NOT SO PERFECT
If you are thinking about adopting a child you need to read
this! If you are an Adopted parent or
child then you definitely need to read this!
People adopt a child because they feel that it will make up
for a psychological or emotional imbalance that they have in their lives when
it comes to parenting! A lot of people
who do adopt a child have not had the luxury of being told the following few
things! By the time they realize these
few things it is too late because the imbalance has become a rocky, turbulent
sea of emotional volatile problems that cannot be controlled!
FIRST let’s understand the fact that people who adopt a
child will LOVE that child more than a birth parent would! The reason is that
they have so many expectations of themselves and of that child that when they
do not come true the feel very disappointed and guilt is a major factor they
have to deal with all their lives! You
see love turns to hate (mostly of one’s self because you cannot hate what you
call a child)
To avoid any disappointments later parents that want to
adopt are strongly advised to try to find out the origination of the
child! At least to some extent one can
be prepared for hereditary behavioral traits so that they don’t get surprises as
parents claim. To simplify this before
you get a puppy you want to know the nasal or the blood line or for that matter
when a couple gets married these days it is very common to take blood tests for
both the boy and the girl to know if there are any hidden diseases or DNA strands
that would carry genetic ailments over.
Oh yes nowadays pregnant moms also get tests done during pregnancy to
find out if the fetus will have downs syndrome or not! So why not find out where your would be child
will come for and prepare yourself before hand!
LEGALLY you need to protect yourself and your child because
under Shariah or Islamic Law that child cannot be a mehrum and rights of
succession including ancestral lineage is null and void. When you have adopted your child you MUST
write out a living will and testament to show that out of free will and in sane
mind you have protected your child’s future and this is a document that will act
as force majeure in the case you have relatives come out of the wood works should
you un expectedly die!
DEALING WITH AN ADOPTED CHILD you need to first sit down and
drink a glass of water and calm down as your emotions will always be at a high
when this child is involved! Rather than focusing on the child’s success you
will struggle subconsciously to avoid failure yourself as a parent! Success or failure is defined by how you look
at the world and what you set your boundaries to define for you! For one STOP
comparing because it’s not about you and it’s about the child! Today more adopted children deal with it
easily because society has un raveled the cocoon of hypocrisy to a huge
extent! It is the progressive parents
that refuse to stop clutching at the conservative strings of yesterday that
often add to the problems and have their own issues of dealing with the fact
that their child is adopted!
LOVE – With any child any amount of love bestowed is not
enough! Just multiply that with infinity when it comes to dealing with an
adopted child because you have to factor in the insecurities of the parents as
well! When a child is born it may have
inbred character traits but its behavior can and will change as it will only
become what environment it grows up in!
A child does not know hate and it learns to resent what it sees as a
normal form of behavior! If you have an
adopted child or are thinking of adopting one you need to understand that you
first need to get a grip on the reality of your own insecurities in the here
and the now before taking that step!
EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED – Not one of us is a prophet and none of
us have the ability to predict what will happen or who will die next! As we all believe in some form of God we
should have faith and confidence in our own upbringing and rather than focus on
the negativity of what might happen we should use love and try to make the
right things happen! One cannot and
should not stereotype a child as it always happens because a child only becomes
what the parents present to it as an environment in the first 5 (five years) of
its life! Once a child learns something
it cannot and will not unlearn it like you or me so we need to focus on what
the child learns rather than spend an entire lifetime trying to get the spilt
milk back in the glass and living with regret that will lead to some form of venomous
behavior from within us parents!
UNCONDTIONAL LOVE – is what everyone needs! However we put a price tag on all our
relationships and this can be in the form of a first position in class or a
winning a swimming trophy! Frankly the
kids don’t have issues… if you go to a sports day you will se the parents are
the ones taking selfies with their iphones and the kids trophies! Guys come on it’s about the kids and not how
well you have done as a parent so relax! Sadly this emotional piracy happens with
parents who are the birth parents of their own kids but the Adopted parents
take failure much harder!
WHAT WILL HAPPEN – Adopted children ALL of them are the best
liars! The reason for this is that they
have been raised in their formative years believing a lie about who their
parents are! When they find out the truth it is the biggest set of problems and
a definite game changer that will send an open and happy go lucky child into a
never ending tunnel of insecurity that will force the child to lie to
themselves! In doing so these children
also witness the confused reactions of their own parents who themselves have
not been prepared for the truth of this reaction so the child starts using the
creative side of their brain to think up solutions for problems that should
have NOT existed. Adopted children if
lied to will become the most creative and convincing story tellers because in
the formative years of their lying they need to convince themselves that they
are ok! They hide their pain and further
resentment faced by their parents for not being perfect so this does play its
self out in aggressive or totally passive traits that might label the child as
a sociopath!
FORGIVENESS – in order to adopt a child you need closure
with your own internal issues! You need
to clear the problems of not being able to conceive as parents and you need to
complete support of your own securities and happiness! A child, any child is a symbol of love so if
it landed in your lap you are the luckiest person because you did not have to
go through the nine months of pain! However
you need to balance your own sins and forgive yourself and just love yourself
first before you love that child! The
world was and is not a nice place an nobody will be nice to you so accept that
and rather than trying to focus on raising the perfect child – focus on being
the perfect parent! NO MATTER WHAT YOU
DO neither the child nor the parent will never do it right no matter what! So accept that and learnt to forgive and most
of all FORGET! At least you will be able
to find closure to move on in life!
THE CURE – if you want to adopt a child or are a parent then
you need to calm down! Rather than looking to shift any blame for what you
tried to do as right one needs to realize that a child no matter what is an
individual! Yes you need to learn how to
deal with such problems BUT THERE IS NO PERFECT BOOK ON PARENTING! There never will be because each child is
different and so is every parent! The
best thing one can do is find a person or an audience to listen to them and
come up with positive solutions as a group that will provide the nurturing
environment for both the parent and the child right from the day they are
handed to you from their mothers’ wombs!
Yes in case you are wondering I am an adopted child!
If you need to contact me
or wish to befriend me then please...
If you would like to contact me for a free consultation, please directly email me at - amyn@ghulamalis.com
Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to
hurt or offend you! If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought
then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.
If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously
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