Friday, November 8, 2013



If you are a resident of Karachi and just happen to be one of the few who happen to have been born in the right family or happen to have oodles of cash to have bought the blue blood that runs through your veins or might have done things right in life then you are a member of the “clubs” of Karachi.

Clubs are generally a safe haven in Pakistan for likeminded families to come together bond and interact and promote a very healthy lifestyle.  A club is an environment where you may leave your family and turn a blind eye to what they are up to and a secure location where you should not fear their safety because your friends and their families do the same. 

When I grew up in these clubs there was an innocence and charm to the old-school methodology that they preserved.  Irrespective of being a male dominated environment these were the places that abided by their rule books and stuck to the ethos of being pure to the bone where politics, religion and hidden agendas were not appreciated.  The best things about these clubs up until 1980 was that they practiced the American saying to the hilt which is “What happens in Vegas… Stays in Vegas!”  The members would decide in a friendly manner and resolve all issues personal and professional and were willing to help each other survive.

However as we all know that it’s a man’s world so women do not have an equal right in most of these tiny democracies and do not have any voting rights what so ever.  It’s kind of ironic but this is another institution that British left behind which is somehow supposedly beautiful from the outside but the moment you get sucked in you realize that this is George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” all over again where “some animals are more equal than others”.

Sadly in the past decades these clubs have had more diversity and are more torn apart than the entire city of Karachi.  There are families who are related through marriage that refuse to talk to each other, there are those who push extreme ideologies and their own way of thinking upon everyone.  Members have lost their tolerance for one another and have also been known to have dragged the entire club and its pride into the gutters by taking petty issues to outside legal bodies like the courts.   Somehow just like the constitution of this country is amended with by laws to appease a few animals who are more equal than others this is a common practice in these clubs. 

For example take Karachi Gymkhana should you want peace and a quiet place to relax with your family then the best time to do this is between March and July.  As in the other months polite vultures will wine you dine you and even influence you enough to vote for their candidates.  SMS messages, emails and vicious allegations on people that have nothing to do with club matters will try to swing you emotionally any which way only to get you to vote for the new most socially acceptable animal.

Butchers will chase you down, make promises you cannot keep and hound you by showing up in your life because they conveniently want you to wax their egos and ensure that you cast your vote.  Sadly this year people have resorted to sectarian issues where Shia & Sunni Matters are highlighted by people with little or no knowledge of Islam.  The likes of these hypocrites perform a pilgrimage and then celebrate it with an entire magnum (the liquid not so halal kind).  I being a member of many of these clubs read through their individual rule books where in brazen words it was clearly stated in each handbook that actions such as these of propagating unrest through political or religious motives are grounds for dismissal of a membership. 

My question is why on earth do these small insignificant factions hit on religious issues or what some previous presidents daughters cooks second wife did somewhere in another place other than the premises of the club which did not affect the running of the club at all.  Why are we members being “CLUBBED” to death with such negativity when the rule books state that the “Club” is a positive environment?  Why are members being influenced and constantly being given the presidential member in the behind by the likes of those geriatrics who have nothing to do other than fuel hate amongst us.  These unsuccessful politicians are just like one of those desi aunties on finds in an apartment complex who’s only mission in life is to meddle in matters that do not concern her because her own husband is off banging the 19 year old tight maasi.

If you want my vote show me positivity on what you have done when your so called pakora’s were not so fried because as a member my kapooras as baked.  If you want my loyalty then show me how you bettered the place yourself and don’t sell me crap and disguise your follies through the mistakes of those who had a chance.  We are human we are made by the order of the almighty we are not angels and definitely not prophets so why on earth are a privileged few trying to become imams?

Our lives are hard enough with our own internal matters.  We have to band together to unite so how can we all be so caught up in trying to tear each other down when we should be worried about more serious matters other than attending stupid AGM’s and having to pop up in court to appease the likes of those who have insecurities? 

My advice…  If you are a member that is tired of being clubbed to death and have nowhere to hide in your own club by these freaks then simply tell those who try to get your vote by insulting your intelligence to sell their candidate on positivity and not a BBQ late at night fueled by alcohol where are they do is talk about the last pilgrimage they had when can only seem to find God by insulting other people’s faith.

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