Friday, November 8, 2013



If you are a resident of Karachi and just happen to be one of the few who happen to have been born in the right family or happen to have oodles of cash to have bought the blue blood that runs through your veins or might have done things right in life then you are a member of the “clubs” of Karachi.

Clubs are generally a safe haven in Pakistan for likeminded families to come together bond and interact and promote a very healthy lifestyle.  A club is an environment where you may leave your family and turn a blind eye to what they are up to and a secure location where you should not fear their safety because your friends and their families do the same. 

When I grew up in these clubs there was an innocence and charm to the old-school methodology that they preserved.  Irrespective of being a male dominated environment these were the places that abided by their rule books and stuck to the ethos of being pure to the bone where politics, religion and hidden agendas were not appreciated.  The best things about these clubs up until 1980 was that they practiced the American saying to the hilt which is “What happens in Vegas… Stays in Vegas!”  The members would decide in a friendly manner and resolve all issues personal and professional and were willing to help each other survive.

However as we all know that it’s a man’s world so women do not have an equal right in most of these tiny democracies and do not have any voting rights what so ever.  It’s kind of ironic but this is another institution that British left behind which is somehow supposedly beautiful from the outside but the moment you get sucked in you realize that this is George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” all over again where “some animals are more equal than others”.

Sadly in the past decades these clubs have had more diversity and are more torn apart than the entire city of Karachi.  There are families who are related through marriage that refuse to talk to each other, there are those who push extreme ideologies and their own way of thinking upon everyone.  Members have lost their tolerance for one another and have also been known to have dragged the entire club and its pride into the gutters by taking petty issues to outside legal bodies like the courts.   Somehow just like the constitution of this country is amended with by laws to appease a few animals who are more equal than others this is a common practice in these clubs. 

For example take Karachi Gymkhana should you want peace and a quiet place to relax with your family then the best time to do this is between March and July.  As in the other months polite vultures will wine you dine you and even influence you enough to vote for their candidates.  SMS messages, emails and vicious allegations on people that have nothing to do with club matters will try to swing you emotionally any which way only to get you to vote for the new most socially acceptable animal.

Butchers will chase you down, make promises you cannot keep and hound you by showing up in your life because they conveniently want you to wax their egos and ensure that you cast your vote.  Sadly this year people have resorted to sectarian issues where Shia & Sunni Matters are highlighted by people with little or no knowledge of Islam.  The likes of these hypocrites perform a pilgrimage and then celebrate it with an entire magnum (the liquid not so halal kind).  I being a member of many of these clubs read through their individual rule books where in brazen words it was clearly stated in each handbook that actions such as these of propagating unrest through political or religious motives are grounds for dismissal of a membership. 

My question is why on earth do these small insignificant factions hit on religious issues or what some previous presidents daughters cooks second wife did somewhere in another place other than the premises of the club which did not affect the running of the club at all.  Why are we members being “CLUBBED” to death with such negativity when the rule books state that the “Club” is a positive environment?  Why are members being influenced and constantly being given the presidential member in the behind by the likes of those geriatrics who have nothing to do other than fuel hate amongst us.  These unsuccessful politicians are just like one of those desi aunties on finds in an apartment complex who’s only mission in life is to meddle in matters that do not concern her because her own husband is off banging the 19 year old tight maasi.

If you want my vote show me positivity on what you have done when your so called pakora’s were not so fried because as a member my kapooras as baked.  If you want my loyalty then show me how you bettered the place yourself and don’t sell me crap and disguise your follies through the mistakes of those who had a chance.  We are human we are made by the order of the almighty we are not angels and definitely not prophets so why on earth are a privileged few trying to become imams?

Our lives are hard enough with our own internal matters.  We have to band together to unite so how can we all be so caught up in trying to tear each other down when we should be worried about more serious matters other than attending stupid AGM’s and having to pop up in court to appease the likes of those who have insecurities? 

My advice…  If you are a member that is tired of being clubbed to death and have nowhere to hide in your own club by these freaks then simply tell those who try to get your vote by insulting your intelligence to sell their candidate on positivity and not a BBQ late at night fueled by alcohol where are they do is talk about the last pilgrimage they had when can only seem to find God by insulting other people’s faith.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013



Last night I was on my way to Keamari at 12am to the port for some work and I saw that the US Consulate had car lifters moving containers in a panic to block of a main road.  Today as I sat down on the throne (Where we all do the best thinking under pressure) I realized that forget Guantanamo Bay these so called “bullies” from the west are actually terrified of a bunch of sand niggers like the pushtoons who kicked the crap out of the Russians in the early 80’s and us on Khota Garis!

I thought of the 80’s when I went and got myself a visa to go and party for 4 years in the US and all I had to do was walk up to the doors where two Marines who actually smiled in blue jackets stood at the door (not armed) there was no picket fence but the consulate on Abdulla Haroon Road was a presence that was welcomed in the Reagan Administration.  I waited for my turn in an awesome library where I was free to roam and did not get the usual colonoscopy that most people get today!

Today the minimum / maximum security prison (Oops US Consulate) on Mai Kolachi houses an array of people who are terrified and do not have the  freedom to state their citizenship as guests in our country because the realize that the way the global cookie is crumbling is only adding to their problems and not helping it.  Each and every one of these people know that the seal of the United States represents and their own constitution is based upon on main fundamental and that is “Freedom” however the past two decades of playing Global Policemen and Demi Gods to the illiterate masses in the MENA region has not only circumcised their ability to win in a pissing contest rather left them with only one option and that is to play the victims via the media through their own self-created insanity!

The reason the United States will never win any form of war with Pakistan is because it is the only Army that has a country!  Forget the poverty forget the illiteracy forget the socio economic diversity.  If you want a blend of culture you do not need to be in Manhattan to see a melting pot because Pakistan is a Melting pot.  We are a nation that so divided but within the blink of an eye we have this ability to wreak havoc when it comes to cricket, cups of tea and will even feed and host and tend to the wounds of those who slaughtered our sons should they beg for help at our doors because we follow a religion so powerful and so pure that it terrifies the west!

In the west the governments are rich and the people are constantly on dole.  Here in our homeland the people are insanely rich and the government insanely in their hands so you’re kind of screwed in the pooch when you try to mess with it!  If we understand the Boston Tea Party and when the Brits took over the US (freemason theology) they walked into virgin territory got the natives drunk and made them gamble away their lands.  (made a mamu out of them).  Sadly the Yanks have not gotten over the Brits calling them colonials and the ripple effects are that the Brits still have not gotten over the fact that the freemasons only got a Kohinoor out of the entire Bombay Company!

When one worries about sectarian violence one should consider the basic fundamentals of Islam which are love and respect.  Hazrat Ali (A.S.) believed in “Unite & Conquer with love” a legacy which he passed on down being the favorite of our beloved prophet PBUH.  If you compare our Islamic battles they were purely fought over religion & culture and if you compare them to the western “crusades” you will realize those were inquisitions fought over territory!

Now before you sit down and start plotting which sect you want to destroy just sit and think what Mahatma Gandhi a Hindu thought of Islam
“My admiration for the noble sacrifice of Imam Hussein (a.s) as a martyr abounds, because he accepted death and the torture of thrust for himself, for his sons, and for his whole family, but did not submit to unjust authorities.” “I learnt from Hussain how to achieve victory while being oppressed.”
"My faith is that the progress of Islam does not depend on the use of sword by its believers, but the result of the supreme sacrifice of Hussain.”
“If India wants to be a successful country, it must follow in the footsteps of Imam Hussain(as).
 “If I had an army like the 72 soldiers of Hussain, I would have won freedom for India in 24 hours.”

Forget 72 soldiers of Hussain today we are an emotionally charged lot of 18 crore & growing and the best thing is that we are lunatics with a nuclear arsenal.  We are living a Karbala daily and we need to stop the senseless violence.  We must unite and win the war which is to survive.  We need to have faith in ourselves and our religion because it says we are humble and filled with love.  If you understand Karbala and are going to sit with your imam you will cry because it is not sorrow you feel for the losses but it is because you do not have the ability to be as loyal as those chosen few who gave themselves out of love.

Forget your politicians, forget your miseries and be one of the 72 solders of Hussain (A.S.) this Muharram stop being scared and just feel the love as it will only get worse if you allow it to!