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Thursday, September 9, 2010

HOW TO SURVIVE CHAAND RAAT – INSTRUCTIONS FOR CHILDREN OF ALL AGES

Ok! Now to all my friends who are not so confused about what element of society they belong to I write this article for you as you are about to be robbed by your parents and elders of the one thing you have looked forward to for the past thirty days… I cry tears of blood for you as your parents will make you into sacrificial lambs prematurely and confuse the two eids together…

I am not Nostradamus but the inevitable shall be that mommy and daddy are going to be sipping lattes at butlers whilst Lals hops around trying to sell them confectionery items and in between the king Edward cigars (buying Cuban would be a crime because of the floods) and not taking cinnamon and whipped cream (we must do without and do our bit around the rotary merry go round) the topic of discussions will be about how you have to do without as they have probably ravaged your life savings to show how you can do without…

As we are not celebrating by ordering low fat cakes and cocoa products I’m sure that the clubs and Aghas would also be stocking up on diet Schweppes and zero fat perrier to do their bit in society… Ok so we will not use the family BMW and will resort to using the fillipinos reborn civic because it has cng so there is another element to helping companies like shell and pso out… please understand that no longer are you in a race to hide the fact that you don’t have much as your 12 million KVA generators are enough to support the entire sohrab goth region rather you must hang out on the street corners east of the Clifton bridge and beg with boxes on street corners that are deserted by beggars who are feeding of the flood affected areas… if not then the local SHOOS have shooed away the beggars even though they rented that traffic light to earn a decent night wage at an emotional time like this religious event upon us.

Ok now to the grass roots and going to the mattresses (not after we have had too much Christmas pudding – wait that is another holiday) – I want to tell you how to survive your parents and Eid should be very less damaging to you… Most importantly quickly hide away anything of any value to you like your ipod, piggy bank and or your coolest three week old se=neakers before they are pledged by mommy along with her hip huggers to the flood affected ares – you need clothes. Secondly – make sure that when dad is half awake or asleep you ensure that you tell him that he is your favorite when mom is not around and that how much a laptop that you are using means to you – it would be useless if it wound up in the hands of some NGO person… (it does not matter if you have six others but this is your treasure) Make sure to tell mom the same thing and this time tell her how wonderful she is and how baked beans are something you love so that they don’t go into the donation boxes as well – also make sure you tell her that all your mamoos rock and her best friend looks worse than her – this so that you actually get eidi and it does not go into the throes of some glorified housewife turned beautician… fine now down to essentials… you need to buy or invest in padlocks and chains so that you bicycles are not pledged into delivering aid to the victims and then you become a victim your self – I assure you there are enough vehicles that will deliver your joe boxers to who really need it – before you donate those please make sure you wash them as even village folk do not to know that yellow goes in the fornt and brown at the back

Ok when you are out and about on chaand raat make sure that you complain excessively about what you don’t have and what value it could give you from an educational point of view – even if it is something you don’t need you need to remember the words of your art teacher and explore your creativity – now is the time that your education will pay you back… you have worked hard by begging on the streets and not had a share in the booty even the spectrum of lies that we go through each year takes a cut when it organizes balls for various elements of confusion so why should you not get your share of the cost – you cried and now have a diploma in begging – you are also a part of the mafia as daddys phone call made it possible to eradicate beggars so that you were not beaten up when you used you various talents to sink to a new level – demand respect and remind your elders of how they humiliated you…

If you really need a vacation please tell your parents that you are going through a mid life crisis and practice how to sulk so that they reward you with tons of freebies and money rather than time which you wanted. Atleast when the mobs descend upon your city you will have something to barter for your lives with once they done ripping away anything of any value…

If you can make a choice then make the right one when you pray for eid namaz – Thank Allah for giving you the patience to survive the insanity for this Ramadan. And then just pray for one thing – COMMON SENSE – please pray that the ones who will leave behind a sordid tomorrow for you have the ability to gain common sense and actually address the issues that are at hand which are social – if not then get your Christmas lists out to santa and ensure that the first three things you ask for are a bullet proof car / an ak47 with a laser scope and / a bullet proof vest as Christmas in gaza is just a joke as to what will happen in due course…
Eid Mubarak and I hope you don’t get sacrificed…

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