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Saturday, April 5, 2014

BENEATH THE SURFACE

BENEATH THE SURFACE
If you are in any management position today in any organization be it big or small or your own small concern then I truly feel very sorry for you!  My reasons for this heartfelt sympathy are that when you visited your dad at work at any time up to the mid 80’s you would have realized that life was actually great because everyone had time and offices globally had a “special guy” for everything!  If you dad was a bigwig then for sure he had a receptionist, a telephone operator, a stenographer and a secretary (all different people) to ensure he got the job done!  In those days your dad had a great life because he came home and disconnected to some extent if employed and spent time with family and then maybe on the odd day went and hung out with work buddies and looked forward to his “stag” time.
 
Then the 90’s happened where every senior executive was walking around with an expensive, very heavy plastic brick of some kind known as a mobile phone which was at first a status symbol that managed to diminish the value of every secretary (us sales people know them as gate keepers) and eventually made them defunct and delete that entire position from most organograms! 

This status symbol became a necessity so the industrial world went into over drive and produced so much volume at such ridiculously low cost that mobile communications took a turn at a velocity that the human mind cannot comprehend.  This led to stenographers, typists and everything else that served a purpose being deleted off the organogram as executives were retrained to be self-sufficient to keep the COGS down in every company.  The day they make a robot that will come to your desk and give you Starbucks, your lunch and serve as a vending machine for your gum and cigarettes sadly that day the tea boys you so fondly tip will also be removed from the organogram.  

Another negative point to consider from all this mechanization and technology addiction is that the effect of this race for being connected has resorted to a major ecological problem because once “cloud computing” came into being the world had a major issue with regard to the disposal of old defunct technology that became a major concern even when compared to disposing nuclear toxic waste. 

My point is that today what machine you buy as in a mobile computing platform will never be perfect because you will buy it at a phenomenal cost and when you trade it in you will get peanuts because all of a sudden within six months the hardware cannot support the new software out there that will be current.   Changing a laptop or a tablet is a pain because there is always some form of data loss. Because I import hardware and am tech savvy I have used and worked with so many brands that are windows or Linux based but have never been truly satisfied as some element has always been missing! 

One need to look at the Microsoft Surface as a fantastic solution and not dismiss it because when it comes to next generation computing everything is based upon cloud so really as a business user do not need terabytes of space on a physical hard drive!   Also should you get mugged or your drive crash due to electricity fluctuation… you just lost an immense amount of data!  Today data is everything!   Beneath the sleek surface one gets a whole new generation of technology plugged into your entire company through any Microsoft solution and that will give you a relief by giving you real time access twenty four hours a day as and when you need it. 

People love iPad and frankly those who do, either play games or use it for social media but the limitation in that tablet really makes business computing very mentally cumbersome.  Android is not stable enough as no software build has ever been stable enough to support an entire business organization! 

I strongly suggest that when you are buying your next tablet or your next mobile device or laptop. Combine the two and get yourself a Microsoft Surface!  Yes there will be a learning curve involved but hey you got used to windows 8 didn’t you when you freaked out where the start button went!  As an organization you should adapt and change with the times and not let new technology bind your professional capabilities by keeping you looking in all directions! Look beneath the Surface and see what you can actually achieve with a Microsoft Surface! 

Yes we do stock it! (But Officially!)... and we do have it all the funky colors you would want!

If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali

Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write! 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

PAKISTANI FRANDHSIP



PAKISTANI FRANDHSIP

There is so much negativity about us Pakistani's that I thought that I should write down 20 points of why it is good to befriend a Pakistani!  If you are a Pakistani then you will feel what I have to say from the heart!

1. A normal friend never asks you for food. A Pakistani  Frand is the reason your fridge is empty!

2. A normal friend asks, “How are you doing?” when he sees you. A Pakistani  Frand hugs and kisses you, saying “BC, you son of a bitch, you look so amazing!”

3. A normal friend may not have seen you cry. A Pakistani Frand has cried with you a dozen times and stood with you when the world left you alone!

4. A normal friend sends you flowers and a card when you’re at the hospital. A Pakistani Frand  goes to see you and falls asleep on a chair next to your bed.

5. A normal friend will borrow something and give it back to you in a couple of days. A Pakistani  Frand borrows something and forgets in a week that it doesn’t belong to him. He will never return it and you will never ask for it. Incase you do he will say WTF BC?

6. A normal friend offers you their couch to sleep on. A Pakistani  Frand gives you their bed while they sleep on the floor next to you, keeping you up all night talking.

7. A normal friend knows some stuff about you. A Pakistani  Frand could write a book with all the things you have told them or seen you do and you could go to jail for half of them.

8. A normal friend brings you store-bought medicine when you’re sick. A Pakistani  Frand makes chicken soup and brings all the homemade remedies their grandmother taught them and somehow has an aunty come over and papmer you.

9. A normal friend knocks at your door. A Pakistani  Frand opens the door walks in opens the fridge grabs some food walks into the bathroom whilst your are in the shower and screams happily, “ BC I’m here! WTF! Why arent you ready?”

10. A normal friend asks if you could please make her coffee. A Pakistani  Frand goes straight to the kitchen, helping themself to the coffeemaker and baileys whilst also asking your neighbor for sugar if you don’t have any.
11. A normal friend plans a visit a week ahead of time and asks for a confirmation. A Pakistani  Frand calls anytime and says, “I’ll start cooking in five minutes, bring the drinks!.”

12. When you visit a normal friend at his office, he introduces you using your first and last name. A Pakistani  Frand says, “Man, this dude is my bro we did some serious shit together.”

13. If you’re going through hard times, a normal friend tells you, “I didn’t call you before because I wanted to give you your space.” A Pakistani  Frand calls every hour saying, “BC, Kis ko uthwana hai!, let me know what you need. Fikar Na Kar”

14. A normal friend will refer you to a good lawyer & "try" to help you out. A Pakistani  Frand will spend the night in the thana with you and use every contact he has to make sure you don't get booked!  

15. A normal friend will accompany you on a double blind date if you are paying the bill. A Pakistani  Frand will definitely come on the bind date with you as a wing man and spend the entire date making sure he gets a Bhabi out of that evening!

16. A normal friend would be very polite to your parents. A Pakistani  Frand will make sure they are an adopted child in your house that is more loved than you and always drag you away when its time for a famous lecture!

17. A normal friend will pat your back in case you make a fool of your self . A Pakistani  Frand will take pictures of you in the toilet, make a video from his iPhone and upload it on Whatsapp and Vimeo and make fun of you for the next 3 years so that you do not do it again!

18. A normal friend will try to give you a suggestion that will sound logical. A Pakistani  Frand will always tell you to do what makes you happy and to fuck the world BC!  No matter what your choice is your Pakistani  Frand will always be by your side!

19. A normal friend could be a friend for some time. A Pakistani  Frand will be your friend for life even if you fight with them and they hate you and want to kill you, if you ask them for help all bets are off and the desi bro code kicks in!

20. A normal friend will ignore this post. A Pakistani  Frand or someone who has a Pakistani Frand will pass it along to all of his friends, because he is super proud of being  A Pakistani  Frand. 

I really hope that you are lucky enough to have "One" Pakistani that you c an call a "FRAND"!

If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali

Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write! 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

CHAL BE HARAMI!


 
CHAL BE HARAMI!
In 2007 10 days before my marriage I lost my job as my company decided to shut shop in Pakistan!  Today I realize that this was the best thing that could have happened to me but at that time I was shattered!  I won’t go into the details to tell you what crap I went through because you won’t care and frankly I do not need sympathy or your empathy!  After trying my hands at a lot of crap someone very close to me who mattered in this country gave me a gift of where I got a contract to armor plate and bullet proof vehicles in Islamabad.  This was good business as the money was steady and when you are trained by foreign consultants and have the support of 4 stars it really cuts down the learning curve! 
 
Pretty soon the work became mundane and playing with Toyota SUV’s, and Mercedes & BMW’s became boring with the odd US manufactured SUV.  We were creating nothing just opening up a vehicle and sticking on what was sent to us and that was it!  The only one time we had a great time was when an embassy wanted to test the efficiency in a Level B7 Toyota Amazon so we were allowed to witness a full scale assault on a 7 year old (but in pristine condition) Toyota Amazon!  It was very educational and I got to know that nothing is perfect!  As we had become grease monkeys in suits and were extremely bored walking in and out of the Diplomatic Circles a close friend (my partner in crime) and I got our paws on a Toyota Surf from a UN auction for 64,000 rupees!   
We borrowed the cash made the payment and came home with this vehicle excited that we would sell it and make a quick buck!  On the drive home the 2.4 liter diesel engine we realized was weak so we took it to our workshop!  At first we tried to rebuild it to maintain the originality but then realized that it was not worth it.  So we had to change the engine! Great!   Being a gearhead who spoke many languages I started scouring the markets of Bilal Ganj, Sultan Ka Kahoo, & Shershah.  We got so many options for Toyota that it was not funny!  BUT there was one thing common in all the engines! They ALL needed some form of work!

As we were sitting and discussing about what type of engine to put in and costing of how much it would sell for at the Cinepax Office (where I occasionally Helped out) the son of a major Land Developer came over to watch a movie.  After the film he was showing us his brand new customized Range Rover.  Of course we went on the Motorway and were impressed!  On the way back he dropped us off at our workshop near Adiyala Jail and saw the Surf!  When he inspected it he offered to take it off our hands for double the price and do us a favor because he said that we did not know how to do what we wanted to do and were only good enough to observe real people who would do the work!  Two of us looked at each other and made a bet with him that we would rebuild the surf and have a race with him from Islamabad to the first petrol pump towards Lahore.  The winner would walk away no questions asked with the other ones car keys!

He laughed and walked away as daddy’s money, armed goons and the ability to get things done does make one over confident!  After 3 weeks I bumped into him at a restaurant in F7 where he laughingly told us that in a mocking way that this was not for us in front of his entire entourage and my in-laws!  I made him the same offer to race his Custom Range Rover 2008 against my vehicle after I had prepared it.  The conditions were the same!  After a rebuttal that questioned his Alpha Male ego in front of his chamchas we shook hands in public and got a date of 3 months.

Ok! Now what to do!  Well first thing was that I had fantastic support from people who were auto engineers and fabricators!  Everyone gave me ridiculous ideas which I knew would somehow or the other kill me either financially or on the road when I drove the Surf!  I said a prayer and we started looking at the markets again!  In Bilal Ganj I found the perfect engine.  It was a XJS V12 engine from a jaguar that had been rear ended.  I was about to buy it and was waiting for the money to come in from a payment when I took off with my in laws to the then known NWFP to attend a wedding!  As a joke we wound up driving to Torkhum and walking around the markets I saw a lot of cut offs and parts!  As I looked further I almost was in tears when I saw a Toyota Supra being torn apart and melted down! I noticed that the car had 9,000 miles on it and being a Left hand drive everything left hand was being thrown away. 

I speak Urdu mostly so when I was talking to the owner of the lot he asked for 3lacs for the engine and transmission “with clear papers”.  We started haggling and he somehow came down to 255,000/-.  It was not a deal and after I realized that my in laws would be missing me I wanted to take off and have that fantastic salted lamb we all know about!   As I walked away he leered at me and told me that a farangi like me in jeans should not have come to no man’s land!  I turned and walked away and he mockingly in tribal pushto told some chap behind me things that were very insulting!  In my blue Levis, white T-Shirt & Nike’s I turned around walked back 10 steps and politely told him in Pushto that I am sorry to have disrespected him and wasted his time but there was no need to sling insults related to the women in my family!

His eyes opened wide he dropped his joint and started scratching his scraggly beard and we got into a conversation about me and where I was from…  Bottom line I told him I knew nothing and what I had gotten myself into by protecting my ghairat!  We got lost in talking and after lots of kawa my inlaws found me terrified that I had been kidnapped as mobiles did not work in those areas only sat phones.  As I walked away at dusk and sat in my corolla I had just gotten a 2Jz GTE6 with the entire transmission and everything for free!  Zero money!  It would be delivered to me in Rawalpndi by 6 mechanics who would come down and install it for me and train me how to modify any car.  All I had to do was give them an Ac’d room to sleep in and food and a LCD tv with All the music channels! 

My brother in law was shocked and silent as we drove home!  After 30 minutes of driving I asked him if the man would do what he said and he told me that I had just spoken to the man who is notorious for many things that could not be proven and if he said he would do it then it would be done!  We had to go back as we had to get back by Monday!   On the entire journey I wondered if this would happen and when I got to Pindi I told my partner what had happened!  He called me a fool and we resumed work as normal still worried that we did not have an engine!   The Tribal dude had told me that he would deliver everything with his people by Thursday and when that did not happen I was a laughing stock!  Disappointed and really pissed off at being made a mamoo out of I forgot and resumed work and I started driving to Lahore on Monday for a meeting with makro.  As I hit Kalar Kahar I got a phone call from an unknown number and when I pulled over and answered it I realized that my engine had arrived and they wanted to know where I was in Bahria Town! 


 I told them to hold on and I would be there in 40 minutes and to have lunch and I would come and pay the bill!  I turned my Mercedes around forgot all about Makro and decided I would test the limits of my E260 and its inline 6.  I drove back at a speed between 205 – 232kmh.  I slowed twice to 120 because my radar detector told me of the Motorway police a mile ahead.  And I made it back onto GT road in 43 minutes!  This is when I realized that I had not felt the speed and was extremely safe because the Germans truly knew what they are doing and became loyal to the brand from that day forth!  When I found these guys they were with some relatives at Sultan Ka Kahu having food and after the hugs and dismissing the calls from Makro and everything else that just did not make sense at that time I was relieved to be somewhat out of the hot water. When these Taliban types pulled off the tarp of the truck they came in and I saw not one but 4 (four) engines & transmissions.  two 2Jz GTE6 engines, one Chevy Corvette C5 and a Ford Bronco 4.5 liter engine!

Worried we went back to the shop and after looking at it they said it would not do as they would feel better staying with the relatives and working out of Sultan Ka Kahu as everything would be available to them there.  So I towed the jeep there as the engine had died and came in my jeans and dirty t-shirt looking forward to three weeks of hell and an education I would not want to miss out on!  Let’s put it this way within 48 hours we had a Corvette engine installed in the jeep and no front end at all after the windscreen there was no body and we set the computer.  As she turned my heart fluttered because if you love American cars you know how they roar.  So we threw bags of cement in the back of the jeep and decided to test drive it.  Guess what over the next 18 hours we went through 5 drive shafts and 2 differentials before we realized this was a bad idea!

I had forgotten about sleep and went home to rest when I got back the next day they would not let me see the jeep and they told me to come back the next day in the evening!  When I got there the jeep looked like the way I had brought it so I was confused and thought they had given up on it!  When they handed me the keys and turned the engine I heard the refined and elegant purr of a petrol engine so I popped the hood and saw the 2JzGTE engine inviting me to push its 3.0 liters.  We drove it and I had realized that these guys had done an outstanding job.  When I wanted to take her away they told me to cool off and not get my panties in a twist because I would not be able to stop the jeep at such speed and she would roll over on a turn!  

96 hours later I had custom, interactive hydraulics, carbon fibre discs & ABS braking, a complete digital interface with radar for the cops and everything funky and leather racing seats bottom line I had a car out from fast and the furious!  Somehow these guys had come up with and called for a NOS kit with 4 tanks and fitted that in the back.  After we tried it out we realized that we went through the gaskets one every run we did and had to remove it.  BUT we wanted more speed for endurance, so they tore up the car allover again, they had bored the engine down to 3400 cc and then they rebored it to the max which was 3860cc and then put it back together and slapped on genuine twin turbos!  After another 5 days and removing the manual transmission and installing an automatic one. We had it right! She could beat anyone hopped up civic with NOS and still endure a long run!
Bear in mind what I learned in these 3 ½ weeks was nothing compared to the friendships I made and that too with guys who could not read or write!  The total cost for me over the entire month was only 37,652 rupees!  EVERYTHING WAS FREE! 

I ran the race against my developer so called buddy and made it back 8 minutes or more before him!  He never gave me the keys to his car but did pay for a trip for my then wife and me to Sri Lanka!  I also got a fantastic client who to this date is more than a friend and allows me to drive his Italian sports car in Punjab as and when I want!   Somehow people got to know and we started Islamabad Limos with only 20,000 rupees after that and built many machines.  
We formed Islamabad Racing club and did many races all over Punjab that were endurance based and where there were no rules except for two.
  1. The Driver and the passenger along with the public must be safe when driving at all times so no recklessness.
  2. There are no other rules!
My health screwed me over and being bedridden it fell apart so we shut shop & I moved to Karachi!  11 days ago my friend from Torkhum was in Karachi we met at boat basin and even though we had lost touch we sat and had an awesome conversation for 20 minutes before he left to go to the airport!  He told me that I should start it up again and that Heroinchi itch of racing came back again to me so I texted a beverage company that used to sponsor me if they would help out.  When within 3 seconds I got a call back saying that they were in…  Islamabad Limos became Harami Xtreme…
I still don’t have a car & I still don’t have an engine but I am sure I’ll find one as three days ago I met with the relatives of those from Sultan Ka Kahu & Torkhum in Shershah where I was assured in pushto “that any friend of ******* (name withheld) is a brother of ours!” so I have entire workshop / yard to play with!  I guess that is a start for a Race Harami!

If you need to contact me or wish to befriend me then please... 
To work with me connect with me on Linked In - http://pk.linkedin.com/in/amynaghulamali/
or add me on facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AmynAGhulamali

Disclaimer! - The opinions I post are my own and I do not intend to hurt or offend you!  If you cannot allow me my freedom of thought then you have the right to voice an opinion and navigate away on the web.  If you follow my blog I thank you as it’s quite ridiculously entertaining...that is if you like what & how I write!