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Thursday, February 11, 2010

what to do when you want to get a job

shit man we all go through this -

1.       Sit down and understand the job you are applying for and research the qualities they are looking for in a person
2.       Find out who the line of reporting is to
3.       Set a bench mark in your mind of what you can realistically achieve for the employer

Once done and you know you can be honest to the job - Now you have to fit it into one page for a buffoon whose only weapon is his or her frustration at looking through a pile of fabricated bull crap that the world would have emailed to them without spell checking or using a theasaurus…

4.       Make sure it fits into one page
5.       Ensure it is single spaced – with arial as a font and size 11
6.       Try to put in facts and do not go over with your abominable taste for rhetoric
7.       Support them with KPI’s of success
8.       Leave your personal interests out – like swimming (basically float around in a pool as your belly states that) great chess player (people don’t like someone with too many brains as most people recruiting are insecure of their own jobs as they sit and fart around all day – note that is why they are hiring you to do the work)

9.       Try to deliver the resume or document in a paper printed format to the responsible person via a contact…  DO NOT GO YOUR SELF…  ensure the person states and understands that you should get the job on merit…  just so that their ass is never online in case you drain the company or your boss and take off…

DO NOT email as people who don’t even have an official account get spammed with everything from Viagra to visa lottery mails…

10.   Your follow up should always be via an official line and not on a mobile – respect the integrity of the persons time and remain professional

11.   If you are lucky enough to get the interview call
a.       Ask how much time you will have during the interview to state your abilities
b.      Have a haircut the day before
c.       On the day make sure your shoes are polished – even ferregamo looks like crap if its dirty… 
d.      Make sure you are respectably dressed and have showered –
e.      Do the potential employer a favor and don’t empty an expensive knock off perfume all over yourself as it is an interview for a respectable job and not an audition to perform late at night under a street lamp to pick up john’s
f.        Always be there 30 minutes before time and ensure you tell someone who is manning the counter (not a security guard who is already upset that you smell and look better than him and has to open the door for you) – be early because people usually want to go and piss or shit or need a smoke once they are under any kind of stress… 
g.       Ok once you have pooped / peed or had your nicotine fix wash your hands and dry them…  if your throat is dry ensure you ask for water at room temperature and sip it don’t gulp it down because – (yes you will be in the middle of your discussion and your mind will go blank as your adrenalin is pumping and all you will thing about is pissing and not delivering the message…)
h.      NOW YOU WILL THINK IM A COMPLETE IDIOT BUT GUESS WHAT – JERK OFF OR GET YOUR WIFE TO BLOW YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND TO GET DIRTY AND REALLY FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU Two hours before the interview – MAKE SURE YOU CUM – REASON the testosterone level and estrogen levels will dominate and once mixed with the adrenalin pumping through your veins fuck up your reason to logic – after sex one is usually calm and has literally gotten an unwanted load off – he he he – so now no matter what the employer throws at you even though the ac is on and her nipples are rock hard to cut through diamonds – your focus will be the job and not fantasizing about you could be the next sex slave bound in leather on her or his desk.
i.         Lastly do NOT send in your old visiting card as that states insecurity – make out a printed piece of paper with your name / position to be interviewed for and the time and with whom – do not put by reference of at all
j.        Make three copies of this as usually the idiot female at the counter when you hand it to her will be lost in her own world and write down the days order for lunch or her thokus number who has promised to dump his wife and make her the queen of america


12.   OK FINALLY YOU MEET THE PERSON
a.       Read a person when you meet them and look at body and facial language – whilst doing this take six deep breaths inhale from the mouth and exhale from the nose slowly to stabilize your blood pressure and excitement (remember the last time you were so excited was when you were having sex for the first time…) usually the way a person greets a person states a lot about their personality…
b.      Don’t strip them naked with your enthusiastic eyes or be too over confident – people hate a cheeky beggar…
c.       Do keep eye contact and ensure whatever salutation you begin with ends with sir or maam
d.      Whatever you do just don’t state that so and so bhai or uncle or whoever the fuck gave your paper to the person is the reason you are there – you just shot your abilities and will come across as someone who is an insecure mommies boy who has not yet stopped breast feeding…
e.      Bottom line your resume got you in (yes someone helped – but that’s over) its about you now so respect the time window and ensure you display professionalism even if your breasts are 55 double d’s or you feel that your uncle is the president of what ever)…  the first impression is the last so please don’t fuck it up… with your vanity

13.   Make sure you keep to the point and stick to work related stuff
14.   If you have questions ask them – you cant get shot down for asking what you don’t know – it also states your confidence to aske before fucking up the budget and ASS U ME ing something
15.   When it comes to the compensation be diplomatic and don’t prematurely blurt out a number – ask what they feel you are worth and politely ask them to state the respect in the form of a number specific to your abilities and not what the position pays – every position has a figure because when HR people are bored that is what they do – make your life miserable by coming up with plagiarized policies from the web – most importantly I have landed jobs worth millions by being a confident and patient negotiator
16.   Always leave a comfort zone for the employer to understand that you will not be a nightmare employee later and will be an asset and a liability…
17.   When leaving keep the respect and remember to ask two questions
a.       By when will you make your decision
b.      With whom should I follow up and may I have a contact email – (not number)
18.   If God meant it to be then you could land the job – or guess what join the masses and start looking somewhere else…

CORPORATE TERMINOLOGY - THE MARKETING MANAGER

If one were to understand the literal meaning of the word as mentioned in the title one would understand that it defines a positing that ensures the entire process of creating the brands image to a certain level is achieved...  Ok then why the hell does every company have a marketing manager / business development manager / relationship team...  bottom line - glorified terminology for idiots who could not make it big so settled for gas money and a free sim to go out and pimp substandard services to their relatives who eventually will hate their guts for having fucked them over with "A GREAT DEAL"

in todays day and age - marketing manger in reality is a glorified idiot that the company  has running around in a nice suit he was gifted by his or her inlaws to procure business in an environment where the consumer has become smart via pirated content off the web / inflation has fucked the spend power of people and  / most companies tell you to fuck off when it comes to customer service...

once this glorified tout gets any business for the company he is destroyed in reality as he now has to sit and recover the money for his employers who will not pay his wages unless the "fucking loss he has created for the unhappy boss who goes home and bangs his silicone wife is recovered...  so in short he is now a recovery agent...

all right now - some god forsaken idiot sitting miles away in another city has defined your targets irrespective of the situation of the country and this ding dong who sits and chats on face book all day "understanding" consumer patterns has no fucking clue as to what he is says because in reality this cheap 300 ruppee suit is in reality trying to score booze underage girls or has on the internet or looking for passwords to kiddieporn sites...  (FACT - Majority of the traffic over the internet is routed to porn sites from corporate owned IP's)

why dont people just make an honest product - everyone loves to buy a chinese mobile because it was cheap but no one loves to admit that its chinese...  if one has to get sales from glorified marketing managers then in short the dickheads sitting in the operations and delivery department better buck up rather than pushing the blame to a faulty sales process...  the people of our country are talented and are more hungry so that makes them excellent sales men - the fucked up thing is that the bosses have baap kamai and not AAP kamai so they dont understand the issues of the common man -

so pass this message on the prick who runs your establishment - deliver an honest product - provide customer service beyond par - have the ability to accept blame and then sit back and watch halal money roll in

BOTTOM LINE - INVEST IN INTEGRITY   - my two bits

what pisses me off

"yaara agar mujhe mauka diya hota naa tay phir..."  this is a common bloody line i hear from every damn ABCD or BBCD who could not run abbas textile mill and ran off to clean the toilets at heathrow or drive acab in the ghettos of newyork...

get a grip man - be proud - its great to be green and white so where the fuck did red and blue jump in...  also stop fantasizing about a flag with a wheel in it and orange... and stop your kids from singing vande mahataram - we have mehdi we have abida parveen we also used to have that fatso (not so any more) adnan sami khan but we never respected them neither did we give the great khan any due for his qawwali until peter gabriel asked him to sing for dead man walking - the fucked up thing was that it should have been dead nation walking...

are we on a suicide mission to destroy all that our forefathers built...  we cant accept change we cant accept the law we hat having a tank up our ass and we sure as hell cant agree on who goes to heaven with our internal indifferences about religion

we fight at home we destroy the sanctity of religion by bombing masjids we rape the essence of human rights as none of us want to work for a living yet love hand outs...  try looking at an employee in any bloody office in any vertikal of society... the new guy who is qalified either has to be on his knees being some wankers bitch until his morale is shot to blazes and does the same or constantly gets bashed mentally to try to justfiy to the whole department why his on time report will not affect the next one up in the food chains job because he was out golfing as the ceo was daddys buddy and over a glass of cheap adultrated scotch he landed the job...

brightspyre / rozee all the jobsites offer hope to the masses who eventually will never getmore than taxi money and the promises made by the tossers who had build an accredited university cant justify their education or intelligence...

i have realized be it a job or a contract - hona hai to quaid e azam hay to ho ga warna ptcl pay calll karwa do to its smooth sailing....  in my humble opinion stop investing in education start your own money printing press or invest in a really good phone directory...

VALENTINES DAY DIVORCE

Life sucks and then .....  it sucks some more...  the shitty thing is that people actually get a kick out of breakups and divorces rather than the feeling of togetherness....  the only one buying any teddy bears is a kid who has just grown pubes and wants to be in the pants of some female who has not even started her period...

Husbands have become busy and the rate of inflation has fucked men into living in a world of credit in Pakistan...  the only things plastic in pakistan were drinks containers and condoms to keep you safe incase you decided not to extend your family with your wife...  today society has more plastic that will give you morning sickness and if that does not do the trick then theres enough plastic wrapped goodies like coke and k that will leave you with half a brain cell when you try to avoid the frustration of modern day peer and financial pressures...

In my ramblings I would like to state to you that I am referring to the fact that in adopting technology to keep in touch - WE HAVE STOPPED COMMUNICATING WITH OUR LOVED ONES...  if you actually look at the world around you rather than on your farmville / mafia wars or any other online escape means you will see that the number of teenagers who are walking around trying to be piggers (pakistani niggers) or white trash is increasing...  parents would rather dash off to a wedding because the governors son is getting married and they would be able to make a big hoo haa about it for months on end talking about the same boring people who they dont really care about rather than spending an evening finding out what the fuck is going through their 14 year old daughters head...

husbands would rather tug at their crotch sitting in some corporate office in lahore or islamabad and fantasize about some 6 foot 7 inch transvestite who has disguised himself as a 16 year old virgin who is dyingto be deflowered rather than go home and try to resolve unmended issues with their wives...  aunties as of late have more plastic on their face and inside their bras and act like ridiculous circus freaks just to prove to a dope smoking bisexual hairdresser "DID THEM" up...  the funny thing is that the plastic in their best freinds husbands wallet paid for all this denting painting and now the poor bastard is staring at porn in the office wondering who actually got rogered in bed...

yes i am obnoxious yes i am a radical so fuck you and your damn leased honda accord if you dont agree with me...  look inside yourself and try to understand the small nucleus (your family) and see if you can actually grow the balls to fix it...

what the fuck man its already valentines and the fucked up thing is that pakistan has more broken hearts than any where on earth...  this valentines day stop thinking about divorce - accept reality and get off the computer and talk to those who really want to know whats going on...

there is an old saying the truth shall set you free - but what they did not tell you that its going to be a fucking shitstorm when you start...  people dont like the truth so put down the murree vodka and your sheesha laced with charas and try at first being honest with your damn self...

when done give your family small doses - just like you did with k and coke and then watch them get high on you...

happy fucking valentines day...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

SURVIVING IN PAKISTAN - Modern Day Techniques For Daily Survival

Ok! now I bet you wondered what the F&^%K is this dork talking about...  Well let me explain...  I am at war...  War with the world with the people I know and virtually everyone that is around me - The reason because if I back down i know I will get slaughtered without any mercy like a lamb by a hungry mob of capitalists who could not give a shit about my well being except their own...

FLASH BACK - I woke up one morning and went with my father to say eid namaz...  then we really rejoiced and had a great time and the word family meant something...  It meant all those in your immediate / professional and social spheres of influence as well...  I am talking about 1984 before the insecurities of politics and the small weiner complex of paan chewing men on honda fifty motorcycles as well as the insanity of feudalism stepped in and destroyed a nation that had hope...

I am one who has enslaved himself to technology and in simplifying my life and making it more easier I have driven myself insane by destroying the most important commodity in the year 2010...  TIME...  My cellphone / blackberry / laptop / voip lines etc have me accessable to countless number of idiots who feel the utter joy of trying to get something or the other out of me...  

i dont indulge in any obnoxious social carnivorous activity like politics and do not form opinions about people yet see on a daily basis how the media has liberated the so called nouveau riche into believing that they may detroy marraiges our culture and all the values on which our nation was formed...   none of these hyenas (as they are mostly cowards) will ever attack you alone as they fear your physical retaliation to their verbal onslaught...  yet when in numbers they will pick at you individually as they have sold their zameers to a foreign ideology far from what any religion preaches...

it is simply disgusting how i battle daily to avoid these people as if they used their common sense they would realize that i am no threat to them as i am uneducated... I am not too religious but I belive in Allah...  yet I have the common sense to decipher the teachings of the Holy Quran and not bow down to the emotional ramblings of some crotch scratching pedophile...  

our nation was attacked in the late 80's when some glass eyed general got blown to bits and then the media went mad...  we have been at war with ourselves for ages and yet we dont know...  we keep shifting the blame on any other entity as long as we dont have to point the fingers at our own selves....

the bloody main point is that pakistanis want to go to heaven - only thing is they dont want to die...

wake up pakistan - you have the power to do anything...  you are pissing it all away...

MERA GHUSSA - TUMHARI HANSI

saray fauji bhaag gaya kiyon kay siyasat nay masjidon pay hamla kar dala,

maulana saray bahar mulkon main baith kay islamabad pay sharab ki ulti kar rahay,

boltay hain - kay janat hum sab ko jaana chahiyay... l

ekin afsos ki yeh baat hai in bharwon main say aik bhi nahi marta



oh bahi is maikhanay main kiyon nangay nachtay ho jab ajrak orh kay masajid kay bahar baithay rahtay ho shabab ka kharcha jama kartay huway...

dilon ki batay batatay ho un ko jis say tumhara koi wasta nahin...

sar pay say yeh parcham hata do is kay haray main koi quaid e azam nahin...

safaidi say apnay zameer ko saaf kar lo aur in voton ka koi to faida do watan ko...



tumhari bastee main maikhaanay bahut hain meray dost,

tumharay andharay main kkoi gham nahin,

humararay ujalay main koi shama nahi,

to is janat main masjid kiyon nahi, dil dukhatay huway hum nay aansoo say samundar bhar liya,

darya sookh gaya kiyon kay un koi kaam nahin, yeh log samajhtay nahin kay kiyamat aa chukee hai...


agar main cheekhon to kaun sunay ga...

agar tum nacho to kaun royay ga...

agar talim hay imaan ka sauda to phir is taajiron ki masjid mein hum sub maulana hain...