Sunday, December 15, 2013
Before I begin I would like to introduce to you two women who gave me the utmost respect that a woman can give to a man. One who thought me worthy enough to change her last name & replace it with mine and trust me so much with the fact that I would take care of her and her future for the rest of her life and the second my mother who has loved me unconditionally through all the ridiculous idiocies that she has had to bear with through my life and then trust me enough as her little boy to endorse the fact that I am emotionally and mentally old enough to finally get married again in life. So proudly I would like to introduce you to Mrs. A. Ghulamali (Junior) & Mrs. A Ghulamali (Senior – Aboo’s wife & my mother)
These two Mrs. Ghulamalis are my best friends, my companions and my everything when I had nothing and felt like I was a nobody when my health and best friend deserted me and gave me the courage to have the self-respect to become anything that I desired whilst brushing aside their own fears. Ok now back to my ranting for today which is about 2nd chances!
When you travel in an air-plane before you take off a pretty air-hostess lifts up her arms and give a speech for 3 minutes over the intercom. Whilst you are looking for sweat patches in her armpits and trying to find a fault in that perfect hairdo and make up she mumbles about where the exits are in the case of an emergency (like at 36,000 feet you are seriously going to jump out of a plane if the sh*t hits the fan) then she tells you that in case you get gas from the menu how you can loosen the belt buckle then she tells you about the oxygen mask (and how many times I have wished it was filled with laughing gas)
Now this bit about the oxygen mask is so true because you have to read between the lines when she tells you to forget your kids and wife for the moment and put it on yourself. (Be selfish basically) Because if you can breathe and be conscious only then can you protect another life. Which makes sense because no point in making sure that your 3 year old can breathe and you die of asphyxiation.
This I applied to love! I became selfish and thought about only me and no one else because like you I was a fool and got married for all the wrong reasons once before to the right person who I respect so much for having deserted me in an ocean of self-pity and humiliation so that I was able to discover my true self. When I did and was able to walk again Allah stepped in and introduced me to a companion that today has married me for all the right reasons.
The reasons are simple and they are that we are the best of friends, we hate to love each other for what we are but love to hate the world for condemning us for who we were and still are today. We can talk for hours and hopefully this post will stand proof 25 years from today that we still value the respect trust and love that we earned from each other.
If you get married today or have gotten married then as the groom or the bride I feel sorry for you because everyone seems to have fun at your expense emotionally and no one seems to understand that it’s your special day. Both the Saas’s walk around with batman attitudes whilst the Father in laws sit with their cheque books and a Robin suit on throughout the entire façade ensuring that “izzat barbad na ho”. People in life will advise you exactly what to wear, say and do freely because they have the luxury of having a free meal and not bearing with the consequences of your actions for the future that you made by relying on their advice.
Bottom line the two of you are terrified because your freedom is about to get castrated and the world is going to celebrate the fact on a valima that a woman spent the most important night of her life with a stranger that her family approved of for all their right reasons whilst they strictly never allowed her to understand if she wanted to give herself freely to this idiosyncratic philosophy that she cannot and never will understand. The groom will pay for it in the form that this will be the most expensive night of sex because if he is from an old school thought he will pay in the form of righting the wrongful perceptions of his elders for life.
My advice for all those people who are divorced or plunging into the terrifying well of marriage for the first time and want a companion is that you should and must fall in love BUT WITH YOUR SELVES! Learn to unconditionally respect and accept your selves in the here and the now and make sure that you are and always will be OK irrespective of the fact of what life throws at you.
If you are going to be a Bride then understand and that the man who marries you will always be a man for you and not a boy when it comes to dealing with his and your insecurities and acknowledge that when you are asked to think 3 times before you sign your life away you actually weigh in all the terrible stuff about you know about that person and realize that you will learn a lot more that will be worse and can deal with him as an individual. Be honest to yourself and not the illusion of grandeur that the world who wants a free meal and a reason to party shows you. Make him know that you will be the reason for his success mentally and be the pillar of strength when he wants an emotional nipple to suckle on. Be honest to yourself.
If you are a groom then make sure that no matter how hard it gets you will NOT crack under the psychological pressure of listening to substance abuse, annoying relatives and most of all judging the mother of your children before you understand her. If you are in “love” then please note that to me the word love is an infatuation which through the contract of marriage turns into toleration forever and if you have the ability to tolerate and curb your own insecurities only then should you sign on the dotted lines. Getting married is extremely easy it’s the staying married part that is obnoxiously difficult. I know I failed at it once before.
Lastly guys please use common sense and your actual brains because I have seen too many of my friends tell me this line “she does not understand me and I can’t talk to her” whenever I hear this line which mostly all my friends who have had love marriages I instantly think to myself “Helooo isn’t this the same person that you fought for 5+ odd years to bring into your home because he / she was your soul mate and could not live without… now you spend the rest of your lives running away from her or him because she does not get you?”
Remember it takes two hands to clap so think carefully and wisely of what you want and be honest to yourself regarding your own abilities when it comes to making a choice for the rest of your life. But when you do choose a companion make sure you don’t settle for the skies when there are footprints on the moon because you as an individual are so worth it.
Be selfish be scared but be honest and be hopeful but whatever you do be in love for all the right reasons with the right person and Allah will do the rest!
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