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Friday, November 15, 2013

FAH-Q

"FAH-Q"

When one walks around the Karachi Gymkhana these days he or she will be hounded by longtime friends (old farts smelling of strong cheap ittar) who are today strangers that will take a sudden interest bearing a cheap plastic smile and after asking their wellbeing will usually ask “Are you Temporary or Permanent?” (membership status that is – BUT in reality are you that diaper rash I want to deal with or can brush aside to carry on my duties for the Demi-God (presidential candidate) that I serve whilst stripping myself of my own dignity by being the biggest schmuck going) 

Test this theory if you are in your mid-thirties / forties f you reply “Temporary” their smile will drop into a dismayed look but will pop up again into a fake hopeful smile when they ask you using your last name “____ sahab kaisay hain?” (as in is your old man still alive, and if so is he sane and able to move around on a stretcher / wheelchair or has an ambulance where he may be dragged through the gutters to cast that damn vote that this scoundrel is trying to bag) Should you say that you buried your father 3 years ago and never saw this Johnny at the funeral where the Biryani was free he will leave you with a big FAH-Q! (shout the abbreviation out as a single word and you have your answer)

Now the FAH-Q is (oh by the way it stands for Frequently Asked Hard Question, children are reading so come on no profanity please!)  “Aap permanent ban na chahian gay!” (emphasis on the word “gay” is duly stressed) the reason is because this monkey who escaped from the looney bin will now use what he has as a last resort and that is try to grow a tail on you like he has with one of the seven deadly sins which is greed by bartering the cost of a permanent membership against the hopes that his “Pakora, Samosa or Fruit Chaat” (by the way all these fried unhealthy desi treats have one thing common in them and that is Aaloo’s) or whatever group wins the elections of the KG!  So now in order to save your hard earned 7 or 8 lacs (I do not know the going rate as these jokers seem to inflate and deflate it to meet their own needs as and when they require) to become permanent he will expect you to abandon all forms of common sense and become a club lobby rat and start soliciting those community members and trade your professional respect as he himself has done so for some ridiculous cause you could not care for.

Hanging around the Karachi Gym Khana these days has become a pain and a nightmare it seems that people are more focused on investing for 30 days to strip the club dry of (forget money) but the ethos behind what it stood for in the rule book for the next eleven months.  If you have any form of common sense you will understand that you do not need Quran TV, Hum TV, Geo Super, or even Star World this is because a simple visit there to the bakery will leave you with an experience where you will experience more dramatics, satta & obnoxious hypocritical piety there than anywhere in Pakistan.  Maybe if you want to find safe haven you might go and hang out at the Parliament in Isloo where you will find that Pakistan will progress faster than the KG because there is a system in all this organized social chaos you will witness at the club.

I have a feeling that we will be able to resolve the Kashmir issue with India quicker than rid ourselves of this lot of merry pirates who every year propose “temporary solutions to a permanent problem which in actuality is themselves” This year when you vote kindly ask yourselves the following questions in the following order.
  1. Has the person been in touch with you as a “Fraand” throughout the year?
  2. Has the person remembered you at other times of the year when it did not benefit him in anyway shape or form?
  3. Is the person asking for the vote bitching about his opponent to make himself look good?
  4. If he is so then is it about club issues or the fact that his childs driver is having an affair with the complainants maasi? (or any other ridiculous non-relevant matter to the club you can think of)
  5. Lastly is your self-respect and dignity that cheap that you will settle down for what this clown is offering in the form of the price tag he is putting on the value of his friendship with you?

I for one am running around the KG with a big badge saying “FAH-Q am I Temporary or Permanent?” whoever answers it correctly will get a big lollypop!


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