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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

People tell me that I write about serious issues and it goes against my image of being someone who laughs and jokes around. So I was on the hunt for a subject to write on – Now the topic had to be interesting – educational as well as convey some form of serious issue… Then when I heard that some girl in a college was being sexually harassed by some cool dude I realized how lucky I was… Aha the perfect issue to write on! Ok now I found out that this chick was going to go the conventional method of launching complaints and try to see what justice she would be able to find from a geriatric principal who was a male… I realized that I should map out the way for this innocent child to completely turn the tables of sexual harassment around and teach this loser a lesson.

First let’s understand the person who harasses someone and what the other name for harassment is. The more politically not so correct term is a form of bullying. Most bullies are insecure people who prey on victims that will not be able to fight back or at least they think so. When dealing with a bully or a sexual harasser one needs to fight fire with fire and this method I know will work. The reason is before I got married I was also someone who was a known offender of the innocent kind… People who bully are under the illusion that they are in control of the situation so in order to destroy them one needs to do the following…
Become friendly to the person harassing you – he or she is after one thing only as you the victim, are a conquest to him or her. As soon as you start a dialog ensure that you lead the person on so brutally that they fall completely in lust with you (not love) that means give them hope of fireworks on the fourth of July atop mount Everest but never deliver the reality that they are suckers… When you have to meet the person always make sure you are never alone rather in front of people and in a crowd. Your investment in this will be 100 rupees worth of sms messages that will promise the person that they are Casanova and you are reality but in fact a black widow. Sexually frustrated people usually once they get a hope that there is light somewhere at the end of the tunnel will defy all forms of logic and spend endlessly in the form of mobile credit and tons of gifts to get to the promised land. Be sure that you have an extremely expensive list of things that you periodically ask for thus destroying the person’s ability to balance any form of funds taken from daddy or from selling their sisters mobile…

When you are at public places ensure that you always order the most expensive thing and when in a group which you should be you are advised to ensure you make a quick retort that questions a person’s place in society – like are you sure you can afford it – bottom line politely humiliate without causing a scene. Also when you have close friends of the bully nearby make sure that you establish a brilliant relationship with them and that the bully is not your focus rather your attention will be on the bully who sexually offended you… Yes the saying all is fair in love and war is very true – this is war and you cannot take any prisoners… Your victory lies in the brutal assassination of a human being from all points so that he or she realizes that they are not invincible… Bottom line… bullies move onto many victims and this is a serial trait which needs to be dealt with like a snake… cut off the head and you have won…

Ok we got to the bit of messing with the bank budget – destroying social circles that the person has and now we move on to the destruction of trust… make sure that you establish that this bully is questioned at every step by their family so get to know them well too… pass comments that question that persons credibility like – the work or exam was easy but why did it take you so long… are you still smoking up… are you using protection with your friends … where do you get all this extra money as your family is humble and honest…

Bullies usually find victims away from them and are cowards… so the bottom line of handling a bully is to grab them by what hurts them the most – their egos… as the person tries to establish a distance from you as now basically you are a pain in the butt and too uncomfortably close use those friends that were the bullies and now yours to spread a rumor that the person is suffering from various sexually transmitted diseases or social stigmas like hanging out with transvestites and is extremely kinky… Once the bully finds out they will do the rest by actually screaming like a 5 year old who has lost its toy and do the rest of the work for you and in reality implode with anger…

Wow amazing huh all it takes is three weeks to destroy a human being and that too by capitalizing on the seven deadly sins which are their weaknesses… Oh yeah… make sure that at all times you remember how much pain they caused you and focus your anger at not getting mad rather getting even…

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