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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

HOW TO PRONOUNCE ASS-U-ME!

We really are a frustrated bored lot… on the way home a good accident is something we all enjoy watching and really to escape from our own boredom our adrenalin gets pumping when we see blood and guts at the scene… we are fueled up like coke junkies who have just had a fix as we are armed with gossip to talk about rather than how sucky life really is..

Assumptions are the reason to blame when our Mouche was shaved when Bush got trimmed from the white house. A white spot was the assumption that led Clinton to the verge of divorce and too that was an assumption. Democracy and World peace is also an assumption which has lead to the ousted colonial occupation of the MEA and SEA region. Lately assumptions are what killed those two boys in Sialkot. Assumptions are what has destroyed our three finest cricketers.

Now let’s go reverse gear for a second back a few decades Pakistan won the world cup and its captain made a speech about mommy’s dream and paid no tribute to the team that worked for the world cup… he came back to be the only one to drive a 911 porsche in Pakistan (white) and then no one assumed where the money came from.

A man was accused of corruption and people assumed that he was going to hanged the assumption was that if there was dirt in Pakistan he is it. Today He is president! A man ran away from Pakistan and was assumed to be coming back to save Sindh today he is found screaming and singing on a telephone to a crowd that swoons to his tune and the assumption is still there… the latest of the assumptions were that we would do anything for the floods but the media is now focused on finding any bit of dirt it can on anything and anyone with a mobile is a dost…. Is that also an assumption…

We had one thing to look forward to and that was cricket and till date no man have I seen who has been born with three balls to rock the world as the headlines state… Us Pakistanis are intelligent and incredibly shrewd business men yet our social stigmas have made us blind to the fact that we cannot to this date pronounce ASS-U-ME… How sad as the latest series of number plates in Sindh begin with ASS and have been taken up by most of the literate governing elite…

Monday, August 30, 2010

A MATTER OF FAT

When I was ye high (teenager) university and the promised land was my home for half a decade. I studied nothing but became obese with a steady diet of cholesterol and carbohydrates and everything fizzy. My mother found a new obsession to help me reduce weight and with endless tries of her hiding all the sweets leave alone sugar many an ugly scene took place in our living room. Her concern was my physical health and my wisdom argued that she would not let me live in peace…

When I got married my waist was proudly 58 inches… I was waddling around the halls of my office and every time I bent over to pick up a stapler or a pen that had fallen I was afraid that in broad daylight the world would see a full moon as the fabric of my trousers was giving its best to hold my carcass together… I could not put on my shoes and climbing up a few steps was something that was like meeting Edmund Hillarys challenge. Yes I was the fastest to make a dash across the room and swipe candy from a baby and the quickest to dissect a pizza in not so equal portions.

Today 33 months after being married I am 39 inches on my waist and able to do a lot more than I could. The credit goes to my wife. I would like to share this secret of losing weight with you as I feel it could benefit you or anyone you know so that you don’t feel like I did. My wife’s recipe was and is a success for all and I hope that it works for you…

Rule one – feel good and let go of your demons – most people are obese because they find pleasure in food that makes up for their lacking in other social issues.
Rule two – eat regularly and at set times – my breakfast usually is a bowl of cereal or even a couple of eggs on buttered toast then as lunch comes I eat a usually anything even fried but I don’t stuff my self – I eat my dinner by 7pm and nothing else after that maybe a cup of green tea
Rule three – keep drinking water all day and keep on having green tea – any will do just be sure that its not loaded with sugar
Rule four – try being a little active and find another hobby other than playing remote control football.
Rule five – enjoy life

It’s very simple and easy – bottom line… discipline your lifestyle and you will lose weight… See you on the thinner side…

HUSSAINS KARBALA

As this is the holy month of Ramadan, I figured that this would be the best topic for this article… my reasons are as follows. The establishment in question has withstood the test of time and the person has definitely withstood the test of many a questioning eye… both local and international…

The industry is Real Estate and whilst people know that the being is a success story who promises to deliver what he claims then recently the man has done a Bill Gates on Pakistan! When declared the most richest man Bill gates was faced with the great IRS and he had to pay billions in taxes… with fame and fortune came out the begging bowls of the government. His reaction was to give away 46% of all holdings of Microsoft in the form of charity thus instantly boosting share prices out of meeting his csr requirements and throwing himself into a tax free bracket. The army of lawyers designed the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation and now with trillions in earnings every year he evades taxes by doing charity.

In Pakistan our own karbala has happened and people within the real estate industry are crying tears of blood. Certain companies who have investors from A to Z and stretching from one end of P to another have all been under the fire of what to do. Mr. Hussain has clearly turned black into white and ensured that he will live forever as the man who cared too much.

A recent article in the nation depicted that behind the man stood an entire educated thought of patriotism and ferver to save this country… With the recent postings of this man’s achievements I decided to dig a little deeper. This Karbala is about the several if not thousands of cases pending in courts of law against the real estate demi god by people who have had their lands forcefully taken away. What has been presented as a man who gave 70% of his fortune to help Pakistan is known as a common baron of the land grabbing mafia and the general school of thought is that if you do charity then the money must be halal… how can you do charity with stolen money?

The funny thing is that this karbala has been caused by too much water and now it seems that all business men are grabbing live preservers to escape drowning…

Sunday, August 29, 2010

REFOCUS – CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS

Within the international community this week focuses on children with special needs! That is wonderful… I would like to ask all my citizens to specially focus on our 300+ special children. We need to understand that parenting today is extremely difficult and the monsters we see today are because we raised them to be this way.

Our little pack of special wolves has the special Alpha Male who does nothing rather than be extremely special. His close ally the stammering Mamoo special child is extremely challenged without any grey matter and we are very lucky that he is able to now read the words of any speech written for him as strong amounts of lithium are able to help cure the stammer…

Our special children have a home in Islamabad where they all assemble every couple of weeks to indulge in releasing their frustrations via screaming shouting and being obnoxious. Aah the joys of loving special children. What makes them incredibly special is the fact that we made them so special… We encourage their special extracurricular activities and fuel their special needs for more power even though there is none in this country. How wonderfully special we feel when our little tykes find many ways to rob us blind and yet smile at us in the who me cheek manner…

Please this month if you can with all the water around try not to flush your areas special child as love (emotional not physical) is a very curing factor… every special child needs love even if they are a badmash or they don’t have the certifications from a university to guarantee their specialness… it’s a good cause so love your special child this week!