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Thursday, February 11, 2010

what to do when you want to get a job

shit man we all go through this -

1.       Sit down and understand the job you are applying for and research the qualities they are looking for in a person
2.       Find out who the line of reporting is to
3.       Set a bench mark in your mind of what you can realistically achieve for the employer

Once done and you know you can be honest to the job - Now you have to fit it into one page for a buffoon whose only weapon is his or her frustration at looking through a pile of fabricated bull crap that the world would have emailed to them without spell checking or using a theasaurus…

4.       Make sure it fits into one page
5.       Ensure it is single spaced – with arial as a font and size 11
6.       Try to put in facts and do not go over with your abominable taste for rhetoric
7.       Support them with KPI’s of success
8.       Leave your personal interests out – like swimming (basically float around in a pool as your belly states that) great chess player (people don’t like someone with too many brains as most people recruiting are insecure of their own jobs as they sit and fart around all day – note that is why they are hiring you to do the work)

9.       Try to deliver the resume or document in a paper printed format to the responsible person via a contact…  DO NOT GO YOUR SELF…  ensure the person states and understands that you should get the job on merit…  just so that their ass is never online in case you drain the company or your boss and take off…

DO NOT email as people who don’t even have an official account get spammed with everything from Viagra to visa lottery mails…

10.   Your follow up should always be via an official line and not on a mobile – respect the integrity of the persons time and remain professional

11.   If you are lucky enough to get the interview call
a.       Ask how much time you will have during the interview to state your abilities
b.      Have a haircut the day before
c.       On the day make sure your shoes are polished – even ferregamo looks like crap if its dirty… 
d.      Make sure you are respectably dressed and have showered –
e.      Do the potential employer a favor and don’t empty an expensive knock off perfume all over yourself as it is an interview for a respectable job and not an audition to perform late at night under a street lamp to pick up john’s
f.        Always be there 30 minutes before time and ensure you tell someone who is manning the counter (not a security guard who is already upset that you smell and look better than him and has to open the door for you) – be early because people usually want to go and piss or shit or need a smoke once they are under any kind of stress… 
g.       Ok once you have pooped / peed or had your nicotine fix wash your hands and dry them…  if your throat is dry ensure you ask for water at room temperature and sip it don’t gulp it down because – (yes you will be in the middle of your discussion and your mind will go blank as your adrenalin is pumping and all you will thing about is pissing and not delivering the message…)
h.      NOW YOU WILL THINK IM A COMPLETE IDIOT BUT GUESS WHAT – JERK OFF OR GET YOUR WIFE TO BLOW YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND TO GET DIRTY AND REALLY FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU Two hours before the interview – MAKE SURE YOU CUM – REASON the testosterone level and estrogen levels will dominate and once mixed with the adrenalin pumping through your veins fuck up your reason to logic – after sex one is usually calm and has literally gotten an unwanted load off – he he he – so now no matter what the employer throws at you even though the ac is on and her nipples are rock hard to cut through diamonds – your focus will be the job and not fantasizing about you could be the next sex slave bound in leather on her or his desk.
i.         Lastly do NOT send in your old visiting card as that states insecurity – make out a printed piece of paper with your name / position to be interviewed for and the time and with whom – do not put by reference of at all
j.        Make three copies of this as usually the idiot female at the counter when you hand it to her will be lost in her own world and write down the days order for lunch or her thokus number who has promised to dump his wife and make her the queen of america


12.   OK FINALLY YOU MEET THE PERSON
a.       Read a person when you meet them and look at body and facial language – whilst doing this take six deep breaths inhale from the mouth and exhale from the nose slowly to stabilize your blood pressure and excitement (remember the last time you were so excited was when you were having sex for the first time…) usually the way a person greets a person states a lot about their personality…
b.      Don’t strip them naked with your enthusiastic eyes or be too over confident – people hate a cheeky beggar…
c.       Do keep eye contact and ensure whatever salutation you begin with ends with sir or maam
d.      Whatever you do just don’t state that so and so bhai or uncle or whoever the fuck gave your paper to the person is the reason you are there – you just shot your abilities and will come across as someone who is an insecure mommies boy who has not yet stopped breast feeding…
e.      Bottom line your resume got you in (yes someone helped – but that’s over) its about you now so respect the time window and ensure you display professionalism even if your breasts are 55 double d’s or you feel that your uncle is the president of what ever)…  the first impression is the last so please don’t fuck it up… with your vanity

13.   Make sure you keep to the point and stick to work related stuff
14.   If you have questions ask them – you cant get shot down for asking what you don’t know – it also states your confidence to aske before fucking up the budget and ASS U ME ing something
15.   When it comes to the compensation be diplomatic and don’t prematurely blurt out a number – ask what they feel you are worth and politely ask them to state the respect in the form of a number specific to your abilities and not what the position pays – every position has a figure because when HR people are bored that is what they do – make your life miserable by coming up with plagiarized policies from the web – most importantly I have landed jobs worth millions by being a confident and patient negotiator
16.   Always leave a comfort zone for the employer to understand that you will not be a nightmare employee later and will be an asset and a liability…
17.   When leaving keep the respect and remember to ask two questions
a.       By when will you make your decision
b.      With whom should I follow up and may I have a contact email – (not number)
18.   If God meant it to be then you could land the job – or guess what join the masses and start looking somewhere else…

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