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Saturday, May 17, 2014

ANTS IN A SOCIAL LANE OF CHAOS!

ANTS IN A SOCIAL LANE OF CHAOS!
(How honest is your Social Media Agency when it comes to Liking your wallet!)

There was a time when you as a Marketing Head sat down and worked plans out with an Advertising Agency!  You stuck to TV, Radio, Print & Billboards. Along came the internet which led to Mobile Platforms and all of a sudden your smooth pre planned media buying and budgeting went chaotic!

Like in the 80’s every street corner had a Banker, a Doctor and a Lawyer, then in the 90’s we had your IT experts walking the curb then when the Y2K bug hit we were befuddled by bored aunties turned designers (darzans) today we find every confused youth selling social media solutions (even me)!  However us Pakistani’s have a flare for lapping up anything anyone with a snooty attitude and an iPad sells so we believe everything the so called alternative cool fraudster tells us! 

Let’s get one thing straight!  I am not trying to bash any social media agency out there BUT all I am asking you to do is ask yourself as to how educated you really are BEFORE you give you company’s hard earned money away and yet do not get the desired results you wish for thus wind up looking for work your self-selling the short con in the form a social media solution!  Here is a video that will help you understand what a million likes really mean!
This video will give you an insight into what really happens and if Facebook is really that honest.  I found the video oddly on Facebook and it does appeal to your common sense!  You might want to audit the business relationship with your existing social media agency and even set up stronger checks and balances!  Whatever you decide to do for the betterment of your business I am sure this video will make you think differently!

If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
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Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!

Friday, May 16, 2014

IN YO FACE BABY

IN YO FACE BABY!
The next world war will be fought by technology and the side that has the latest and best information will win!  That is a given!  (Drone attacks, Heloooo!)  The Telco industry is the biggest consumer of media time and branding space everywhere and is always in a spastic race to keep up with the world!  Whilst the Japanese & Koreans are comfortable with 5G we are just babies getting adjusted to 3G and the diaper rashes that go along with any new support system we get!

Pakistan sadly has always been a follower due to its internal politics and PTA has done anything but been proactive or beneficial to the business world!   3G / 4G is NOT everywhere and the northern areas still have connectivity issues when the lights go out because someone switched on an extra A/C in either the Prime Ministers Secretariat or Aiwan E Saddar.  We cannot simply afford to be disconnected today but yet we are the most useless country when it comes to implementing fail safe measures to protect this valuable treasure!   Over 17 NDC’s and still we rely on the parchi system to get the message across due to various reasons.

Telenor was the first Telco when it launched to give you Tower Tagging! In your nokia 1110 you got to know that you are being robbed of your mobile at either Punjab Chowrangi or in Blue Area, Islamabad!  BUT we still as a nation do not endorse Navigation systems in our vehicles because we are afraid that someone might know where the obvious lies.  So to be dreadfully honest we can all agree that the system sucks and if there is a world war 3 then the first thing that will be done will be that your cellphones will go off when you need them the most!

Many years ago I was part of the first call center! It was at central coffee house opposite the Metropole!  We were doing very well for a couple of weeks until the cops came knocking and arrested us for “treason” because we were looting the exchequer.  (Grey Traffic)  A few phone calls and a few thousand rupees later we were free and oddly enough the PSEB started cashing in on this and started giving call center and local loop licenses!  Do you remember how the Red Tone chaps got raided in F8 Islamabad and after a few nights in thana their tone was purple rather than red!  In our dishonesty we presented a con man image anyways so we never got any business and the amount that we got also ran away across the border!

As time evolved Nokia got squashed and along popped up another corporate war between two giants like the cola wars (Samsung & Apple) as platforms like voice over IP was more frequently used and the birth of Skype Viber Vonage Face Time and many other services like magic jack the Telcos who had invested a lot started losing mad money!   

The largest Taxpayers in the country were sour and made it miserable for everyone when they whined about bills and pulling their foreign investments! After a deadlock with the government they left them thinking “So now what to do” when they kept delaying the 3G license auction!  In this time the PTA had its own issues to find a scape goat with enough credibility who would rock the foundations and sing along so that the foreign investment would not stop!  After much ado they found someone and then in board rooms after boring themselves they decided to be “original” for once and decided to place a ban on any ISP / Telco with dire consequences should the Not block ports 8891 (onwards) & ports 5060 (onwards) – Don’t we get a feeling that we need to look towards the MENA region for the source of such original inspiration!
HOW HAS OR WILL THIS AFFECT US!
  1. If you are an Apple user its in your face baby because you just lost facetime!
  2. If you use any vonage like device get yourself a call center license because magic jack Isn’t so magic anymore! (Tons of cash to be made there)
  3. Majority of your voice over Ip softwares like Viber will give lags and issues and you will blame your Telco eventually forcing you to make a direct call thus increasing your cellular and land line billing!
  4. You get my point! 

I am pretty sure you must be having signal issues on your voice calls and delayed SMS messages! This is not because there is a 3G upgrade going on!  It is because there are severe termination routing issues that are being sorted thanks to PTA!  Why is it that we take one step forward supposedly only to realize the hidden con somewhere in the middle!  Why are we destined to destroy any form of progress in this country?



If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali

Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

KIYA MAZAK HAI BC?

KIYA MAZAK HAI BC?
Dude two nights ago I wrote a post about how terrible my life had been for the past ten days and a friend came over and made it better! Yesterday it was my step sons birthday and I was over at my in laws!  As my father in Law is an Amputee without a right leg and 84 years old we called for Chinese! Cut the cake and life rocked!  My wife got there first and I brought his present!  As I walked in the door he ran to hug me and tripped on his own leg brushed it off and hugged me!

His father collected him and life was awesome!  We came home!  This morning life was brilliant and had three meetings to do after which I took the wife to see someone for work and after my own meeting went to the bank…  That is when everything fell apart again!  I got my rider to deliver the mobile phones we had left today and as I switched them on at 530 I got a panic call from my father in laws neighbors.  Last night my mother in law had fallen down and broken her ankle, in the process my father in law with one leg tried to support her on crutches but he apparently fell down and bruised his back! So I left a payment collection and ran there as we got up in the lift my wife’s ex-husband called freaking out that Ahyan was to undergo surgery in 3 hours because he had broken his elbow and needed a wire / rod put in there!

Then I rushed to Beach Luxury Hotel for a meeting whilst on the phone I had Ahyan removed via an Ambulance and taken to AKUH main campus where Dr. Lakdawala was there himself.  After 3 hours of pain went back to my in laws and found both my in laws in bandages and on the bed!  Uff I should start drinking again!  WTF????  I am home to do an online  deposit because I also managed to lose my ATM card because I gave my word and am going now to see my son again…  The good thing is that I will wake up again at 5am like I do to say hello to Singapore and I don’t know how but I have to manage!   After all this I am seriously thinking? 

WTF BC?  WILL THIS SHIT EVER STOP?  KIYA MAZAK HAI? KIYA GHALAT KIYA HAI KAY ITNI SAZA MIL RAHEE HAI?  BUT I STILL HAVE FAITH IN GOD BECAUSE I AM BREATHING AND THE MUSCLE IN MY CHEST IS TIRED BUT BEATING!


If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali


Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!

3G ADVERTISING

3G ADVERTISING
Today everyone thinks advertising is extremely expensive!  That is true only if you get suckered in by a dishonest agency who whilst presenting is only focused on their 15% markup so your increasing ad spend is what they focus on.  Certain business verticals like Telco’s Mobile phone companies are forced to buy up all the media time because they need to feed their addiction to Hammering!  However what is suggested below can help cut down ones marketing spend significantly and help control your cogs in a very effective way!  

Companies should seriously go hardcore on making video adverts (not TVC’s) and staying off the main stream TV channels.  All products / services are actually fantastic that the world produces and have a lot of salient features that people do not know about.  On the other side they also have terrible flaws that show up on social media as well…  Now all marketing heads know better what the tax benefits and better rates one gets for PSM’s & Health advisories are so why not consider this!

3G coming into our lives has drained our batteries destroyed what time we had as we must feed that addiction to remain connected freaked out finance departments with obnoxious revised billing for data etc. But the fact is that the good side to 3G is that we can now share those videos of Meera everywhere (like on googles) on platforms like Skype / Viber & Whatsapp and giggle to our selves that our parents on Facebook will not frown as to why we did so!  This helps like mad!

So if you are any company or service provider and want to cut your costs down then why not use & feed the addiction value from people go get better mileage by doing the following!  Whatever your brand or product is this off the cuff concept can help you!
1.      You get a hold of anyone with a DSLR and a lappy  
2.      Your ads should be focused on the health & safety benefits of using your products to the MOM’s
3.      ALL your video advertising should be informative and made with a linking to health issues (concerning the current time)
4.      There should be brand / product identification as an endorsement of the health service message for brand recall
5.      The message needs to be 40 seconds and funny so people giggle and smile
6.      All video formats need to be compressed in high resolution small files and then compressed for mobile sharing in med resolution max (1.6mb) and then these videos should be shared via social media and mobile platforms like skype whatsapp and viber
7.      Everything needs to be uploaded onto multiple social media sites and back linked etc.

That is it!

Another suggestion is that one of the best ways to quietly sell Black Betty (for example) would be to go to girls colleges that are local and have competitions related to the products in the college.

Now boys loooove to follow girls so when someone wins there should be no hoo haa from YOU for marketing only an endorsement of a one semester scholarship.  The girls to get that scholarship MUST take videos and pictures of the event and upload all of them on social media and join your Facebook page. Whoever gets the most shares can win a week’s supply of your products or services and be endorsed for further benefits of being brand ambassadors in their mohallas.  I have done this for PTI and also Dalda’s Cook Book but I did it through an entire technical team when I was at Kalsoft (Talent Idols) and that too only on social media 2 years ago. 
Now with 3G being the game changer this also helps again if one can compress the videos and brand them and share them via whatsapp / Skype and viber.
After computers 3g mobile platforms are the best form of getting a message across!  So why not try this idea in the next quarter and see the efficiency of such a service.  Your own telco (corporate account) would love the extra money they get and guess what we can sell them the handsets as well if you are a bank.

Marketing heads will think about this!  Advertising companies will hate this idea and Media Buying Houses will try to go “MMM… how does one buy up time on whatsapp?”  Now that the world is addicted to faster speed it will never go back so might as well take advantage of this!


If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali


Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

WTF

WTF???

One of the best ways to get your frustration out is to talk about it but none of do so to the full extent because we do not want to show a weak side to anyone and we are terrified of being judged even more by those who love us!  Also in times of trouble some of us question if God really likes us and some of us after ignoring him take to the prayer mat!  Today a 10 day ordeal (nightmare has hopefully ended and I would like to tell you about it so that I get it off my chest!

Ten days ago I tried to help a few friends and in doing so invited trouble into my own life!  Someone I knew told a friend who was his uncle that I had had his place raided at night by the army!  The next day I was stopped by a few people and after a couple of phone calls that issue was sorted! That person whom I had not spoken to for over six months started the ball rolling… Everyday this guy kept hammering me emotionally and I kept my peace!  Somehow I got so consumed in my own hate that I started focusing on him which I should not have done.  The irritation value affected my ability to work and give time to what I do!

In turn I had mysterious problems at the ports.  When that got over one rider was held up at gunpoint and was robbed off 2 macbook pros, 2 iphones (latest) ones and stuff worth 9 lacs!  Then to make matters worse my wife got very unwell in her expecting state out of stress and we wound up in the hospital.

The next day we got hit with a huge penalty via the government (which was justified as a policy had changed) so that cost me another 650,000 + Then we got a call at 130am from my mother in law that my father in law had problems breathing and had a pin in his left arm.  Again that messed up my wife and we got home at 530 in the morning.  The next day my mother in law 70+ years had a health episode out of stress.  After that we wound up visiting Ziauddin again because the wife had a violent reaction to all this!

The next day I got to work to get a call from my cousin that I needed to prepare my father that his siblings have decided to stop the ventilator that my Phupi was on as her organs were failing and she was in too much pain.  I rushed home briefed him about that and was sitting with him when I found out that in a shipment of 24 laptops 3 boxes had bricks in them!  When I came back from the warehouse I sat with my father and my cousin called him and asked his permission to end my Phupis suffering so I did not sleep that night either.

The next day they did not pull the plug as the whole family had not arrived...  So we were stressed and tense...  Then we got news that she had passed away in her sleep and again stress hit the roof!

After that the next day this attention seeking monster again ruined my life by causing nuisance value for the family I went off on a tangent of hate!  I was calmed down yet again to find out that the bank had messed up in paying two cheques that bounced due to a clerical error, so my hawala got hawala’d .  On Monday I forgot my pain dealt with my wife and handled the stress and after getting a lecture from two dear people at the club picked up two payments tried to work and closed two deals related to HR only to find out that TWO riders had gone missing!  To make matters worse this attention seeking cretin got my mothers number and told her I was hunting people down in the city with my guards and robbing people and selling their mobile phones? Also he told my mother via his wife things I cannot repeat!

Somehow the dark clouds started disappearing last night as a friend came over and wanted to help me in my computers business “because I was a professional and honest person”.  This was the higest form of respect given to me ever and I was humbled before God!

Today I found my boys (they were robbed) thrashed and we got all our stuff back (yeah right) another loss of 11.2 lacs.  Then when I sorted that matter out I found out a huge cheque had bounced and everything is on zabaan.  Then I got a phone call from an Afghani sim and the person knew who I was and was telling me what I was doing and wanted 4 crores or he would kill me and my family!  I speak pushto so we had a conversation and I knew he was watching me! I was so frustrated that I told him to take aim and put me out of my misery and hung up! I called 9 people and sent 11 SMS messages to borrow the money and frantically got 6.3 lacs to keep out of jail and found out who really trusted me!  Three people only!   The rest of the lot gave me excuses but I could not care!  Now I know when to come to their help when the need me!   I took half the money went to see my companions and told them that I was sorry and if they wanted I would go to the thana.

They took me out to the back and said they would thrash me NOT because the check was returned from my client but because I had borrowed the money.  They had known that the cheque had bounced because one of the signatures was washed out and it was not returned due to Non sufficient funds.  Then I was told I can go home and pay them whenever I wanted!  They told me in Pushto that my word was my bond and if I gave my word it was like writing a cheque (again I was humbled before God!)  Now I reach home an hour ago to find someone who I work with show up at my gate and give me a hospital bill of 17800 ruppees for the two riders.  

I don’t know when it will end but I know there is a God and I have been told I get my containers that were stuck tomorrow!  Seriously what a past ten days what a reality check!  I was able to understand who stood behind me and what the price of a friendship is!  I thank God for what has happened because I realize the price of every relationship.  I learnt that many friendships are a one sided love affair.  I saw the reality of the courage within man!  I witnessed the wisdom of a supposed big brother who always is very hard on me yet kind to the world.  In these ten days I have been so alone and so poor.

Today I can proudly count all my friends on the fingers of one hand and I know that the day I have to go they will come to my funeral for me and not the free food!  Today I am the richest man in the world because of you five!  You know who you are and I am always there for you!  

Today I say WTF?  Bring it on! And yes I do strongly more than ever believe in God in my own way!


If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali

Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!

GAME CHANGER - GALAXY S5

KARACHI GAME CHANGER - GALAXY S5
Social Media these days is filled with horror stories about how (Karachiites mostly) get held up at gun point, have their cellphones, wallets stolen etc.  I myself have forcibly had to donate my various belongings to the likes of these wretched Na Maloom Afraad cretins on more than 5 occasions in the past four months alone.  Sadly that is the joy of being a resident of Karachi!
Being involved in the Tech import business I however have a silver lining in these dark thunderous clouds with the benefit of being able to pop open any brand new phone of my choice within a few hours and being connected again!  The worst thing about losing your mobile device is the fact that when you get a replacement it is a very emotionally and painful time consuming experience where you are forced to sit and sync all the features, software’s & applications back online again!  If you have online banking services then guess what add another few hours of misery to your life!
When any new device is launched and we import it I always get a freebie to play with the day it is launched (sometimes before) I usually hammer all sorts of abuse upon it to see how resilient the end product is so that I can deal with the problems I will face from my consumers.  Imagine if all 500 of the handsets I imported were returned as what the market calls “Aaloo’s. When the Samsung Galaxy S5 was launched I got one (obviously) being someone who was loyal to apple after divorcing my first wife (blackberry) I spent a few nights with the sexy sleek curves that I saw.  I loved it and here are my reasons why…
The Samsung Galaxy S5 is a wonderful phone with ….  (blah blah blah… standard review stuff) BUT it is the perfect mobile device for all Karachiites!  The handset is a dangerous weapon against a snatcher if bundled with the Samsung Gear Fit because if it is stolen or the watch is ripped off your hand here’s what happens…
  1. The device locks & starts taking geo tagged images from both (front and back cameras) of the location and continues to do so sporadically for 5 minutes.
  2. Then as it is taking the geo tagged pictures it will start broadcasting the images by simultaneously uploading the all the images in a compressed format to all your virtual drives, social media applications and send out repeated Text & email bursts to 50 of your close friends and relatives that you are in the process of being robbed and you can choose the message you so desire. 
  3. If you rip off the watch after a certain distance the phone will do the same as mentioned above and a loud alarm will go off on the watch and phone!
  4. If stolen and you have the watch you can lock the phone (even hard reset it) and turn on a loudspeaker on the device to say – “This phone has been stolen”
  5. The only way to disable your device lock protocols is if you use a four step protection method which includes a biometric, voice, retina and then a password. After 10 attempts it hard resets its self and destroys the setup files and makes the phones useless thus protecting all your data!
  6. Now an additional feature is if you have a heart attack – the phone will again do what I have mentioned in step two and get you medical help. (we could not test this because I could not come across anyone willing to have a heart attack on demand)
The Samsung Galaxy is your average smart phone that dumb yuppies like to buy!  However if one looks into the salient features of the phone that I have mentioned above then this device really is a game changer for Karachiites! 


If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali

Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!

Monday, May 12, 2014

HAAN JEE 3 JEE

HAAN JEE 3 JEE?
It was 1984 I was in London in South Kensington and met up with one of my dad’s friends when he picked us up to go to his house for the day.  He had a Mercedes Benz 450 SEL and on the way to his home a phone started ringing!  He picked up a clunky handset and we were all amazed that he had a phone in his car!  Today even the doodh wala not only has a phone by 3 Jee as well!
Everyone has been raving and ranting about the speed they are getting and even me for a second I myself boasted that I had it on my Telenor connection before anyone else!   But as we all know things get very old very soon because somehow all the meme’s and speed test screenshots stopped being posted on social media and the world went somewhat back to normal!  As I am an importer of mobiles, an asterisk coder, and work closely with Telco’s oh yes forgot to mention Daddy was also the past Chairman for Alcatel I would like to present you with certain problems that Pakistan has been facing ever since 3 Jee popped up into our lives!
BATTERY ISSUES – Ok imagine you have a Suzuki Alto with a roof rack!  You slap on 4 suit cases on the top load it with four chubby aunties on their way to Houston put on the ac and start driving trying to attain top speed in 3rd gear to the airport.  What will happen?  Your car will not give you efficient fuel average.  Likewise with 3 Jee when you activate all your services like social media and run many utilities that are plugged into the web your phone is in constant hyper drive!  Because it is constantly multi-tasking your battery is running out!  If you think keeping it plugged into the charger will help…. NO WAY?  Your phone must be getting quite warm because your chargers are struggling to meet the heavy drain on the battery!  
At some of the shops of the retailers I supply to they tell me that they charge a 1000 rupees and keep the phone for 24 hours and all they do is de activate most services running in the back ground!  THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!
IDENTITY THEFT – People love the feeling of Breeze and HBL internet banking!  With devices like the Galaxy s5 & Iphone 5s where you have biometric security features people are now realizing that they have severe reconciliation issues with their bank statements and various other details!   Many mobile services that you download for free ask you to upgrade via downloading other software’s or sharing the programs. As you give permissions to these web based apps you allow them the rights to cross share your information to many companies and people who monitor consumer behavior! (How do you think Facebook makes it money?)  it is strongly advised that you do not install apps without reading the installation / setup features)
PERSONAL SECURITY – If you find yourself being stalked by someone you do not want to know where you are (like a wife) then please remove geo tagging and remove and disable features like checking in via four square everywhere you go to the loo! 
It is very easy to find out where anyone is these days and map a pattern of movements if one watches someone’s social media activity over 15 days!   So if you do not want your wife to know about your “special frand” or you are avoiding the bank because you missed your last 7 car payments my advice to you is to stop having your picture taken at a fancy restaurant or stop taking selfies with people whom you want to be like as well!
HIGH BILLING & COSTS – Ok so you all went Yay! when 3 Jee was launched!  But you never bothered to read the small print in the advertising!  Everyone who had a post-paid connection automatically suffered constipation, heart murmuring and high blood pressure the minute they got their first bill!  3 JEE is expensive!  How do you think the Telco’s make their money?  You need to see your data plan and once again set all your active applications to limit your data transfer.  I for one blasted through over 10 GB of downloads in a few hours myself!  When I got my bill and after the Panadol and Eno Fruit Salts and Esphagol realized that it was my fault for not reading the small print!

I hope these few issues I highlighted will help you to inwardly digest 3 JEE services! Acha Jee, Ok Jee, Haan Jee!

If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali

Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!