Saturday, May 24, 2014

Controversial Business!

I met Sir Elton John in England in 1989 at the HMV music store on Bond Street! (really sucked that I did not have a camera and that smartphones, hashtags and instagram did not exist) whilst signing an audio tape box I asked him how does one become a recognized musician and he replied (NOT verbatim) “one should always make such a fantastic first impression so that people remembered that person even when he or she had left the room!”
Today controversy or controlled mayhem sells and pays you in hard cash!  That is ridiculously funny in a very positive way for your wallet!  When its election time the TV channels talk about ratings when your advertising company tries to sell you a campaign it tries to estimate the number of eyeballs that would see it!  Also the more the traffic the more expensive the hoarding!
People. Companies, products, brands, anything really is now desperate to be remembered… Why?  With human beings enslaved to technology and having so much information to digest people forget the newest thing within seconds because it becomes old as something more outrageous pops along!  
When celebrities shout and scream about their “cookies & cream” videos being posted online and freak out, it’s actually nonsense!  Come on doesn’t common sense tell you that if two people make a selfie tota then one of them has had to have shared it with full knowledge of what will happen (either that or the person was bound gagged and really a spastic to have allowed this to happen)

Whether it’s googles or a gunshot wound or someone brushing past you in a crowd, anything that will make the public remember you is what matters!  Just look at any Ufone advert…  the regular goof troop has done a brilliant job of making stupidity pay the company in hard cash!

Some of the best deals that tragedy has gifted to many people are...
Mathira – indian movie contracts (she aspires to be Sunny Leone) 

Malala Yousuf Zai – Millions in book deals (sterling) endorsements and a
Nobel Peace Prize 

Lal Masjid Burkha Maulana – Spokesperson for Taliban and millions in endorsements from KPK and Saudi Arabia 

Pervez Musharraf who’s in the line of fire has generated billions in dollars and public speaking alone gave him millions through US book Publishing! 

Imran Khan played the world cup prize giving ceremony with a “I love mom speech” he got a princess to come here to Pakistan, managed to make a political party, married British nobility, produced two sons, became the chancellor of a UK university… 

Asif Ali Zardari – All was forgiven when his wife died… and you know what happened next… 

Sherry Rehman – was brushed aside in a rally march and wound up brushing everyone else aside when the time came to pick a US ambassador. 

One pound fish got so connected that he got a UK nationality out of a country that had deported him along with residual income from PTCL and the national exchequer 

We really saw EYE TO EYE when Mobilink changed its company colors over a chap who had bad hair and anything but beautiful eyes!  That deal alone for brand ambassadorship had so many zeros attached to it that he never needs to look anyone in the eye!  

Amir Liaqat had so much fun abusing cussing and making a fool of us that the corporate world decided to endorse his obnoxious behavior to an extent where he was auctioning off babies online??? 

The chappies who got done for spot fixing now have book deals to tell their side of the story worth millions of sterling! 

The chap who killed the late Governor Taseer has over 8 mosques named after him! 

The cherry on the pie is Mr. Altaf Hussain who somehow manages to shut down an entire city when he frowns on the media in London! 

Pretty soon Hamid Mir will become the most expensive commodity as we now HAVE to feel sorry for him! 

So irrespective of what you tell me! Negativity does pay you in hard core cash as long as you have a fantastic publicist who knows how to devise a surgically perfect strategic plan to make you from the bad guy into a victim… and victims always get charity!

As an emotional nation we really auction off our intelligence to whats app and facebook videos and stupid controversial emails by making these chaps more richer! 
It does not matter what you say about them the bottom line is that you managed to remember these people even when you did not need to or want to!

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DP restores your VIRGINITY!

DP restores your VIRGINITY!
To all of you kinky schmucks who love red tube “DP restores your VIRGINITY” would mean something very inviting but no there are no sexual connotations in this blog post!  Everything has its limits and this was a test of patience in the truest of forms!   I have known AC for ages (about 24 years) he was and always has been an obsessive compulsive freak!  Adnaan Chaudhary has been a very different sort of chap!  Whatever he has done he has done very very VERY well!  He was a tuition teacher who gave Anoo a run for his money!   Annnnnnd now he cleans cars!  Haan Gari dhota hai!  Sachi!  Seriously this guy cleans cars and unlike the guy walking down I. I. Chundrigar, with a bucket full of sewerage water and a rag full of his snot Adnaan has perfected the art of cleaning your car to the point that the nice “NEW” car smell comes back to it giving you a boner like you got when you first got it!  So in actuality he is a lean (Not so fat anymore) mean car cleaning s*x machine!
Ok how did I test his patience!  Well I f*cked up BIIIIIIIG time I pride myself on delivering on time and only work on advances so I delayed delivering a crucial state of ther art machine he needed for his work because I went through let’s see fourteen days of… (oh wait not your or his problem!)  seriously I tested his patience like Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! But he never freaked out!  So I hopped over one day and delivered his computer!  When I walked in I saw in front of me at least fuve Hotttttt bitches ( I get a boner from cars!) An Audi something 2014, A Porsche 2013 something, a hot 2014 lexus something and a hot land cruiser something basically he had over 8 crores of state of the art machinery that spelt S E X in his work area and forget the boner I had cummed!   Then on Sunday I popped over and saw…. Never mind you get the point….   Yaar being at this guys place is like evry tuchas dream come true on a cd 70 from Nazimabad and I was one of them!
Honestly I flipped out when I saw how carefully his guys tore apart a car from bumper to the dashboard only to clean where you would not think to do so… in the USA people break the entire car down and if I had enough memory I would have recorded it but shit man this was serious!   I mean its onething to go to your mechanic and have him change the oil and hit phase 8 but Adnaan sat and tore apart over a crores worth of machinery that looked hot and when they put the Porsche back I felt like I was looking at Vida Guerraa’s butt on the CNN beach review along with Nicole Scherzinger rack that screamed…. EAT ME NOW!
Dude seriously I have heard of restorations surgery for virginity…. (hehehe) but this guy knows his shit!  Uffffffff if you want your car brought back to factory condition or showroom condition YOU HAVE TO GO AND GET DP’d  (sadly that is a pun on words but you know what I mean!)   Yaar don’t take my word for it go and get oversexed as far as automobile restorations go!

AC I can’t wait for you to DP my baby to virginity! (errrrrrrr no kinky sexual reference intended!)  Oddly my buddy is also obssessed with the number 69! (hehehehe)
Or call...  +92 3008256969
Or for you Noveau Riche freaks email him at -

Sorry i was late in giving your machine to you! 

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Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014



Sheikh Chilly maikhanay kay darwazay pay khara bheeg mang raha tha, 
Aakhir doston nay kaha kay issay kuch pila do, 
Apnay gham main tawaif ko lay kar kisi aur kay Janoo kay ghar ja pohncha, 
janoo nay ussay darwazay pay kaha kiya ye humari dosti ki keemat hai, 
Faraz uth para aur bola jigar tumhara koi deen nahi to is iman ki kiya keemat hai!

nasha bohat buri cheese hai yaron, 
apno ko bhula daytee hai un ki auqat, 
zindagi to us rab kay naam jis nay mila diya us pilanay walay ko meri jaan 
sheikh chilli ki to bohat kahanian hain jis mein gham ki hai saughat, 
ishq kiya to doosron say jin kay saath nahi guzri raat,
maikhanay say dekhta reh gaya kaafir us pagal panay main nahi niklay alfaaz, 

subah howi to koi aur sahi ach chalo theek hai meri jaan! 

Aadab ka jawab hais taleem magar is zindagi hai naam us ki jis nay adab nah seekha ho ya deen, 
Fakhar hai humain us par jis nay duba diya asmaano ko, 
rotay howay ghulab khiltay hain apnay aanso'n kay bahr main, 
pyar kay bhukay hain hum kanton main phasay howay
gunegar to haim magar kiayamt say takarnay ko to chill bhi tayar, 

Kaafir bolo yaa imandaar duniya hamain nahi bakhsti, 
insaniyat nahi jaantay magar pyar mein doobnay kay waday hum hain kartay, 
dekho is zameer ko jisay hum nay thukraya, 
khauf hai humain jissay woh mazhab pukara, 
tum kahin kay nahi gunaghar pehley insaan to ban kay dikhao meri jaan, 

agar tumhain sau janham milengi, to sau baar khoon bahao gay, 
jitney dilon ko tor lo phir bhi tumhara pait nahi bharay ga, us ghaflat say kiyon kay aaj tak mai khanay kay drwazay pay bheeg mangtay kharay ho chill 

kaun kis raha woh baat to shuru hi nahi howi! 

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Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!

Sunday, May 18, 2014


If you are thinking about adopting a child you need to read this!  If you are an Adopted parent or child then you definitely need to read this!

People adopt a child because they feel that it will make up for a psychological or emotional imbalance that they have in their lives when it comes to parenting!  A lot of people who do adopt a child have not had the luxury of being told the following few things!  By the time they realize these few things it is too late because the imbalance has become a rocky, turbulent sea of emotional volatile problems that cannot be controlled!

FIRST let’s understand the fact that people who adopt a child will LOVE that child more than a birth parent would! The reason is that they have so many expectations of themselves and of that child that when they do not come true the feel very disappointed and guilt is a major factor they have to deal with all their lives!   You see love turns to hate (mostly of one’s self because you cannot hate what you call a child)

To avoid any disappointments later parents that want to adopt are strongly advised to try to find out the origination of the child!  At least to some extent one can be prepared for hereditary behavioral traits so that they don’t get surprises as parents claim.  To simplify this before you get a puppy you want to know the nasal or the blood line or for that matter when a couple gets married these days it is very common to take blood tests for both the boy and the girl to know if there are any hidden diseases or DNA strands that would carry genetic ailments over.  Oh yes nowadays pregnant moms also get tests done during pregnancy to find out if the fetus will have downs syndrome or not!  So why not find out where your would be child will come for and prepare yourself before hand!

LEGALLY you need to protect yourself and your child because under Shariah or Islamic Law that child cannot be a mehrum and rights of succession including ancestral lineage is null and void.   When you have adopted your child you MUST write out a living will and testament to show that out of free will and in sane mind you have protected your child’s future and this is a document that will act as force majeure in the case you have relatives come out of the wood works should you un expectedly die!

DEALING WITH AN ADOPTED CHILD you need to first sit down and drink a glass of water and calm down as your emotions will always be at a high when this child is involved! Rather than focusing on the child’s success you will struggle subconsciously to avoid failure yourself as a parent!  Success or failure is defined by how you look at the world and what you set your boundaries to define for you! For one STOP comparing because it’s not about you and it’s about the child!  Today more adopted children deal with it easily because society has un raveled the cocoon of hypocrisy to a huge extent!   It is the progressive parents that refuse to stop clutching at the conservative strings of yesterday that often add to the problems and have their own issues of dealing with the fact that their child is adopted!

LOVE – With any child any amount of love bestowed is not enough! Just multiply that with infinity when it comes to dealing with an adopted child because you have to factor in the insecurities of the parents as well!  When a child is born it may have inbred character traits but its behavior can and will change as it will only become what environment it grows up in!  A child does not know hate and it learns to resent what it sees as a normal form of behavior!  If you have an adopted child or are thinking of adopting one you need to understand that you first need to get a grip on the reality of your own insecurities in the here and the now before taking that step!

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED – Not one of us is a prophet and none of us have the ability to predict what will happen or who will die next!  As we all believe in some form of God we should have faith and confidence in our own upbringing and rather than focus on the negativity of what might happen we should use love and try to make the right things happen!  One cannot and should not stereotype a child as it always happens because a child only becomes what the parents present to it as an environment in the first 5 (five years) of its life!  Once a child learns something it cannot and will not unlearn it like you or me so we need to focus on what the child learns rather than spend an entire lifetime trying to get the spilt milk back in the glass and living with regret that will lead to some form of venomous behavior from within us parents!

UNCONDTIONAL LOVE – is what everyone needs!  However we put a price tag on all our relationships and this can be in the form of a first position in class or a winning a swimming trophy!  Frankly the kids don’t have issues… if you go to a sports day you will se the parents are the ones taking selfies with their iphones and the kids trophies!  Guys come on it’s about the kids and not how well you have done as a parent so relax!  Sadly this emotional piracy happens with parents who are the birth parents of their own kids but the Adopted parents take failure much harder!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN – Adopted children ALL of them are the best liars!  The reason for this is that they have been raised in their formative years believing a lie about who their parents are! When they find out the truth it is the biggest set of problems and a definite game changer that will send an open and happy go lucky child into a never ending tunnel of insecurity that will force the child to lie to themselves!  In doing so these children also witness the confused reactions of their own parents who themselves have not been prepared for the truth of this reaction so the child starts using the creative side of their brain to think up solutions for problems that should have NOT existed.  Adopted children if lied to will become the most creative and convincing story tellers because in the formative years of their lying they need to convince themselves that they are ok!  They hide their pain and further resentment faced by their parents for not being perfect so this does play its self out in aggressive or totally passive traits that might label the child as a sociopath!

FORGIVENESS – in order to adopt a child you need closure with your own internal issues!  You need to clear the problems of not being able to conceive as parents and you need to complete support of your own securities and happiness!  A child, any child is a symbol of love so if it landed in your lap you are the luckiest person because you did not have to go through the nine months of pain!  However you need to balance your own sins and forgive yourself and just love yourself first before you love that child!  The world was and is not a nice place an nobody will be nice to you so accept that and rather than trying to focus on raising the perfect child – focus on being the perfect parent!  NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO neither the child nor the parent will never do it right no matter what!  So accept that and learnt to forgive and most of all FORGET!  At least you will be able to find closure to move on in life!

THE CURE – if you want to adopt a child or are a parent then you need to calm down! Rather than looking to shift any blame for what you tried to do as right one needs to realize that a child no matter what is an individual!  Yes you need to learn how to deal with such problems BUT THERE IS NO PERFECT BOOK ON PARENTING!  There never will be because each child is different and so is every parent!  The best thing one can do is find a person or an audience to listen to them and come up with positive solutions as a group that will provide the nurturing environment for both the parent and the child right from the day they are handed to you from their mothers’ wombs!

Yes in case you are wondering I am an adopted child!

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Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!