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Saturday, May 2, 2015

2015 RAMADAN SURVIVAL GUIDE


2015 RAMADAN SURVIVAL GUIDE

Ramadan is the time of the year that ALL Muslims undergo a test of many things which include (but are not limited to) cleanliness, patience,  perseverance and bottom line the end result is supposed to be a cleansing of the soul, mind and body amongst other things all Islamic.

Being Pakistani’s Allah really tests us immensely during this month.  (Just for humors sake we have to deal with the likes of Aamir Liaqat for a whole month who hi jacks the TV and our mindless women and will do anything for ratings under a holy guise!)   On a serious note it is true because we as Pakistani’s will have to survive these thirty odd days under the hottest and most severe weather between Mid-June & Early July when not only all the forces of nature work very hard to ensure that Pakistan is a pressure cooker temperature wise but our main civic amenities always fail us and electricity and water for human consumption all of a sudden become scarce.
Here is a guide to help you remain not only comfortable but help you save money if you act proactively!  If you follow my tips based upon common sense you will realize that they actually do work and have been tried and tested!  So let’s start!

  1. ELECTRICITY MATTERS & VEHICLES – Before Ramadan starts (at least 10 days or so before)
a.       House Hold Appliances – In Ramadan working hours are short and almost nonexistent for the first 10 days so if you think you are doing the world a favor by fasting then so will all your AC walas and fridge walas and you won’t find any one you will need.  So make sure you get everything serviced and checked well before Ramadan to avoid a crisis in the house where the family will ultimately take it out on you!  This should cost you about 2,000 rupees to get everything checked including your fuses in the house and get the numbers of a few repairmen that will come handy when you need them the most!
b.      Generators & UPS’s – Do yourself a favor and invest in a sold steel or metal Jerry Can (30 liters) and make sure that you fill this up with the desired fuel that your generator uses.  Keep this is as a backup only and do not use it for daily use age because if there is a fuel shortage which always happens during Ramadan then it will come handy.  Also get your UPS serviced if you have one and re-charge the battery and have its acid level or gravity checked!  
c.       VEHICLES – Do the same for your mode of transport specially the AC if you have a car – get it serviced 10 days before Ramadan
  1. WATER - Before Ramadan starts (at least 10 days or so before)
a.       Extra Storage of Daily Use Water – It would not hurt you to get a drum of 200 liters (doesn’t cost much and have a small tap attached to it in case the city runs short of water.  If you can afford it get a 500 liter extra tank installed as it is a great investment to have.  Now if you do that these things make sure they are cleaned out as tanks build up sediment that can cause other problems.
b.      Back Up of Drinking Water – Make sure you invest in extra Mineral water (at least one 20 liter canister for every two people) and keep that as a reserve in the case that there is trouble in the city and you cannot go out!  People consume an immense amount of water during Ramadan and you are supposed to keep yourself hydrated during non-fasting hours!
  1. WHAT TO EAT – TAKE THIS VERY SERIOUSLY
During Ramadan your body, your metabolism and entire immune system go through a shock because even though you are fasting, medically you are depriving it of the basic amenities. What you need to do is think smart and apply logic to everything regarding your health and or what you ingest.  Bottom line if you put crap fuel into your car eventually it will shut down.. The same logic applies here where if you put unhealthy foods into your system eventually you will get sick!
a.       Eating At Home – In Ramadan make sure you try to avoid carbohydrates and fried fatty foods.  Us Pakistanis think that we are fasting yet eat a truck load of Pakora’s and wash them down with Pepsi for 30 days and then freak out that we gained 12 inches on our waists and 40 pounds on the scale!  Eat foods with natural sugars like fresh seasonal fruits and have lots of yogurt that is not acidic rather alkaline which will counter an effects of indigestion or what we know to be bad hazmi.  Do not play with your sugar levels by drinking up lots of cola’s as nothing is or can be substituted for water.
b.      Eating Out – try to avoid eating out as not only is it expensive on your wallet but no matter who it is will not care about the quality of the food they make as their focus is on making the biggest buck. So if you can avoid it eat homemade foods.
In Ramadan we have the most cases of gastric problems, sugar problems and renal issues as people refuse to apply common sense when it comes to what they eat!
  1. SHOPPING FOR RAMADAN – WHAT YOU MUST GET
Here are a few things you need and MUST have BEFORE Ramadan starts.  Make sure that you shop at least 15 days in advance as all the rates will go up for all items as shop keepers know that for the first 15 days they are not making any money.  All the things suggested are nonperishable and will help you and your family in some way or another.
a.       ENO FRUIT SALTS
b.      GLUCOSE D
c.       HAJMOOLA
d.      ISPHAGHOL
e.      ASPRIN – it also helps with heart attack treatments OR if you are allergic then Paracetamol or Disprin
f.        ALKA SELTZER OR AN ANTI ACID
  1. SAFETY AND SECURITY MATTERS
Just because you are charitable and fasting does not mean the rest of Pakistan has the same intentions.  Pakistan shows an immense amount of crime during this period as people take advantage of you when you least expect it.  Here are a few tips that will help you in some way or another.
a.       MOBILE PHONES – Buy an extra charger for the car or home or office.  Nothing hurts more when your battery is dead and you need to call someone when you are in trouble – if you do not want to be in trouble avoid using your phone in public or in a traffic jam and use main roads at all times that are very populated. Also make sure you have paid your bills or have an extra hundred rupees balance so you can make that emergency call (and I don’t mean to a bachi that you will be late for an iftar party)  
b.      ZAKAT & BANKING MATTERS – All banks will deduct Zakat on the day before Ramadan so make sure you have concluded your matters a week before this time.  If you need to withdraw money make sure you do not take out cash rather a bank cheque! – AND FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T TELL ANYONE OR TWEET AND TEXT ABOUT IT!
c.       ATMS – Use these during banking hours when the guards are awake and the bank areas are populated. Avoid ATM’s at night or during hours of iftar or sehri.  It is best to use the debit card facility so that you carry no paper money.
d.      HELPING PEOPLE – Ramadan is all about helping people and last year a lot of people specially women knocked at gates or door during iftar or sehri or even during the day asking for help or water. When people tried to help their homes got robbed.  If this happens to you and you do not know the person. Make them wait at the gate or outside your door and then lock your gate with them outside and then get them the water. DO NOT LET THEM IN OR LEAVE YOUR GATES / DOORS OPEN AS YOUR CHARITY WITHOUT COMMON SENSE could leave you as the victim of a dacoity as a lot of people to which the same happened last year.
e.      ROAD RAGE – No matter how right you are and how low your sugar is or how high your BP is – the same goes for everyone looking to fast track their path to heaven just like you so leave things alone when and if they bother you on the road.  Do NOT fight because you could get fatally hurt and hospitals and doctors might not be at hand and if you wind up in a thana then you just lost 4 days of your life due to your own emotional stupidity. (It takes two hands to clap)  So look the other way and live and let live!
f.        LISTS OF CONTACTS – make sure you make a list on your phone in the address book and share it with your family in a printed form that contains
1.       Doctors & Hospitals
2.       Ambulances
3.       Electricians AC walas, mechanics & plumbers (multiple contacts always help)  

Other than that I hope you have a great Ramadan and your fasting brings you and your family one step closer to Jannah.  Please say a prayer for everyone around you & me and my family too!

ON A LIGHTER & HUMOROUS NOTE – DO NOT TAKE THESE POINTS BELOW SERIOUSLY
  1. Maintain a big distance between you and that desi burger aunty around iftar time – you may have been fasting BUT you never know how that shareef cutie could react and possibly become a kuttee when it comes to you taking the last pakora or jalaibee on the iftar Buffet table
  2. Make sure you sit miles away from anyone at the iftar table who has a plate that has so much food on it that it that depicts the burj khalifa because – over eating leads to…. You guessed it farting and / or burping. If you have to sit with such a person make sure you have ear and nose plugs (you can find them at any sports shop)
  3. If the talk at the iftar table is boring then look around for those “couples” out on a group college or school iftar.  Iftar is an amazing time to catch embarrassed daters.  Funny thing none of these people will take selfies during this because pakray gayay to iftar (halal) outing khatam.
  4. Now be smart in Ramadan.  All you really need to do is remember TWO phrases which are Mash Allah! & Subhan Allah!  Just use these each time you host says anything about him or herself as of course he or she has to rant about how great he is because you are obligated to sit there because he’s paying for the meal.  This will get you in their good books BUT if you want to be invited for another freebie then also keep Astagfir Allah on the tip of your tongue to agree with them when the mock of demean anyone they don’t like.  These idiots will believe that you are totally with them and invite you back for a free meal again. 
  5. As there’s nothing on the radio as well as TV and the cinemas are all confused and saving release dates for Eid  invest in movies on the internet so upgrade your bandwidth or buy popcorn and enjoy your nights with Dr. Aamir Liaqat who has already clubbed Zubaida Aapa’s ratings to death because he hands out great stuff for free.
  6. If you are employed – start being nice to your management or the boss and keep suggesting fun things to do during Ramadan from NOW – get a hype created before Ramadan so that it becomes emotional blackmail and they have to give you an awesome meal for free
  7. If you are the employer then start right now about budget cuts and how you are going into a loss and might have to cut back on some people – this will avoid people from blak mailing you for freebies and or eidi or their salary on time – 6 days before eid fake an illness switch off your phone or its roaming and vanish.  See the results… 

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SPECIAL NOTE / DISCLAIMER! This is an independent blog post not intended to endorse or be against any private, public or social organization, political or religious faction or any living person!  This post has been written to enable you to engage your mind with a free school of thought whom you the reader have and make your own independent choices by yourself!  Further to this please read my disclaimer at the bottom of EVERY blog post (in the past as well) before you go off getting offended!