medicated me with overdoses of the wrong kind of medicine that is futile in fighting my diseases. I am handcuffed by fate to the obvious reality that no matter how far I run I will never be able to hide from the fact that I would be be better off resting six feet under…

I am stuck in a world where what is socially acceptable is morally and ethically wrong. I am surrounded by the false values that have been instilled into me from Karachi to Waziristan and I have no claim upon any identity that is thrown before you. Shifting from the insanity to my mind I sit at a desk in a massive hall of pain wondering when the suffering will end. I am the happiness in your grief and I am the suffering of you insanity. Bound by the straight jacket of this constitution I am tolerant to what I have to witness and blindfolded by the scales of uneven justice.

I am about to bring death to this world and I am stuck at the cross road of life wondering if I should strangle my newborn with the umbilical cord before me so that I don’t have to face the questions some time later about why life is not fair. The maggots of society have eaten away at my soul and the flies of humanity just want to feel good about what charity is declared in the paper that I hide my naked body with. Yet I am forced to eat their sins of yesterday praying that one day someone will listen to my wretched screams.

Society will watch me burn and religion will crucify my soul yet as I close my eyes every time I blink I cannot see Gabriel, Peter or Lucifer as there is a huge fight going on as to who will bear the cost of my existence on earth. I started my journey towards death the day I opened my eyes not knowing that as a citizen of the human race I would have to constantly fight a battle for the right to live… I have the ability to give life yet I have the agony in suffering the labor pains from the decisions that are made for me. I am not lost I am found but to whom and when and where as I am stuck in the limbo of praying that karo kari will occur as my punishment is that of being a Pakistani flood victims wife…

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

DISCONNECTED! “A CRAZY TELCO THEORY!”

Ok now picture this! Twenty slobbering lions wait and observe a herd of buffalo, the heat sets in and the frothing at the mouth becomes too much to bear – within the blink of an eye an unfortunate half dazed buffalo becomes dinner and then the lions are lying flat on their backs licking their chops… (typical scene from a national geographic episode)

Flash out to Pakistan – A room with twenty crotch scratching men each one picking at the remains of last night’s dinner in their best ittar washed shalwar kameez’s and staring at you tube for the latest dirt they can dig up to entertain them selves… for hours this goes on and the silence is only broken by the odd slurping of tea – gacking of coagulated mucus and the eventual farts stuck deep within. – Welcome to the PTA offices.

Right ok done with the drama then back to reality – Lately our pop stars have been hiking up their rates for the telco’s who spend like mad on them to ensure that they will endorse not so border to border connectivity. The rates have been getting cheaper and all telcos are on the war path brutally cutting slicing and dicing away at what they can to ensure that they can grab at whatever stragglers that are left behind who don’t own a sim… This is not specific to Pakistan. It’s damn clich├ęd that when facebook came out everyone wanted to make a clone and that is what happened with every success story globally. In these pricing wars one needs to understand that the consumer (basically the masses) are not the ones to make an ullo ka pattha or be made one should the readily jump ship.

The average consumer is brand conscious and media has ensured that he or she can tell who is what does what – today technology has shot its self in the foot as news becomes bad news the instantly it leaves your body in the form of a text email or discussion. Whilst the consumer may not be able to afford a latest phone or laptop china has made it possible for him to rub up the elite few by brandishing an extremely brilliant knock off that will be smarter and work faster than your million dollar toy.

I predict that one day the exchequer will be rogered as the emiratis have had enough – the egyptians will go back to loving pyramids and the battle will be left between a horde of norsemen and ghengis khans best descendants. Right now in my happy world warid does not even touch the scales of my insane theory as its cto jumped ship and thre in the towel… It’s a survival of the fittest and the one who has the most brilliant conservatively obnoxious ad spend will win. I predict that by the year 2014 the world will not have ended as it states in the movie 2012 because the telcos will be fighting for VAS innovations that they will be trying to implement via third party advertisers.

Yes forget your jehans bouncing on trains and ullo ka pathas trying to go to the west its going to be a battle of who has the best image and then this is where the beauty of marketing comes in. All companies will need to invest in selling products on line as we are enslaved by technology – just try throwing your cell phone away (either you will be bankrupt or have a hit squad knocking at your door if you are anyone of any significance.) The best and cheapest form of reaching any desired mass audience will be via a triple play data network (not cellular). I would not be surprised if all your items were approved by the telco industry before being launched.
We laughed at knight rider – mocked terminator – laughed at star trek and now its all coming true – artificial knees, hips cars that tell you when to stop backing up – computers that tell you they have a virus and cellphones that play 3 d movies. As I end my insane theory I want you to ask your self how disconnected are you today?

NAYATEL KI PURANI BAAT

When I was growing up and was a weee lad I had always been mystified by the word computer . It was something that I perceived that only someone who was in a white lab coat with thick glasses and a millions pens in his breast pocket would be able to operate – in short a nerd… As I wobbled my way through the 80’s movies like weird science etc definitely blew away the possibilities of me understanding if this was ever possible. In the early eighties a drama came on ptv with an extremely well known cast that was in urdu “robot”. Yes we as a nation in the early eighties started to get infected by the technology virus. In fact it’s quite weird that what we thought as a basic if not complicated calculator has managed to infiltrate into our lives as an extremely inexpensive option for entertainment.

As I have seen the development of technology and been a part of the geek squad that established the first call center in Pakistan as well as remained as the COO of various semi government organizations I have always been on the verge of trying not to get addicted to anti depressants as this new found industry (only a few years old) is extremely volatile, versatile and extremely progressive (both in the negative and positive sense)

In order to run with the technology presented to a person today one needs to understand a few basics when trying to figure it out… You need a tool kit with three basic items… (Large sized band aids / one strip of prozac and one of asprin / and a box of tissues) the reason is because you will need the tissues to wipe your tears as you make over smart and uneducated guesses once you have invested your funds. The band aid will be to wrap on your forehead after you are done banging your head on your desk or door and the pain killers and mood stabilizers will be to prevent you going nuts and an excuse to justify to your family that you are actually insane now that you blew up their life savings…

The world of technology in Pakistan is a viciously ridiculous world with many verticals in it and in order to attain success on needs to establish a line of focus. There are those who dance around the idea of technology and its possibilities and then there are those who have the educated time tested ability to ensure that it can either be an extremely powerful tool to help any industry do very well. This I learnt from a select few people who I have the utmost respect for – lets talk of their achievements in another one of my ramblings…

Now this article is NAYATEL KI PURANI BAAT do you know why… The reason is that NAYATEL is actually a spin off an ISP which has withstood the test of time by providing quality services to the residents of Islamabad over a period of time… Yes it has had its hiccups and we all think that anyone in the tech world is a bit crazy and if they are from Pakistan the your perception is that of someone who is very over smart with the functions CTRL X and CTRL V and totally uneducated with respect to having any sensitivity to the consumers needs. But for Nayatel that is not true. It’s perception of Islamabad and its ability to provide niche market clients has made it a pioneer and even gotten Islamabad world recognition – something that world call tried for ages to do with Lahore and Karachi…

Nayatel has laid fiber across Islamabad thus being able to provide Fiber To The home facilities for the residents of Islamabad – but really the business clientele. This as we know in techie jargon is FTTH capabilities. Nayatel has long ago put Islamabad which is one of the selected few cities (less that 2 digit numbers here) on the map in being able to implement the true essence of high speeds on the internet and now triple play (voice . video & gaming and data services)

The really funny thing is that it’s CEO and one of its main architects is not one to be party hopping around as a social butterfly in Islamabad. He has a firm grip on reality and is a fantastic custodian of the power he wields in his constant effort to ensure that Islamabad can communicate efficiently. One more thing that I like about this man and his team is that they have justified their GIK education by ensuring that they place the right people to do the right job. There is a saying that if everyone likes you then you have a major problem with your personality and if everyone hates you then your famous… Humility and the Islamic way of doing business have taken precedence here as by maintaining an honest approach to meeting complaints I know that this establishment has an extremely loyal client base.

The one window approach to providing convenience comfort and by not being at the mercy of a line man has allowed our federal capital to be the chosen preferred choice for many people wanting to invest in technology from abroad. The reason this article was named what it is – is because when Pakistan was getting used to DSL Nayatel was millenniums ahead in laying out its plans and actually delivering them… If you are looking for an ISP provider – take a peek or have a chat with its CEO and maybe he could give you a solution… no it won’t be expensive and their coffee is great too!

Monday, September 13, 2010

MULTAN KI MATTEE

Amongst women from any class of society it is very well known that a certain “Multan Ki Mattee” is rich with certain properties that will enrich beauty, increase ones skins sustainability against the race of time and definitely rejuvenate ones skin. What properties this mud possess is only best known to those who have tried it as many women swear by it.

Today I am sitting at home and I realize that us Pakistani’s have this cultural trait where we delve into ridiculous witch hunts when we are bored. As of late with all the troubles brewing in our perfect haven we are even more perturbed as to how the world perceives our image. We usually are extremely emotional and almost always are victims of our own follies that unexpectedly occur when we succumb to what is a contradiction in our own religion. Vanity!

People say that many a war have been fought over women money and land and the great historians have always justified that Cesar of Rome was betrayed by Brutus for a woman, Hitler by his generals and that Mount Batten ran away from India when Nehru – well basically tried to mount his wife… My point is that us men are even more vain and conceited than any woman and whilst women have the ability to hide many an emotion we kind of tend to become obnoxious. If you don’t believe me then the next time you are at a function just watch the roving eye of any of your friends…

Our insecurities and vanity is what I feel has dragged our morale down, killed our optimism and confused our existing generation and left the next one wondering if life is really worth living in Pakistan. When I grew up in the early eighties it was amazing that if someone had the opportunity to be educated abroad then they were almost certain to return home to their motherland and try to do good. Today when a student pack’s his or her bag they ensure that if they are lucky enough to get a visa or admission abroad they buy a one way ticket and would rather clean the toilets of Heathrow or JFK or even find a way to run away somewhere in South Africa as long as they would not have to come back…

Pakistan I believe has had its own issues and as a melting pot which is over flowing with diversity we are extremely fortunate yet blind to the obvious. We scream about the crime rate we laugh at the obvious fact that we evade taxes and we love to pay homage in the form of bribes and special favors to anyone who will help us along the way… Till date I have not seen any one single important person or organization not do anything nice for a human being if that person could or would never be helpful to them.

The heading for this article is “Multan Ki Matti” and the purification of one’s image etc so let’s get back to that topic. For months now I have been observing this current regime which mind you we have chosen (freely elected) and when the celebrations were going on we danced and sang the night away thinking that we were invincible… We thought that this regime would entertain us in the Marriott’s of Pakistan and simply want to be very special bosom buddies with us. Bottom line we Pakistani’s thought that the Presidency would change its crest to that of a common thela where souls were for sale, leave alone land…

The pinch started when we realized in our emotional hangovers that hey this new found capitalism is not what we expected it to be and somehow some where someone is trying to do an honest job… Already spinning from the elated happiness that we are somehow immensely powerful our backsides began to hurt when we were asked to sit on a chair and do our jobs… The task was simple! Be honest God fearing citizens…

Today I am sad that a man who we chose to fight the fifteen rounds in this boxing match has never had anyone to throw the towel in for him. I’m talking about an exceptional choice that our president made for a foreign minister… Mr. Qureshi is an exceptionally well versed man as he has for one a degree that I am relieved to know is genuine and not hocked of the internet with a stolen credit card from a gas station… Further to add to this he is of an aristocratic cum feudal as well as oddly enough a spiritual background. I found it remarkable that we have a man who has a moderate lifestyle enjoys family values and has the ability to laugh at the odds and present positive solutions whilst fearing God. It’s quite weird as our past foreign ministers demanded their haq and often were running around looking kay kis ka kasur hai…

Multan Ki Mattee today is trying very hard to give Pakistan a facelift and ensure that our wrinkles are hidden but it saddens me to know that irrespective of whatever qualities this soil possesses the face of this nation will always let him down due to the sins mentioned above. The reality is that we have an extremely brilliant asset that wants to do something for the nation yet we offer him no support. The funny this is that we are a democracy and as the late pinky stated before we washed our hands off her that “Pakistan will survive…”these are words that rang through my ears when she was first elected… She also said “we will bring about a change”. Today what put her six feet under was our own selfish ability to survive and the only change we want is the increase in our bank balances.

My honest advice to the Foreign minister is to go skiing in Geneva, play Polo with the queen and start building his own sovereign empire because we as a nation of pirates will only ask him to do favors in exchange for empty promises… Before I end this note I would like to ask you two simple questions? When you praised our foreign minister was it because you were asking him to endorse you getting a foreign visa? Now that you’re upset at him and bad mouth him is it because reality hit you in the face as he tried to do his job?

If you really want to do something then do it. If you’re sending him out there to play an innings ensure that your three balls will not rock the world – democracy may be the best revenge but the basis of democracy is honesty!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A REVERSE LOOK AT BRANDING AFTER 911 CUM EID

Ok today we celebrate and as we close our eyes we ingest alka seltzer then tomorrow we start our day with tons of Hamdard Isphaghol . As we are sink into depression as we always do because the mundane jazz essence of life is but filled with talk shawlk of what we will have to do and we go round the Rotarian merry go round trying to figure out why the world bank gave so much easy paisa to a land that could have been mopped up by people who used always as qtips it makes one wonder why the English biscuits left peeking freens at our door when we needed nido to feed those who would never have a shell to cover themselves with as the political saathis ensured that durex the their ecucation at Caltex they learned one thing and that was to plausibly deny this generation of or any reasonable doubt that forget disprin rather Prozac would do the treet as much as mach3 would help you shave you dignity from as much as a joey capsule would have you ladies cum first as your black berrys got thrown in with the evil levis that you donated to the ones who were drowning in a world of absolute ben and not so jerrys…

Now look at this PPP is peed and the mqm is available at civil junction in f7 where as the red bulls got run down by the three balls that rocked a nation. Your preffered choice is coke yet it must be from generation next and if you open your eyes in the morning then dew is definitely what you will not find as your vigos have gone to the flood affected areas and the red crescent moon set in stealing away asian development thus leaving your boxers in a a twist and often confused whilst ordering dessert to a butler in front of khaddi clad sony shop.

Okra is great for your health and you know it yet you love the innocent evil in swimming at the aqua lounge and your kids tell you there going gaming but they are stuck in the midst of a tribal situation where wateen refuses to connect. As they come home the losers ask wi of the tribe that lost the countersrike in understanding what websters could not explain to them thus your maybe link connection is something that pak china friendship might invest in.

Your Eidi is in the form a quaid e azam and youre extremely blue because the security papers printed document is a 20 beccause you mistook mustard for brown so now your like sam who sung his last song driving your motor that had a rola and have to act not so peeso’ed at the fact that you cant now afford to buy your girl friends many things from places like brands for less… ok so you catch air blue and pray it does not land near daman e koh rather some where where coke is filled in a studio so that you could go to zakas pharmacy to buy your selves a pair of anything except advil…

So as you sit and ponder why im rambling on and what kind of crack im smoking then please be rest assured that my simple 3M point was that after this flooding and all the salt that visited Pakistan what brands will actually survive the economy post eid? It’s going to be a tough one but as I’m simply bored I just wanted to let you know to your facebook that I would be very linked in if you twittered my endless ramblings and made me even more unpopular than I already am….

RIDING A WAVE ON SAMSUNGS ANSWER TO YOUR MOBILE SOLUTIONS

I would like to confess something today! I cheat on my wife with a mistress… This mistress is cruel mean and more manipulative than anyone else’s mistress. Why because the minute I have my Ben franklins’ coming in I have already decided that a significant amount MUST be dedicated to her undying demand for change. My mistress spanks my wallet leaves me in constant fear as she evolves with time constantly so I have to use my grey matter in trying to figure her out constantly and she gives me the utmost satisfaction in the form of the famous quote “I AM INVINCIBLE” as I show her off to my friends and the best thing is my wife loves this kinky three way relationship because in our insane threesome of life my mistress has managed to eat her jealousy away.

Oh what a high as we sit in a restaurant in a plastic society consumed with false values and do small talk people love to show off their wares and think that the toys they posses are an extension of their existence… But now as my or rather I would like to say my wife’s and my mistress or our mistress enters the scene my friends eyes go gaga with lust and the gravity of what has hit them is in the form of a high that is unimaginable… YES I OR WE ARE INVINCIBLE… this sordid love affair of a different kind is my kinky fetish with technology and not another human being so stop getting so excited… but wait keep your emotions intact as it’s the joy of my life… and yes sadly too very expensive because what ever I get I also have to get one for my wife who unfortunately happens to be one of the most technically competent people today… (that’s where my tears come on)

I was always scared to shake the foundations of my mulberry bush as my BBM would die and I always believed on any travel that once you go MAC you can never go back… my curved journey javelined through the 4gb phase to a world that now accepts a 32 GB torch as a solution for my business needs and sadly rather than becoming smaller the IPOD of life which revolutionized mobile multimedia became very had to fit in my pocket so I wonder how women can hide this pad that connects them to a very entertaining life..

I visited a friend who did not know about my fetish with technology and as we chatted he surfed through the media business and exceptional functions of with such speed that it blew my doors off. Ok so I claim to be the it thing and had always said that SAM had SUNG its last song with the useless D880 and the best thing is that I’m a investor in a lucrative mobile import business.. Also to add to my renditions I boast that my team and me have done work for RIM – how did this new Samsung Wave wipe me out and go un noticed. I felt hurt because in my own ignorance my mistress cheated me… I’ll tell you why!

In Pakistan when we go to a mobile outlet we ask for a phone that MUST be a nokia and specially one that a person who is cooler than us which we must have. Sony erricson and Samsung are the stepchildren we get if it’s a real deal… if you’re from the wanna beee world of business then you’re well aware of the curveballs, javelins and torches tahtw ill light up your way from Rim also im sure you must have ridden many a storm which claimed to make you as invincible as Zues but left you with a short circuit in your brain trying to figure out an amalgamation of two worlds.

Samsungs Wave (8500) was released in April 2010 and now im on 9-11 literally so how did we not realize the power of this sleek sexy and very sassy phone / business / multimedia device. In the hands of those who understand that Nokia failed with maemo and is now crying mommy and that the torch will freeze and your lights will go out then I personally consider this mobile phone to be a weapon… forget the techy jargon that people give you endlessly to prove any point that the product is good – just use it and let it abuse you back… This phone in the hands of any techy Trojan soldier is a formidable weapon as its recording capabilities are more powerful than the best definition I have found on a PD 170. The clarity in sound recording is studio quality and its own email functions are brilliant…

The best thing is that you don’t get a cardiac arrest as you usually do when your maemo has a brain fart running multiple processes and your berrys fall off the trees when you lose your mail due to a remote server error. This device not phone is the silent underdog that after its release went unnoticed as we thought literally Samsung could never produce a device as good as this. Watch movies take pictures of your wife share them with the world and run all your business of this easy to digest comprehend device… if you’re a lady then throw away your pads which will have you end up in a state of technical menopause as this device will tell you when you need to get a manicure and what your significant other is up to via remote monitoring.

If you’re a man then go ahead and understand that you can leave all the fruits that rim has come up with as now you really are extremely well endowed all over… I belong to a world where technology is supposed to simplify life and some how it has managed to enslave us with its upgrades errors and constant rectifications of what jobs could not do right the first time around…

Today I can confidently thank my buddy Hasan who in his geeky mac environment showed me an avenue to truly live in a free world of technology or as they RIDE THE WAVE OF LIFE… come get your shorts on throw away your old devices and don’t get your undies in a twist – grab this sassy surfboard and ride a Samsung Wave…

Now that you’re almost convinced – here is the best thing about this device… berrys are berry berry expensive - once you go mac you don’t go back but your bank balance goes bad… and if you’re a maemo buyer then after your done figuring it out you will be screaming mommy – this wave is extremely affordable and it usually comes with all the toys you would need. Before you buy it make sure your wife is not in any way technically competent or has a flair for the digital art world as you will need to order two – but what the hell two waves for the price of one berry hanging off a tree – it definitely is something to think about…

In case you were wondering - I wrote this article posted it and have distributed it to over 300,000 people whilst driving to a hill station in Pakistan on an edge connection – sticks and stones may break my bones but a edge is better than gprs… do the math!

Friday, September 10, 2010

911 – AN EYEWITNESS REPORT – THE IRONIC REALITY DUE TO THE WILL OF GOD

I am a Muslim and damn proud of it. I am one to also follow the philosophy that to see something is to believe it and more over to witness something is better… Today I present before you an ironic eye-witness report as the clocks hands move to mark another year gone by which the world will never forget. “911”

Today I am surrounded by vultures holding onto microphones and prodding some small town pastor into committing a deadly sin and that is giving into vanity and greed. Today I as a nation am blamed for being barbaric and ruthless as I supposedly am the root cause for all the problems arising in the west. Today my nation is feared for harboring terrorists irrespective of the fact that 21 million are homeless and my foreign minister / prime minister and president are the custodians of guilt for being helpless to a mob of camera wielding vampires who just want to see them in their worst moment. Today I am subject to pain and suffering of emotional kind and no court of law would grant me the compensation that I demand to make it right – which is reversing time.

No I am not perfect as a nation and no I am not one to cast stones yet I have a weird kinky smile on my face because as a man driven by the media is about to burn my holy book of scriptures he cannot control what God wanted as he has been rendered useless as a messiah. TODAY ON 911 MY WHOLE GLOBAL NATION OF ISLAM CELEBRATES AN ENTIRE MONTH OF FASTING – we have spent an entire month learning to be more humble, more respectful of the Almighty and mankind and understanding that we will have to answer for our sins on the day of judgment…

Today I am truly at peace and one with my global family because I realize that if one man burns one Quran it will not destroy my nation of Islam. I got this epiphany as I stared at one of my favorite paintings by the great Dali “the melting clocks” I realized that as the world turns physically someone somewhere is calling to all to come to prayer… Its simply gorgeous as when I was thinking this the azaan of all azaans which declares that Ramadan is over sent a shiver down my spine. I realized that every 10 or fifteen minutes during an entire twenty four hours we muslims somewhere around the world are on our knees bowing to the almighty. We preach peace and forgiveness and I am sure all the prayers must have been heard around the world that Allah the almighty ensured that Today on 911 it would be a day of rejoicing forgiveness and understanding in a nation that is considered to be barbaric and a threat to the west.

As I end my realization of how ironic fate can be I forgive those for thinking that I am plotting to destroy another culture when I’m barely able to doggy paddle in my own flood of problems… To all my muslim brothers and sisters – thank you for forgiving and understanding that we are one as a nation of Islam and that our religion is one of peace and love… eid Mubarak!

PAKISTAN AN UNPLUGGED COUNTRY OF DREAMS

I love a few things about the west as I was a resident in a few country for about a decade whilst I was supposed to be educated. I guess rock and roll – witnessing live aid, meeting interesting people and the Woodstock concept of life really appealed to me… I was as jimmy buffet says “cheese burger in paradise” only thing was that I had my identity of being patriotic and was a nihari come biriyani and sajjay paya in an alacarte restaurant where farts don’t smell…

I witnessed several holidays and was always awed that despite social issues that plague every nation how the western world comes together as one at times of Christmas, Easter, Labor Day (not when your wife is about to deliver) but they are addicted to celebrating with full joy even thrugh their katrina’s and 911 the simple joy of bonding as a family unit under one roof. The western world spends like mad on establishing and reconnecting with lost loved ones just for that moment of time before they get reverse spun back into their every day lives of insanity.

Sadly as Eid is upon us tonight I am deeply saddened that my country has no Christmas (actually Eid) lights on. The reasons vary from the recent floods that have hit us to what we have been living with as in the form of any excuse that we can to justify our electricity problems… The extremely weird thing is that we have rivers, dams, solar and wind energy resources yet to this date my country manages to import electricity from its neighbors as the demand for seeing the light is not enough to be compensated by the frivolous wastage and the blinding insanity that gives us the reason to fight back against the bleeding of power that happens the minute a spark leaves the hydro turbines to the minute it reaches a home.

Pakistan is geographically extremely well placed and as we are true believers of islam I am ecstatic to say that the Gods have been kind upon is with the natural resources that we have. I think if one looks at what a country has then definitely one can state that Pakistani’s are very lucky people… In the 80’s our Eid (the equivalent to a western Christmas) was a joyous time… That was the time that we were not ravaged by technology and we had a hidden agenda or many social issues… When Eid was round the corner I witnessed people from all walks of life smiling at the fact that they had as a nation pulled through the month of fasting. Humility was a key issue which we focused on and our prayers were just took a minute as all we did was thank the almighty for bestowing upon the beauty of life and family.

I was witness to my nephews comment as when I asked him what he wanted to do on our chaad raat (eve before Eid) he simply stated that we should visit any place that has electricity… In a fervor of thought and mixed emotion I could not help but feel his pain as when a 9 year old complains that his childhood is robbed away due to the non existenc of the basic amenities being available it makes you feel that no matter what you strive or struggle to do is futile as you are fighting a useless battle against forces way beyond God’s control…

I am not claiming that any one specific is to blame rather I am questioning that as a child I witnessed a different country where we celebrated life by illuminating our whole country… so what the hell happened thirty years later after we accepted democracy. What has my nephew done to deserve this childhood? If holidays are meant to revive family values and establish that ond of love between us as families then why is everything so dark…

We had our floods we had our earth quake we climbed out of the rubble once and now we are swimming for our lives again. The only thing is that we may be tough skinned but the shore to which we swim is bordering on the dark horizons of the vanity of a chosen few.

Today I guess the only Eid present I can justify giving to my nephew is a generator and on my eid prayers ask God to bring wisdom that allows people to start thinking about solar and wind power that would help alleviate the attitude within the short circuited depressed youth..

Let’s hope the lights don’t go out when santa come around…

RAIN

Rain rain make me cum again
My calculator short circuited as my palms are wet
I grabbed a condom and stuck it between my legs
What to do excitement has me wet
The aids will come and the ngos will laugh
Money to squander and 72 to virgins well blast
quetta Peshawar or sind you take your pick
stay away from isloo as its filled with salt and grit

rain rain make me cum again
my land is drowned in your pain
I abused what I had now you can wash it away
Piss down hard drain my sins today
I have no quarters for the washing machine of life
The day I was born I started to die
I forgot to respect the code of truth
Now its inevitable that jetskis will do

Thunder come and rock my world
My people are torn by your lighting and scorn
The oain you deliver is nothing to a soul
That has witnessed and lived diversity for years
I am a believer that Armageddon is near
So if I have to lie down and take it I might as well smile
My land is fertile with sin of soil
Give me some sun and show me the sky

Rain rain let me breate again
Nasdaq has my family on a train
The worlds piggy bank is drained again
Asian development became arrested again
Nature we fought we commited a sin
We burnt up our souls fasting with aids from within
The bearded ones laugh at the airport of life
Wanted heaven so badly not willing to die

Scream at my pain and my people will shy
From the insanity of your vanity all caught up in strife
Can you discover who you really are
Will you respect the mother of your child
Can you look at what you cant see
Will you believe there is a God on this eid
Will you run from the darkness into my pain
Open your eyes and throw your damn calculators away

Thursday, September 9, 2010

HOW TO SURVIVE CHAAND RAAT – INSTRUCTIONS FOR CHILDREN OF ALL AGES

Ok! Now to all my friends who are not so confused about what element of society they belong to I write this article for you as you are about to be robbed by your parents and elders of the one thing you have looked forward to for the past thirty days… I cry tears of blood for you as your parents will make you into sacrificial lambs prematurely and confuse the two eids together…

I am not Nostradamus but the inevitable shall be that mommy and daddy are going to be sipping lattes at butlers whilst Lals hops around trying to sell them confectionery items and in between the king Edward cigars (buying Cuban would be a crime because of the floods) and not taking cinnamon and whipped cream (we must do without and do our bit around the rotary merry go round) the topic of discussions will be about how you have to do without as they have probably ravaged your life savings to show how you can do without…

As we are not celebrating by ordering low fat cakes and cocoa products I’m sure that the clubs and Aghas would also be stocking up on diet Schweppes and zero fat perrier to do their bit in society… Ok so we will not use the family BMW and will resort to using the fillipinos reborn civic because it has cng so there is another element to helping companies like shell and pso out… please understand that no longer are you in a race to hide the fact that you don’t have much as your 12 million KVA generators are enough to support the entire sohrab goth region rather you must hang out on the street corners east of the Clifton bridge and beg with boxes on street corners that are deserted by beggars who are feeding of the flood affected areas… if not then the local SHOOS have shooed away the beggars even though they rented that traffic light to earn a decent night wage at an emotional time like this religious event upon us.

Ok now to the grass roots and going to the mattresses (not after we have had too much Christmas pudding – wait that is another holiday) – I want to tell you how to survive your parents and Eid should be very less damaging to you… Most importantly quickly hide away anything of any value to you like your ipod, piggy bank and or your coolest three week old se=neakers before they are pledged by mommy along with her hip huggers to the flood affected ares – you need clothes. Secondly – make sure that when dad is half awake or asleep you ensure that you tell him that he is your favorite when mom is not around and that how much a laptop that you are using means to you – it would be useless if it wound up in the hands of some NGO person… (it does not matter if you have six others but this is your treasure) Make sure to tell mom the same thing and this time tell her how wonderful she is and how baked beans are something you love so that they don’t go into the donation boxes as well – also make sure you tell her that all your mamoos rock and her best friend looks worse than her – this so that you actually get eidi and it does not go into the throes of some glorified housewife turned beautician… fine now down to essentials… you need to buy or invest in padlocks and chains so that you bicycles are not pledged into delivering aid to the victims and then you become a victim your self – I assure you there are enough vehicles that will deliver your joe boxers to who really need it – before you donate those please make sure you wash them as even village folk do not to know that yellow goes in the fornt and brown at the back

Ok when you are out and about on chaand raat make sure that you complain excessively about what you don’t have and what value it could give you from an educational point of view – even if it is something you don’t need you need to remember the words of your art teacher and explore your creativity – now is the time that your education will pay you back… you have worked hard by begging on the streets and not had a share in the booty even the spectrum of lies that we go through each year takes a cut when it organizes balls for various elements of confusion so why should you not get your share of the cost – you cried and now have a diploma in begging – you are also a part of the mafia as daddys phone call made it possible to eradicate beggars so that you were not beaten up when you used you various talents to sink to a new level – demand respect and remind your elders of how they humiliated you…

If you really need a vacation please tell your parents that you are going through a mid life crisis and practice how to sulk so that they reward you with tons of freebies and money rather than time which you wanted. Atleast when the mobs descend upon your city you will have something to barter for your lives with once they done ripping away anything of any value…

If you can make a choice then make the right one when you pray for eid namaz – Thank Allah for giving you the patience to survive the insanity for this Ramadan. And then just pray for one thing – COMMON SENSE – please pray that the ones who will leave behind a sordid tomorrow for you have the ability to gain common sense and actually address the issues that are at hand which are social – if not then get your Christmas lists out to santa and ensure that the first three things you ask for are a bullet proof car / an ak47 with a laser scope and / a bullet proof vest as Christmas in gaza is just a joke as to what will happen in due course…
Eid Mubarak and I hope you don’t get sacrificed…

TECHNOLOGY INVESTMENT ADVICE THAT MAKES CENTS!

Today technology is no longer a simple question of IT… It is a race against time to be better stronger and faster. No longer do we need to carry a zippo to light a fuse, a simple 4 digit code is enough to establish that an entire city will have acid rain for the next decade…

Technology has become so diverse today that one really needs to understand what they want to achieve or have a clear understanding of where the wish for it to take them before any of the intricate verticals are invested into. It is today extremely essential that companies do not lose focus of their objective and begin fire fighting with silly issues that are only surface value tension in an ocean of complexities of everyday life.

Many investors have been burnt and many people have a sore backside or thumbs from spending endless hours trying to clone and plagiarize successful business models. Everyone is under the premonition that they will beat an existing market leader with some start up or ask the consumers to shift their loyalties elsewhere into something that will not be able to deliver what the brand name stands for.

I hail from Pakistan and I am proud to be a resident of one of the only four cities of the world where there are FTTH possibilities. Even through our disgruntled image we are very technologically sound as human beings because we are use to crisis management in our daily lives. I feel I have the right to write an article like this because I have remained as one of the leading people who built an entire outsourcing American conglomerate only to watch its owners destroy everything due to vanity and greed.

The industry of the world is struggling to establish what will never happen and that is the denial of the acceptance of what their limitations are. Where there is a will there is a way and people have a need to find solutions so the world fills the gap when someone opens a portal with a void in it. If you are looking to invest in providing a solution to someone then you are on the right track…

Investing in being a solution provider is the best form of respect that one can give to an industry also one needs to understand that people with their limitations on time are looking for simple easy to digest solutions. Some of the best ideas that the eastern world can invest in especially the Russians is the adaptation of medicinal technology for the west. Russian and Chinese doctors are extremely experienced and their radiologists have more experience in diagnosing how to fix a broken bone or how to repair your knees without invasive procedures.

Pakistan also has a huge resource or pool of techies that are extremely dedicated to leaving their names on the score boards of virtual cafes. We have those who have invested in Pakistan sitting in Texas and educate and run the entire office for pennies on the dollar… It makes a lot of cents because when you compare economies of scale cents make sense to Pakistani’s as our life styles are not of the rich and famous…

The Chinese have clearly established that be it a watermelon, mango, apple or any dull product that cost a million dollars they will revamp it make it sexier and even home deliver it to you for such a low cost that either you will question their integrity or your own ability to trust them… They have rocked the world with the re-invention of making life super easy.

Every success story does not need luck or money… in my black and white screen world it needs the bility to find inner nirvana and focus on what you want to do in life. If you are focused and you plan carefully eliminating the greed factor and delivering quality then you will win and as the hindus say the goddess of prosperity “Luxmi” will shine upon you… to be in the world of technology the three main principles you must adopt are as follows
1. The ability to not lie to yourself about your limitation
2. The ability to deliver what your promise
3. The ability to know and understand humility and bury your egos
The ocean of technology is looking for sailors from every port and the best thing is the ships will set sail once you tell them when to… just make sure that you don’t capsize due to your own errors and if you really need proper investment advice you are more than welcome to ask me for it.

Be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem! It’s the geeky thing to do!

THE LAND WARS

THE LAND WARS
How Pakistan has managed to take a bite out of the Giga’s in the not so real estate world!

In history when I was a boy in Karachi Grammar School I had a fantastic book with exceptional illustrations that showed me graphically about all the land wars in the world. As I matured and was able to think for my self I realized that men had fought vigorously to conquer new land or that religion was a war cry or if anything else was to be the root cause of a decade long war even up until the time of the Nazis and the Russian invasion of Afghanistan the maybe a woman was the reason that one had to fed vanity if not looking for a warm water port etc.

In Pakistan the average consumer or investor looks for property to invest in as long as the papers are clean as that is something that one feels will appreciate. The next thing that ones buys as a cash asset is a vehicle so Toyota and Honda become the preferred choice. No longer is this true as today if you want to dupe someone all you have to do is sell them a file and they will probably not even realize if they going to be pounding sand or be facing an onslaught of court cases depicting fraudulent practices…

As we jailed al capone and stopped the world from worrying about prostitution, gambling and gun running we gave birth to another Mafioso who was much more crueler, meaner and ruthless… it is the Land Mafia… These mafias do not respect the honor amongst thieves and are basically a disorganized army of termites that have eaten away at the only one thing that us Pakistani’s could have invested in.

Sadly our foreign investors have been duped by these knock off wearing, cheap tie brandishing crusaders who have managed to even give the state bank of our country a run for its already in debt economy… I would like to talk about a family that hails from the United Arab Emirates. The Giga Family. The Emirati Giga family is a conservative, hard working family that has a moderate view point of Islam and is open to the development of life… Its two main companies which failed miserably in the UAE known as Al Ghurair & Emaar have been the victim of a bubble bursting that was beyond its control. This family with exceptionally honest values and a strong CSR policy decided to shift its focus to trust in developing in our country.

When the Giga’s came to Pakistan they made one promise to themselves. To actually try to invest in this country by alleviating a frustrated lifestyle with the replacement of community living styled homes. (please note Homes and not houses or apartments) if the intent was pure and they do give in billions in zakat then how could these two projects in our country fail miserably… lets take a look at the Pakistani not so real estate world…

Every camel jockey worshipping no gooder applied for the job and once hired refused to anything of any substance to prove their efficiency. We are experts at hiding the truth and today after months we have managed to break the bank of a family that managed to trust us as a nation. We managed to use politics to get the management changed several times we did what we had to in the form of fruitless events and pr activities but not focus on the key issues and we als managed to bribe the existing management her and blind them to the obvious crux issues.

I personally met with their new custodian and till this date almost three months today I realize how miserable he must be… Our nation has managed to dupe him with the fact that they keep on having him fire fight idiotic issues here and have him under the premonition that his bosses dirhams will resolve all the issues… it is very sad that such a brilliant group with such a fantastic ethos could have been duped by an army of illiterate fools. Today there is a strong saying… Never trust a car dealer or a property dealer. I guess this goes true as we all give in to the pressures and delusions of the real estate worlds sins. IF you would like to note an interesting fact that the shelf life of a custodian (foreigner) in Pakistan is only at an average of 12- 14 months… I am counting down the days when this custodian will leave the country after wanting to quit his other bad habits which im sure he will adopt soon known as Prozac or lithium or even both.

When will the Giga’s open their eyes and know that honesty must be the crux issues in choosing the right people for the right job – reverse the process and you can destroy an entire nation… My sympathies to all those who have lost interest in this wonderful concept and I giggle at the fact as to how blinded people become and hunt downa quick fix solution when the answer is before them…
On an ending note my question to you is has your sales department become the collections agency for your payments on what you don’t want to invest in any more? Why did this happen what was the cause? Let me know!A