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Saturday, September 18, 2010

TELL A WHORE!

We are living in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan and some of the best things about this country are the family values that we try to protect and preserve even though every new generation tries to flex the muscles of confusion to our elders. The beauty of our language is divine and the family values of respect we stand by define who we are.

Lately all that has been shattered by a great company that I respected. A Telco has re-launched its new WAP or internet based service and used subliminal degradation of all the values that define a new concept known as TELL A WHORE INTERNET… I wonder how this company with a clear understanding the Norwegian way of doing business by playing dirty kept its self-clear and free of all media related bashings which led us to an entertaining match between two Telco’s that ended in an indigo colored teri mehrbani…

It’s simply ridiculous that it is portrayed via this ad that any one with this mobile tell a whore connection will have access to all kinds of kinky desires by our female citizens. Not only is it degrading to women rather a complete bashing of what we believe to be known as Pakistani Family values… This is my opinion that if one has to fight a game of numbers then why is it focused on using sex or something taboo in our society to get that sudden influx of people to try a service that they will be disappointed in and eventually ad to the rubble of illegal Sims… This is the biggest nightmare that the geeks at PTA are constantly in an argument with the Telco’s about…

Whoever was responsible for commissioning this campaign should have used more creative elements that defined family values and honest business practices to gain a stronger and more dependent customer base… There is too much information out there whether we like it or not and even though we claim to be marketer’s our egos once in the telco world don’t allow us the luxury to get a firm grip on reality of the here and the now. I guess this was a desperate attempt to gain a burst of non-consistent customers and is highly ridiculous as its insults our Pakistani upbringing… But what do I know? I’m just a geek with an opinion!

THE HUMILIATION IN VICTORY!

Lately Pakistan has become a rocking swimming pool filled with agony pain and strife! Even the UN sent SALT to come and help us heal our open wounds… But this agony that has been cause by uncontrollable acts of God is nothing compared to the un-necessary destruction of an entire nation’s morale which is already beaten, downtrodden, smashed and destroyed by what has happened to it.

Last night on the news I was watching all my TV channels and I noticed that the news was torn between good and bad news… The frightening elements were that whilst Pakistan was being rocked by an earthquake the media was declaring our victory in the United Kingdom at the oval. As people started rejoicing someone in a top hat decided that their tea and crumpets don’t taste so good so they decided to proclaim that a brilliant defeat was rigged.

The amusing thing is I want to delve into history by stating that I guess this humiliation in defeat started on August the 14th 1947. The Bulldogs never got over the fact that they had to give back what was never theirs. As we are the stepchild of a nation who wanted and still wants a lot from us in the form of resources it openly refuses to acknowledge that the mem-saab era is over. The new faction in the british free mason class have come to power and are obnoxiously open in declaring that anything east of its borders is unworthy of respect. I am shocked to hear that this witch hunt for corruption has not ended as in the United Kingdom it is still legal to gamble and they believe that all the revenues from dog racing or cock fighting or ball watching goes to feed their social security needs.

Forget gambling the main issue is that what on earth is Britain thinking when the declare that a match is rigged by one team especially when it takes two sides to play this game. Let’s not get emotional here just sit and think for a minute even if there is gambling going on then, that nation in the united kingdom openly endorses it… Now go further back to the 1700’s. When the Brits went west looking for land they saw America… They met Red Indians how did they destroy them… They infiltrated it with two elements to entirely rupture a complete way of life based upon spirituality known as alcohol and gambling. Once the red Indians were no longer in their senses they gambled and made them lose their land. To establish they were superior they imported human beings from Africa and eventually between the Boston Tea Party and the Texas massacre they were left divided themselves…

I’m ending my short note just as a protest that when one is defeated one needs to understand it and not bear a grudge as that is not at all sportsman like at all… I only have one question to ask the British the Chinese don’t play cricket so what are they going to get them for as they also had to withdraw from Hong Kong? Post your comments and share this with the world…

TO SELL OR NOT TO SELL!

I have been told several times that I am always selling something! Be it a car, movie theater, event, lifestyle or a foreign tour abroad you name it… I sell it! Someone even went so far as to tell me that I should wear an overcoat with pockets in it that carry my umpteen products just like a hustler on the street… When someone meets me they usually get confused because I talk too fast… throw a lot at them to inwardly digest and ramble from topic to topic never sticking to one main core issue… This they tell me is my downfall in “selling” whatever it is I am. I even went so far as to buy a domain name salesforcepk.com and when I announced it to a few people I got mixed reactions as they thought it to be a condiment item in the various protein shake of things that I delved into over the past years…

Yesterday, I was in the process of trying to get some cars registered for my company Islamabad Limos and whilst sitting bargaining the various elements of life and what to write in my next article I realized I was not getting anywhere… After a few cups of chai and soggy biscuits I left with a bigger headache and realized that I was stuck in the limbo of mental flatulence… Yes my virginity of never having a brain fart as a self-proclaimed writer had been robbed! I was the witness to a new feeling of what is known as writers block… I knew deep down inside the gas was there but it was stuck somewhere in the neurons of my mind leaving me with the uncomfortable urge to exhale it but I did not know how. I write on social issues and yes I sell the positivity in life because all the bad news on the television leaves us with the feeling of being incompetent and at the end of the day with a viciously ridiculous attitude that is harmful to ourselves.

So I decided to write about some great salesmen starting with me who is not so famous and a few others and how they made it in life… often I give sales strategies to those who understand their brands best know how to do it with big budgets and are constantly having to justify forecasts that are not currently tangible in ones existing asset inventory. Ok let’s get serious and before we go any further let’s take a look at ourselves. Now understand this one thing which is simple! “WE ARE ALL SALES PEOPLE!” Whether we like it or not we are Pakistani’s and the minute we cross the threshold of sanctuary in the womb and open our eyes our sales training begins! As infants and adolescents our parents sell us to our relatives so that we are accepted socially (who knows color, sex, and our entire anatomy most of all complexion is usually justified). As our umbilical cord of dependence on our parents is cut and we begin the destruction of our innocence with schooling we have to sell ourselves to find a place in institutions of higher learning and the plagued confused societies of today. As we grow hair in our nether regions and reach adulthood we have to sell ourselves to find the most suitable partner in crime to support our journey towards the inevitable. So in short we are always selling ourselves whether we like it or not. The best graphic form to describe this is to sit down with a box of popcorn and watch Disney’s Lion King… This is the circle of life!

As we are all good sales people I would like to inform you what traits you need to develop to become a vicious sales person and what skills you need to sharpen. The first and most important one is the ability to listen and most of all hear. Most salesmen fail because the know what to say and seldom never understand when it is time to shut up. A deadly salesman knows what NOT to say! As a sales man if you focus on meeting the needs of a client and give them a solution that will actually benefit them then automatically their wants will become secondary. Try this, if you have a child that is hungry and wants pizza hut then try making a good looking chicken sandwich and serve it with what you feel would be healthy. Don’t force it on your offspring rather ask them to try it… now as the fact is established that they are hungry – your goal is to give them healthy food… but put your goal aside. Make the food fun for them and ask not demand that they try it. I guarantee that after they try the first bite and the food has crossed the gullet you will not need to argue with how great your lentils and beans taste…

The second is a trait which we all have adopted and that is to have a delusional grip on the reality of the here and now… Try this, if you have any member of your family that is an introvert and all your highly qualified therapist relatives have been trying to get into that beings brain then why not use a different approach… Understand that person and focus on what makes them an introvert… If that person is averse to group settings find some natural quality time with the person in an environment where they feel comfortable and then don’t discuss the issue at hand (smoking, drinking, sex, their friends you don’t like etc.) Just use the jester approach and become an idiot… It usually helps if you talk about your past failures and what almost broke you in life from a funny perspective… Use the weapon of laughter to destroy the walls of insecurity and don’t stop talking about what an idiot you are… usually after a session or two the trust will develop and you could gain an insight into who your kid sister is dating and why? Also if you understand the reality then the subject will subliminally tell you what the need as a solution to their problem…

The third and final point as a salesman that I will discuss is very essential. Every salesman MUST follow this point as it would be crucial to defining their success in this forest filled with fires. Be it your employer your spouse and whoever you should never commit to something you cannot achieve. Develop this respect for yourself and then your surrounding fraternity of thieves (relatives and peers). Realize what you can do and state that… There is no harm in trying to do something but it is devastating to be a David in a world of Goliaths today… Now if you don’t commit to something then don’t demand a salary… All the great salesmen including me live by the commission example of life… (pimp, tout, lawyer, gambler) are other names used to define us so let’s not live up that name. If you are honest with your job then you will not ask for a salary. What defines a great salesman is that he could be in the midst of twenty objections and his paycheck would define his success but his ability to convert the objection into an obstacle and over come it with honest facts rather than empty promises…

Also a brilliant salesman never becomes a recovery agent for the company as his clients are well sought out and carefully chosen… This kills the volume aspect of things and enables a salesman to leave caffeine and nicotine addictions and allows him the time to enjoy his family time… There is a lot that I talk on in the world of sales and how if one looks at sales properly then one can define that this lifestyle is fun and enjoyable… As I end my lecture I would like to ask you to focus on one thing it is known as honesty… The best sales happen when the element of honesty is there and people are not trying to sell... Bottom line – you’re a schmuck! Admit it! And start living! There’s lots to sell you just have to enjoy doing it and know how! Now that this is over – close your eyes and repeat in your own head three words! “I AM INVINCIBLE!”

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

STUCK IN LIMBO

As I wake up I am terrified by the odds that I have to face… The fear of facing the world whilst being unemployed is what I don as an undergarment… I wash the shaving foam with tears that don’t seem to stop flowing from the misery that I am trapped in this rat race where religion prevents me from cocking my nine and ending it all to face the essence of the harsh reality that society will not let me live. My misery is what entertains the media – tears are what they sell yet the relief that I want is not near… My mother has over medicated me with overdoses of the wrong kind of medicine that is futile in fighting my diseases. I am handcuffed by fate to the obvious reality that no matter how far I run I will never be able to hide from the fact that I would be be better off resting six feet under…

I am stuck in a world where what is socially acceptable is morally and ethically wrong. I am surrounded by the false values that have been instilled into me from Karachi to Waziristan and I have no claim upon any identity that is thrown before you. Shifting from the insanity to my mind I sit at a desk in a massive hall of pain wondering when the suffering will end. I am the happiness in your grief and I am the suffering of you insanity. Bound by the straight jacket of this constitution I am tolerant to what I have to witness and blindfolded by the scales of uneven justice.

I am about to bring death to this world and I am stuck at the cross road of life wondering if I should strangle my newborn with the umbilical cord before me so that I don’t have to face the questions some time later about why life is not fair. The maggots of society have eaten away at my soul and the flies of humanity just want to feel good about what charity is declared in the paper that I hide my naked body with. Yet I am forced to eat their sins of yesterday praying that one day someone will listen to my wretched screams.

Society will watch me burn and religion will crucify my soul yet as I close my eyes every time I blink I cannot see Gabriel, Peter or Lucifer as there is a huge fight going on as to who will bear the cost of my existence on earth. I started my journey towards death the day I opened my eyes not knowing that as a citizen of the human race I would have to constantly fight a battle for the right to live… I have the ability to give life yet I have the agony in suffering the labor pains from the decisions that are made for me. I am not lost I am found but to whom and when and where as I am stuck in the limbo of praying that karo kari will occur as my punishment is that of being a Pakistani flood victims wife…

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

DISCONNECTED! “A CRAZY TELCO THEORY!”

Ok now picture this! Twenty slobbering lions wait and observe a herd of buffalo, the heat sets in and the frothing at the mouth becomes too much to bear – within the blink of an eye an unfortunate half dazed buffalo becomes dinner and then the lions are lying flat on their backs licking their chops… (typical scene from a national geographic episode)

Flash out to Pakistan – A room with twenty crotch scratching men each one picking at the remains of last night’s dinner in their best ittar washed shalwar kameez’s and staring at you tube for the latest dirt they can dig up to entertain them selves… for hours this goes on and the silence is only broken by the odd slurping of tea – gacking of coagulated mucus and the eventual farts stuck deep within. – Welcome to the PTA offices.

Right ok done with the drama then back to reality – Lately our pop stars have been hiking up their rates for the telco’s who spend like mad on them to ensure that they will endorse not so border to border connectivity. The rates have been getting cheaper and all telcos are on the war path brutally cutting slicing and dicing away at what they can to ensure that they can grab at whatever stragglers that are left behind who don’t own a sim… This is not specific to Pakistan. It’s damn clich├ęd that when facebook came out everyone wanted to make a clone and that is what happened with every success story globally. In these pricing wars one needs to understand that the consumer (basically the masses) are not the ones to make an ullo ka pattha or be made one should the readily jump ship.

The average consumer is brand conscious and media has ensured that he or she can tell who is what does what – today technology has shot its self in the foot as news becomes bad news the instantly it leaves your body in the form of a text email or discussion. Whilst the consumer may not be able to afford a latest phone or laptop china has made it possible for him to rub up the elite few by brandishing an extremely brilliant knock off that will be smarter and work faster than your million dollar toy.

I predict that one day the exchequer will be rogered as the emiratis have had enough – the egyptians will go back to loving pyramids and the battle will be left between a horde of norsemen and ghengis khans best descendants. Right now in my happy world warid does not even touch the scales of my insane theory as its cto jumped ship and thre in the towel… It’s a survival of the fittest and the one who has the most brilliant conservatively obnoxious ad spend will win. I predict that by the year 2014 the world will not have ended as it states in the movie 2012 because the telcos will be fighting for VAS innovations that they will be trying to implement via third party advertisers.

Yes forget your jehans bouncing on trains and ullo ka pathas trying to go to the west its going to be a battle of who has the best image and then this is where the beauty of marketing comes in. All companies will need to invest in selling products on line as we are enslaved by technology – just try throwing your cell phone away (either you will be bankrupt or have a hit squad knocking at your door if you are anyone of any significance.) The best and cheapest form of reaching any desired mass audience will be via a triple play data network (not cellular). I would not be surprised if all your items were approved by the telco industry before being launched.
We laughed at knight rider – mocked terminator – laughed at star trek and now its all coming true – artificial knees, hips cars that tell you when to stop backing up – computers that tell you they have a virus and cellphones that play 3 d movies. As I end my insane theory I want you to ask your self how disconnected are you today?

NAYATEL KI PURANI BAAT

When I was growing up and was a weee lad I had always been mystified by the word computer . It was something that I perceived that only someone who was in a white lab coat with thick glasses and a millions pens in his breast pocket would be able to operate – in short a nerd… As I wobbled my way through the 80’s movies like weird science etc definitely blew away the possibilities of me understanding if this was ever possible. In the early eighties a drama came on ptv with an extremely well known cast that was in urdu “robot”. Yes we as a nation in the early eighties started to get infected by the technology virus. In fact it’s quite weird that what we thought as a basic if not complicated calculator has managed to infiltrate into our lives as an extremely inexpensive option for entertainment.

As I have seen the development of technology and been a part of the geek squad that established the first call center in Pakistan as well as remained as the COO of various semi government organizations I have always been on the verge of trying not to get addicted to anti depressants as this new found industry (only a few years old) is extremely volatile, versatile and extremely progressive (both in the negative and positive sense)

In order to run with the technology presented to a person today one needs to understand a few basics when trying to figure it out… You need a tool kit with three basic items… (Large sized band aids / one strip of prozac and one of asprin / and a box of tissues) the reason is because you will need the tissues to wipe your tears as you make over smart and uneducated guesses once you have invested your funds. The band aid will be to wrap on your forehead after you are done banging your head on your desk or door and the pain killers and mood stabilizers will be to prevent you going nuts and an excuse to justify to your family that you are actually insane now that you blew up their life savings…

The world of technology in Pakistan is a viciously ridiculous world with many verticals in it and in order to attain success on needs to establish a line of focus. There are those who dance around the idea of technology and its possibilities and then there are those who have the educated time tested ability to ensure that it can either be an extremely powerful tool to help any industry do very well. This I learnt from a select few people who I have the utmost respect for – lets talk of their achievements in another one of my ramblings…

Now this article is NAYATEL KI PURANI BAAT do you know why… The reason is that NAYATEL is actually a spin off an ISP which has withstood the test of time by providing quality services to the residents of Islamabad over a period of time… Yes it has had its hiccups and we all think that anyone in the tech world is a bit crazy and if they are from Pakistan the your perception is that of someone who is very over smart with the functions CTRL X and CTRL V and totally uneducated with respect to having any sensitivity to the consumers needs. But for Nayatel that is not true. It’s perception of Islamabad and its ability to provide niche market clients has made it a pioneer and even gotten Islamabad world recognition – something that world call tried for ages to do with Lahore and Karachi…

Nayatel has laid fiber across Islamabad thus being able to provide Fiber To The home facilities for the residents of Islamabad – but really the business clientele. This as we know in techie jargon is FTTH capabilities. Nayatel has long ago put Islamabad which is one of the selected few cities (less that 2 digit numbers here) on the map in being able to implement the true essence of high speeds on the internet and now triple play (voice . video & gaming and data services)

The really funny thing is that it’s CEO and one of its main architects is not one to be party hopping around as a social butterfly in Islamabad. He has a firm grip on reality and is a fantastic custodian of the power he wields in his constant effort to ensure that Islamabad can communicate efficiently. One more thing that I like about this man and his team is that they have justified their GIK education by ensuring that they place the right people to do the right job. There is a saying that if everyone likes you then you have a major problem with your personality and if everyone hates you then your famous… Humility and the Islamic way of doing business have taken precedence here as by maintaining an honest approach to meeting complaints I know that this establishment has an extremely loyal client base.

The one window approach to providing convenience comfort and by not being at the mercy of a line man has allowed our federal capital to be the chosen preferred choice for many people wanting to invest in technology from abroad. The reason this article was named what it is – is because when Pakistan was getting used to DSL Nayatel was millenniums ahead in laying out its plans and actually delivering them… If you are looking for an ISP provider – take a peek or have a chat with its CEO and maybe he could give you a solution… no it won’t be expensive and their coffee is great too!

Monday, September 13, 2010

MULTAN KI MATTEE

Amongst women from any class of society it is very well known that a certain “Multan Ki Mattee” is rich with certain properties that will enrich beauty, increase ones skins sustainability against the race of time and definitely rejuvenate ones skin. What properties this mud possess is only best known to those who have tried it as many women swear by it.

Today I am sitting at home and I realize that us Pakistani’s have this cultural trait where we delve into ridiculous witch hunts when we are bored. As of late with all the troubles brewing in our perfect haven we are even more perturbed as to how the world perceives our image. We usually are extremely emotional and almost always are victims of our own follies that unexpectedly occur when we succumb to what is a contradiction in our own religion. Vanity!

People say that many a war have been fought over women money and land and the great historians have always justified that Cesar of Rome was betrayed by Brutus for a woman, Hitler by his generals and that Mount Batten ran away from India when Nehru – well basically tried to mount his wife… My point is that us men are even more vain and conceited than any woman and whilst women have the ability to hide many an emotion we kind of tend to become obnoxious. If you don’t believe me then the next time you are at a function just watch the roving eye of any of your friends…

Our insecurities and vanity is what I feel has dragged our morale down, killed our optimism and confused our existing generation and left the next one wondering if life is really worth living in Pakistan. When I grew up in the early eighties it was amazing that if someone had the opportunity to be educated abroad then they were almost certain to return home to their motherland and try to do good. Today when a student pack’s his or her bag they ensure that if they are lucky enough to get a visa or admission abroad they buy a one way ticket and would rather clean the toilets of Heathrow or JFK or even find a way to run away somewhere in South Africa as long as they would not have to come back…

Pakistan I believe has had its own issues and as a melting pot which is over flowing with diversity we are extremely fortunate yet blind to the obvious. We scream about the crime rate we laugh at the obvious fact that we evade taxes and we love to pay homage in the form of bribes and special favors to anyone who will help us along the way… Till date I have not seen any one single important person or organization not do anything nice for a human being if that person could or would never be helpful to them.

The heading for this article is “Multan Ki Matti” and the purification of one’s image etc so let’s get back to that topic. For months now I have been observing this current regime which mind you we have chosen (freely elected) and when the celebrations were going on we danced and sang the night away thinking that we were invincible… We thought that this regime would entertain us in the Marriott’s of Pakistan and simply want to be very special bosom buddies with us. Bottom line we Pakistani’s thought that the Presidency would change its crest to that of a common thela where souls were for sale, leave alone land…

The pinch started when we realized in our emotional hangovers that hey this new found capitalism is not what we expected it to be and somehow some where someone is trying to do an honest job… Already spinning from the elated happiness that we are somehow immensely powerful our backsides began to hurt when we were asked to sit on a chair and do our jobs… The task was simple! Be honest God fearing citizens…

Today I am sad that a man who we chose to fight the fifteen rounds in this boxing match has never had anyone to throw the towel in for him. I’m talking about an exceptional choice that our president made for a foreign minister… Mr. Qureshi is an exceptionally well versed man as he has for one a degree that I am relieved to know is genuine and not hocked of the internet with a stolen credit card from a gas station… Further to add to this he is of an aristocratic cum feudal as well as oddly enough a spiritual background. I found it remarkable that we have a man who has a moderate lifestyle enjoys family values and has the ability to laugh at the odds and present positive solutions whilst fearing God. It’s quite weird as our past foreign ministers demanded their haq and often were running around looking kay kis ka kasur hai…

Multan Ki Mattee today is trying very hard to give Pakistan a facelift and ensure that our wrinkles are hidden but it saddens me to know that irrespective of whatever qualities this soil possesses the face of this nation will always let him down due to the sins mentioned above. The reality is that we have an extremely brilliant asset that wants to do something for the nation yet we offer him no support. The funny this is that we are a democracy and as the late pinky stated before we washed our hands off her that “Pakistan will survive…”these are words that rang through my ears when she was first elected… She also said “we will bring about a change”. Today what put her six feet under was our own selfish ability to survive and the only change we want is the increase in our bank balances.

My honest advice to the Foreign minister is to go skiing in Geneva, play Polo with the queen and start building his own sovereign empire because we as a nation of pirates will only ask him to do favors in exchange for empty promises… Before I end this note I would like to ask you two simple questions? When you praised our foreign minister was it because you were asking him to endorse you getting a foreign visa? Now that you’re upset at him and bad mouth him is it because reality hit you in the face as he tried to do his job?

If you really want to do something then do it. If you’re sending him out there to play an innings ensure that your three balls will not rock the world – democracy may be the best revenge but the basis of democracy is honesty!