Sunday, May 18, 2014
NOT SO PERFECT
NOT SO PERFECT
If you are thinking about adopting a child you need to read this! If you are an Adopted parent or child then you definitely need to read this!
People adopt a child because they feel that it will make up for a psychological or emotional imbalance that they have in their lives when it comes to parenting! A lot of people who do adopt a child have not had the luxury of being told the following few things! By the time they realize these few things it is too late because the imbalance has become a rocky, turbulent sea of emotional volatile problems that cannot be controlled!
FIRST let’s understand the fact that people who adopt a child will LOVE that child more than a birth parent would! The reason is that they have so many expectations of themselves and of that child that when they do not come true the feel very disappointed and guilt is a major factor they have to deal with all their lives! You see love turns to hate (mostly of one’s self because you cannot hate what you call a child)
To avoid any disappointments later parents that want to adopt are strongly advised to try to find out the origination of the child! At least to some extent one can be prepared for hereditary behavioral traits so that they don’t get surprises as parents claim. To simplify this before you get a puppy you want to know the nasal or the blood line or for that matter when a couple gets married these days it is very common to take blood tests for both the boy and the girl to know if there are any hidden diseases or DNA strands that would carry genetic ailments over. Oh yes nowadays pregnant moms also get tests done during pregnancy to find out if the fetus will have downs syndrome or not! So why not find out where your would be child will come for and prepare yourself before hand!
LEGALLY you need to protect yourself and your child because under Shariah or Islamic Law that child cannot be a mehrum and rights of succession including ancestral lineage is null and void. When you have adopted your child you MUST write out a living will and testament to show that out of free will and in sane mind you have protected your child’s future and this is a document that will act as force majeure in the case you have relatives come out of the wood works should you un expectedly die!
DEALING WITH AN ADOPTED CHILD you need to first sit down and drink a glass of water and calm down as your emotions will always be at a high when this child is involved! Rather than focusing on the child’s success you will struggle subconsciously to avoid failure yourself as a parent! Success or failure is defined by how you look at the world and what you set your boundaries to define for you! For one STOP comparing because it’s not about you and it’s about the child! Today more adopted children deal with it easily because society has un raveled the cocoon of hypocrisy to a huge extent! It is the progressive parents that refuse to stop clutching at the conservative strings of yesterday that often add to the problems and have their own issues of dealing with the fact that their child is adopted!
LOVE – With any child any amount of love bestowed is not enough! Just multiply that with infinity when it comes to dealing with an adopted child because you have to factor in the insecurities of the parents as well! When a child is born it may have inbred character traits but its behavior can and will change as it will only become what environment it grows up in! A child does not know hate and it learns to resent what it sees as a normal form of behavior! If you have an adopted child or are thinking of adopting one you need to understand that you first need to get a grip on the reality of your own insecurities in the here and the now before taking that step!
EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED – Not one of us is a prophet and none of us have the ability to predict what will happen or who will die next! As we all believe in some form of God we should have faith and confidence in our own upbringing and rather than focus on the negativity of what might happen we should use love and try to make the right things happen! One cannot and should not stereotype a child as it always happens because a child only becomes what the parents present to it as an environment in the first 5 (five years) of its life! Once a child learns something it cannot and will not unlearn it like you or me so we need to focus on what the child learns rather than spend an entire lifetime trying to get the spilt milk back in the glass and living with regret that will lead to some form of venomous behavior from within us parents!
UNCONDTIONAL LOVE – is what everyone needs! However we put a price tag on all our relationships and this can be in the form of a first position in class or a winning a swimming trophy! Frankly the kids don’t have issues… if you go to a sports day you will se the parents are the ones taking selfies with their iphones and the kids trophies! Guys come on it’s about the kids and not how well you have done as a parent so relax! Sadly this emotional piracy happens with parents who are the birth parents of their own kids but the Adopted parents take failure much harder!
WHAT WILL HAPPEN – Adopted children ALL of them are the best liars! The reason for this is that they have been raised in their formative years believing a lie about who their parents are! When they find out the truth it is the biggest set of problems and a definite game changer that will send an open and happy go lucky child into a never ending tunnel of insecurity that will force the child to lie to themselves! In doing so these children also witness the confused reactions of their own parents who themselves have not been prepared for the truth of this reaction so the child starts using the creative side of their brain to think up solutions for problems that should have NOT existed. Adopted children if lied to will become the most creative and convincing story tellers because in the formative years of their lying they need to convince themselves that they are ok! They hide their pain and further resentment faced by their parents for not being perfect so this does play its self out in aggressive or totally passive traits that might label the child as a sociopath!
FORGIVENESS – in order to adopt a child you need closure with your own internal issues! You need to clear the problems of not being able to conceive as parents and you need to complete support of your own securities and happiness! A child, any child is a symbol of love so if it landed in your lap you are the luckiest person because you did not have to go through the nine months of pain! However you need to balance your own sins and forgive yourself and just love yourself first before you love that child! The world was and is not a nice place an nobody will be nice to you so accept that and rather than trying to focus on raising the perfect child – focus on being the perfect parent! NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO neither the child nor the parent will never do it right no matter what! So accept that and learnt to forgive and most of all FORGET! At least you will be able to find closure to move on in life!
THE CURE – if you want to adopt a child or are a parent then you need to calm down! Rather than looking to shift any blame for what you tried to do as right one needs to realize that a child no matter what is an individual! Yes you need to learn how to deal with such problems BUT THERE IS NO PERFECT BOOK ON PARENTING! There never will be because each child is different and so is every parent! The best thing one can do is find a person or an audience to listen to them and come up with positive solutions as a group that will provide the nurturing environment for both the parent and the child right from the day they are handed to you from their mothers’ wombs!
Yes in case you are wondering I am an adopted child!
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