Saturday, June 28, 2014



It was 2004!  I knew it all (or thought so) and then had gotten a taste for the media profession!   In this time I had been a part of the Worldcall Karachi roll out, I was a Junoon roadie and had worked on the creation of the first reality show of Pakistan Sunsilk 21st Century Woman with a Pakistani / British film crew for Unilever through Mindshare and had an attitude where I needed to apply humility and intelligence! 

My ex boss somehow pulled me in for an interview into Continental Trade Towers (AKD’s Head Office) and told me I would be amazed!  On the ground floor were pathans selling kapra to any desi aunties who were better than Gulf but  could not afford a driver and avoided Aashiana and the building was trying desperately to start a mobile mall upstairs!

As I entered I was feeling awkward because he was a man I could not refuse and had never let me down so I was wondering how to get out of a boring interview.   The building was owned by AKD so it was a given that the boooooring element of stockbrokers and their boring pastel corporate not so exciting colors dominated the walls!  It was almost like walking down the hall of a funeral parlor!   Stuffed between gutka chewing traders who spoke so quickly that it would shame TuPac Shakur I made it to the desired floor!  The lift opened and finally able to breathe I made my way to the office of Post Amazers!  
(Actual Office Picture Of the Reception Area) 

As I opened the doors my eyes popped open and I think Karachi heard my jaw hitting the floor as the first thing I came across was the coolest reception at that time with the coolest ever pool table!  It felt like I had stepped from the conservative silence of a graveyard into a full blown midnight scene at the Ministry of sound in London!   For 30 seconds I absorbed the coolness of the place and then thought that I was in an underground Russian mobsters lair in a movie or I must have died as my mind was paying tricks on me!  This was Post Amazers!  It had such a wow factor to it that even the likes of me was stunned!  

 I was given the usual tour and told about the projects they worked on in Animations like “Son of the Mask” (totally cool) and also Exhorcist (really awesome) I was so pumped full of creative adrenalin that I almost had a heart attack! 
I then met its CEO and guess what he was very young!  Mr. Asif Iqbal!   And sadly the opposite of what I expected someone to be!  To a guy like me he was totally serious! (booooring or I thought so as Post Amazers gave that impression that you would meet a CEO who was as crazy as the ambience)  

I found Asif Iqbal to be so dry after all the excitement that I wanted to run away!  But the place as a drug and I stayed!   All I could think of at that time was the amount of chicks who would totally dig my new office!  

I am really glad I stayed that day because I did not spend a lot of time there but I learnt so much about technology and how to use it to create a world for those who had no dreams that the experience left me to this date grateful to Asif Bhai for reluctantly allowing me to be a part of the organization for a while!

Every castle has a king and in the empire of Pakistani animation Asif Iqbal is an Emperor…  he does not come from a background where daddy’s wallet funded the existing empire he rules!   Asif Iqbal is the richest man today because his wealth is a reputation of delivering the best quality internationally, on time and honestly for over two decades!  

The CEO behind the team that made Commander Safeguard a household name and made us hate Kachra Rani and made ur kids snicker at Dirtoo Asif Iqbal is a ledgend in Pakistan which a lot of people do not know about because he is actually a very simple man! 
 There is a saying that naya paisa shouts in the press but wealth whispers and Asif Iqbal’s immense wealth of respect and fortune is one that needs to be recognized!   Over the years through the TWO companies that he has ever worked for Asif Bhai has fed hundreds of families through their children who they gave up on because Animation is not something one looks highly at when considering a rishta for your daughter!  
His team members have gotten international fame and even won Oscars because what he created was an institution of learning and training in a field that is not even considered to be profession in Pakistan!   Asif has travelled the globe and been a part of many Hollywood productions with his teams (on the actual sets) and is on a first name basis with so many international Celebrities and Directors and Producers because he is very simple!  Oddly enough they seem to adore his down to earth bluntness and aversion to politics and respect the value he adds by providing solutions that sometimes even the west cannot understand but work and win Oscars & Awards!  
Today he is and has been for the past 6 years the CEO of ICE Animations!  Whilst Pakistan is busy bickering over censorship laws and PEMRA issues Mr. Asif Iqbal and his team are delivering work o the west on time and giving our nation a positive name where Animations and Special Effects are considered!  The man in question is not a force to be reckoned with as he is living proof that if you work honestly, do not lie and are also honest to your self then the west will overlook your ethnicity, religion and citizenship and give you business.  

The entire BPO world failed Exporting software to the west is almost not hear of and when it comes to Animations and Hollywood special effects you would laugh if I told you that a Pakistani home grown company with Islamic values is doing such a fantastic job and is well known in the halls of Warner Brothers, board rooms of Miramax & and coffee table talk in the parking lots of Pixar!  

You should actually check out ICE Animations and see their work…  You might just want to give up your boring job behind the desk at the bank and join Asif Bhai in a world of really special effects and a reality that one can only consider an unheard of dream in Pakistan if you are considering Animations or Special effects as a career!   

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Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!  

Thursday, June 26, 2014


Here are a few tips for single and most women that will help them get out a situation better than their attacker (s) …  
If you like this blog post do share it and help other women around you as well!

Make sure you place 3 – 4 stickers like below around your apartment on your floor and invest in 300 rupee fake cameras.  Multiple cameras mean multiple records and people will avoid your door for the fear of being caught on tape!  
 A brinks sticker like the one below would also help on your door!

When you are alone in your house, and a person breaks in to rob you or you feel unsafe run into the kitchen.  That is your castle and if men believe that women belong in the kitchen then prove them right!  You alone know where the chili powder and turmeric are kept so grab those first and take fist fulls of any and all spices and rub them in the eyes and face of your would be attacker.  Also let them fall all over the floor! 

NO do not go for the knives… grab any and all glass items and start smashing them on the floor around your blinded attacker…  then push him so he falls on all the glass and then start kicking him so that he has to roll on it and cut him self even more.  Now the spices that fell on the floor will mix with his blood and he will be in extreme agony!
If you have Kerosene or Matti Ka Tel splash that on the intruder and set him ablaze!  If the guy is still not down then grab a knife because he will not be able to see you and hold is blade down (not like you use it for dinner)and start stabbing him quickly and rapidly after 10 or fifteen short stabs (the objective is to maim him and NOT get yourself into a murder charge) then run away.  

Areas to stab your attacker are the top of his feet and his calf muscle just above the ankle small of his back either side or his shoulders (missing vital organs thus causing immense pain and minimal bleeding) Then run away as fast as you can onto the street and make as much noise as you can!

You have landed in a city you do not know or abroad! If you need to get into a cab at any time of the day, whip out your cellphone and text his id and tag to people you know with the time you have gotten into the cab or car!  Then use the mobile to call your family or friend and pass on the details to them in the language the driver understands. Even if no one answers your call, the still text and put your phone on silent and pretend you are in a conversation loudly giving the details of the cab and the driver. The driver now knows someone has his details and he will be in serious trouble if anything goes wrong. He is now bound to take you home safe and sound. A potential attacker is now your DE fact o protector!
If the driver turns into a street he is not supposed to – and you feel you are entering a danger zone? Use your belt strap or the handle of your purse or your stole (dupatta) to wrap around his neck and pull him back really hard. Within seconds, he will react by slamming the brakes and feel choked and helpless. In case you don’t have a purse or stole just pull him back by his collar. The top button of his shirt would then do the same trick.

From the mall if you are walking to your car and are being stalked or followed then enter a shop or a house and explain your predicament. If it is very late at night and shops are not open, go inside an ATM box. ATM centers always have security guards. They are also monitored by close circuit television.  Fearing identification, no one will dare attack you.

Now if none of those are available makes sure you have a car alarm that you can trip and make a lot of noise to attract attention and start screaming!  Attackers hate noise and 80% of the times run away!

In unfamiliar surroundings like an apartment park garage if you are a woman and find yourself entering alone into an elevator and a man you do not know comes in and you feel uncomfortable then you should press every floor till the one you have to go to because no one will dare attack you in a lift that stops on every floor.

1.     HAIR SPRAY – make sure you carry hairspray as that is very irritating to the eyes and you can spray it in the eyes of any attacker to blind them temporarily!
2.     LIGHTER – After blinding them use the lighter to ignite the spray and burn their faces!
3.     SANITARY NAPKIN BAGS – Pakistani women do not generally use Tampons so make sure the bag you carry your emergency sanitary napkin in is thick strong and big!  You should open it and wrap it around the head of the attacker who is now blinded and burned if he is still coming after you and then suffocate him to unconsciousness NOT death!
4.     NAIL FILES / SCISSORS - Even if that does not stop him then carry thick steel sharp nail files or scissors to finish the job for you and do not stab him deep just multiple times making atleast 20 gashes all over him!
5.     NAIL POLISH REMOVER – This is acetone highly irritating to the skin and extremely flammable so if attacked spray your attacker with the nail polish remover, use the lighter to set him on fire and then run away!
6.     HOUSE KEYS / CAR KEYS – if an attacker grabs you and is hugging you use the keys to gouge him in his eyes. Do not punch elbow and knee your way to being released whilst gouging his eyes more and then running away!
7.     MOBILE SMART PHONES –set your mobile phone or ask your husband to engage ICE in it (In Case Of Emergency) – This should be an emergency code that will text your GPS location with pictures to 50 contacts and that you are in trouble! This softare is found on the web and can also be used for people who have medical conditions where they might require emergency medical help!  Apple Iphone 5s and Samsung Galaxy S5 have these built in features as well!
8.     STUN GUNS – Aghas in Karachi or any arms dealer can get you electric stun guns (they cost anywhere from 15000 rupees to 25000 rupees and are like a mobile phone!  All you need to do is keep it charged and tazer your attacker in his crotch and then his chest (Twice) it would be so painful that the man would not come near you again!

You should start screaming as loud as you can!  Remember that noise is the greatest enemy of a molester thief or attacker. But here’s what you should scream!
FIRE HELP! (AAG BACHAO) – In neighborhoods people are so scared to be involved in anything involving the law that they do not hear the cries of a woman in distress even if they want to! So if you scream fire then people will definitely come out to protect their own homes and families!  It’s a selfish world so take full advantage of it!  NO need to cry Chor or Rape as no one would really bother for the fear of their own safety!

Being mentally alert is the greatest weapon you have! 

If you like this blog post do share it and help other women around you as well! 

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Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write! 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014



Us Pakistani’s simply get turned on by anything vilaiti!  As long as the “Made in” logo carry’s a flag with any other color than green we simply feel it is awesome!  Our politicians seem to believe in a religion known as confusionism because they condemn idol worship yet they drop on their knees praying to any diplomat that gets of a plane from the west! 

If you look at society and the haughty taughty aunties with falsies running around the elite clubs of any city a common structure you will see within the food chain is that the most ignored vulgar and obnoxious churail that is now just an inconvenient concubine for her husband is the one at the top of the food chain because he has so called secured her with a passport that is NOT green!  The only time these witches get any form of recognition is when they wed off their off spring to suitable matches and those to are the ones with foreign passports!  Your average LUMs graduate is not good enough as after working for 10 years his 300k a month salary just barely allows him to avoid a lifetime of debt should he have married a girl not from the elite class!

So politically we have a fluctuating price tag that we pass off onto our children when we barter the dowry and Haq Meher in the form of what rishta is convenient and love is just something that two people who have not known each other are supposed to fall in after the Disco Molvi has said the couples last rights to freedom!  Bottom line we are all trapped by our own ridiculous itch to feed the heroinchi bug or sin of greed because if you are from AAAAAAMREEKA or the YOUKAY your farts don’t smell that much (yeah right!!)

Foreign connections and diplomacy is not something Pakistan has ever been able to digest without the Military helping the parliament in the form of an enema every few years or so!  We as a nation have so many issues yet we allow ourselves to be bullied by people who live in the west because they cannot hack it here and yet seem to have a solution for all our problems!  No matter what you say the entire country is in a situation where a newly married couple have moved into an apartment building and somehow that one desi aunty with a jharoo keeps coming around regularly like Aunty Zubaida with her unwanted totkas!

Sadly the emotional awaam always fall for the silly promises of a lap of luxury and are left with no roti when their children are hungry no kapra when the Punjab cold bites into their children and definitely no makaan in the way that they live on the roads.  Our politicians force our masses to commit crimes by making sure that out of 365 day of the year the entire country if lucky will only work for 80 odd days thus making it impossible for anyone to earn a living in a halal form!

What irritates me is that each and every politician loves to strain on their bitch collar and taunt their submissive role to the west dressed up in tight leathers yet claim to be the most pious of the lot!  Each of these Peers and their babbling goon squads do not have a grip on the reality of the here and the now faced by the awaam as they fly or call or tweet in to the country not realizing what damage they are further doing!  When their nuisance value has reached a high these idiots bend over grab their ankles (foreign passports) and conveniently fly out leaving the awaam with false promises of going to some form of heaven they will never be allowed in. 

What is utterly sad is that these cretins all talk about going to heaven BUT NOT ONE OF THEM IS READY TO DIE!  Common sense will tell you that when Qayamat will come (and it will) these fools will still believe that they will outlive that too! 

Pakistan was formed for the Muslim people and by the Muslim people and its constitution is of the Muslim people!  So why do we run to the west to solve our problems!  Each and every bit of nuisance value that has affected our ability to earn an income is justified as an act of aggression from external factors!  Ok! That may be true BUT the internal executioners of these western interests are our own people who ran away!

If you live in any strata of society you will see how these hypocrites get off a plane and start bitching about the dirt and trash on the roads.  By the time they reach home they complain about the load shedding! And when they go to and modern mall they seem to have eaten, seen drank or F*cked something better!  These are the same losers who will make it a point to be so obnoxious that they will spit paan on white walls throw their slims wrappers all over a clean area and mock how everything is wrong and always state that they cannot wait to go “home” (abroad)

Now when its time to go they stuff their suitcases with slims chilli chips, atleast 10 boxes of rasili supari and any and everything they get their paws on at hyperstar that says “Shan: Masala!  Oh yes if its one of “those” important aunties she will also cram in 300 joras of Awesome Jofa to wear (actually sell from her 7eleven in Brooklyn)  These obnoxious relatives (be it politicians or family) whilst leaving the home will gift their cheap already used Walmart crap to their hosts expecting them to be grateful for the parting gifts (when in actuality there is a huge relief party planned by the hosts the minute their aircraft leaves the ground)

It does not end there!  The minute these ungrateful Pakistani Traitors who completely bitched about how bad it was and painful it was to have visited here touch Dubai or any midway destination they completely stand in line with their foreign passports and behave themselves as the shurta thakes their shirts off and asks if their passports are real or fraudulent because they are westward bound!  Even the most influential desi churail knows she will get a good long colonoscopy should she take her wretched Pakistani husbands name so she becomes the most loveable gremlin ever!

It ends when these ABCD’s (American Born Confused Desi’s) clear immigration because all of a sudden they become “Truly Patriotic Pakistani’s” who know how to solve the country’s problems now that they are safe behind the counter at their Amoco Gas Station!

You can run away on the fastest motorcycle but you cannot hide behind a maple leaf nor can you deny the fact that the red white and blue influence the entire white crescent and moon but you can realize that as a nation YOU HAVE GOT TO STOP BEATING EACH other over these paindus who show up every now and again to only benefit in some form or another at the tax payers cost!  

It takes two hands to clap, so if one hand wants to clap (foreign relations) do we need to be the other hand to make it clap so loudly?  The media can help by stopping the dramatization of something so ridiculous that it goes beyond common sense!  The people can help by focusing on keeping their businesses open to feed their starving children!  The Army can help by administering another enema to the Parliament as the flatulence is beginning to smell way too much!

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Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write! 



This blog post is an opinion based upon actual conversations, social media posts and behaviour traits that I have witnessed over the past seven odd days by the “people’s of Karachi!”  The opinions and suggestions presented here are based upon not only common sense but on the lines of immense respect for our beloved Prophet Hazrat Muhammad (PBUH) and the way that he spent Ramadan!  This is not your colourful rendition or a Dr. Aamir Liaqat version where you win a blender at the end of thirty days!  This is something if you read it correctly and decipher it properly, could help you become a better person!  

Now we all know that Ramadan is coming so all our religious lessons and righteousness should tell us that we need to prepare our selves for a month ahead that will cleanse our souls and help us attain a higher plateau where our conscience is concerned!   In the month of Ramadan we should be peaceful, calm cool and collected!  Guess what!  NOT TRUE!   

This year according to a lot of people this spiritual month has inconveniently come at the time of Summer Holidays and that too when the summers will refuse to be kind to anyone!  Traditionally if one observes our own behaviour it goes without saying that the first 10 days of this holy month are when the most amount of road rage happens because people do not fast properly! 

A lot of the road rage that happens is because people love unhealthy mid night deals and tons of pakoras and samosas and everything unhealthy when they should be eating right!   Due to forced hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar) people are extremely irate and lash out at others unknowingly!  Even the most loveable Daadi Jaan becomes a world class churail when she does not get her way and the bijli goes!

When you fast you need to understand that it is not about starving your self!  The basic fundamentals of Islam do not allow one to torture themselves so starvation is just simply ridiculous!  One needs to “abstain” (NOT starve) from certain gifts of Allah that we take for granted such as food and water to know the reality of the fundamentals of the pillars of Islam!   In order to abstain or fast properly the most important element that you need to look after is your body and its medical condition! 
Yes you need to have a proper diet that is very balanced!  Gobbling down soft drinks and mass quantities of unhealthy fried items only add to the medical complexities that one has to face as the human body goes from one extreme to another!  

Most heart attacks occur during Ramadan because us humans ingest an entire two years worth of carbohydrates and sugar within these 30 odd days that arteries clog, belts become tight and people need to refit and loosen clothes because after their orgies of food they simply pass out and snooze and do no physical activity after they are elated with happiness due to having participated in an orgy of eating and drinking! 
Not only should you eat right you need to move around to get all those goodies moving in your gastric chamber before they come out in an aerated form thus making you complain that you broke your Wudu!  Don’t laugh!  This is very serious, as shorter workdays enable you to have an excuse to sleep and believe the lies you tell yourself that you are tired and fatigued!  This lack of movement makes the food just clog up your intestines and when it cannot be broken down any further it gives you an immense amount of not only flatulence but severe gastric cramps! 

The human body is a fantastic creation of Allah where it conditions its self to undergo the harshest of conditions!  This conditioning comes from the mind and if you condition yourself mentally that you are NOT doing the world or anyone a favor by fasting then you are a true Muslim!  In the days when the world was blessed with the physical presence of Hazrat Muhammad (PBUH) as he walked this earth, him and his favorites fasted under the harsher conditions than we do today (we have air conditioning & cars which did not exist at that time) and they set an example by showing humility in the truest of forms!  If you set your mind to it and plan your Ramadan out then this month will bring you blessings in ways you cannot imagine as not only does one condition the mind but that conditioning of performing normal daily tasks also enables one to attain excellent time management skills and  discipline that can not only help you in your personal but professional life as well! 
If you truly want to fast then you should do so without depending upon people or taking them for granted!  As you have shorter work hours you should not look at the clock as to when you can run home to hop into bed and pass out till 10 minutes before the Azaan and then down 25 glasses of Rooh Afza and an entire kilo of jalebi’s!  Make the best of this time to set your matters right and try to add as much value as you can simply focus on getting the maximum amount of work done! 
After work when you head home and now that you have time sort out those issues you put on the back burner for the past 11 months and be productive!  Make your Roza into something whereby you are actually satisfied that you have added value to your family and life rather than being a log on a bed and a waste of space for the next 4 odd hours until Iftar!  Ramadan is the best excuse to get a lot of things done that are time consuming and you put off rather than making it an excuse to tell the world you are simply too tired! 
The first seven days are supposedly the worst for your body as it conditions its self to go through the next three weeks!  In these first seven days make sure that you drink an immense amount of water (more than you would consume in your daily average) as the initial excessive urination will happen but that is exactly what your body needs to do to flush out all the toxins that have built up over the past eleven months of abuse you put it through!  (carbonated artificial and sugar loaded drinks & juices do not classify as safe)  You need to consume an immense amount of water between Iftar and Sehri and ensure that you do not ingest toxins of caffeine willingly (avoid it where you can) as they themselves create other problems related to body hydration matters! 
Further to this you should always eat planned meals and ensure you have a very balanced diet!  Forget what Zubaida Aapa is selling on television as she really wants to justify the money she is getting paid to make an idiot out of every woman who aspires to be a Master Chef!  

Ensure the food that you buy is wholesome and not pre packaged and does not contain preservatives, rather the food you eats should contain a lot of protein (for strength) and fiber (to help bowel movements).  Ramadan is a fantastic time to have evening BBQ’s for the entire family!  
It is simply too expensive not only on your body and health but on your wallet when you run around trying to please the likes of fast food chains that try to get you blow your entire pay check on the element of a SIN!  Yes greed!  

All fast food outlets hammer deals that cater to one of the deadly sins known as greed and in this case it is true!  We fall for unhealthy deals and they are not only expensive on our wallets but the entire body as it suffers immensely when we abuse it with bad quality food! 
Families like to spend the month of Ramadan coming closer together as they usually eat together so it is advisable that during Ramadan you take full advantage of the fact that you break down all those invisible barriers and boundaries within your family and start talking to each other and forgiving past mistakes!  This conditioning of your mind over the Iftar table can help you resolve a lot of those saas and bahu issues that you do not have time to address other wise because time does not allow you to do so! 
Ramadan is not so serious at all!  Ramadan is all about fun as well!  If you look at these thirty days in a positive way there are so many activities that you can do during Ramadan that you will actually miss the honesty of emotions displayed by your actions that you will forcibly display trying to go to Jannah during these thirty days because for the rest of the months until Ramadan comes again you will be at the mercy of social and corporate and emotional politics of sin!   This year actually celebrate your freedom from sin by going out with your families and loved ones and have a great time!  Our cities are beautiful at night and the weather is awesome so enjoy your selves as an entire family and come together as one! 
One last request!  If you don’t mean it…  Don’t say it!   Every time, every Eid we are forced to meet “those” relatives whom we only meet or see when we welcome someone into this world or celebrate that day or when six gaz of lattha is required!   Every Eid we make promises to come closer and meet the next day after the Eid Feast and that never happens!  This year make a difference!  You drive the change and make an effort with the family as Ramadan is all about Islam and Islam is all about “family”.  We are all Allah’s most favourite creations… so we are all ONE family!

Have a blessed, healthy & safe Ramadan!  By the way I am so totally free for any Iftar parties if you are treating! 

If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
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Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!