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Saturday, August 21, 2010

SURVIVING RAMADAN

I am a wounded Muslim super hero! No cape! No powers that make me fly or peek through clothing but gifted by the almighty with a cast iron stomach!  I am "Mr. Hero Rozaydar"

Being raised in Karachi and having had pretty much anything off the roads I am able to survive any aunty’s spicy nehari and baboos biryani…  I have survived as a super hero ingesting pretty much anything halal because I live by the belly watchers super hero philosophy of – if you can cook it – then eat it and no matter how it tastes to state always with a smile it tasted like chicken…

Every super hero faces an arch enemy and mine is Iftari time at Ramadan – I am forced to visit dubious settings where carnivorous and not so polite elite gentry meet.  After holding back all desires of lust for food these people swarm upon the feasts like vultures out of Ethopia.  As I fight my way through the evil crowd of folk who only talk about everything holy I have to defend myself from a vicious mob of people who are out to get that last ghulab jaman…

As the siren goes off one thinks that the holocaust just took place as the feeling of being in a concentration camp sets in.  Humans are converted into kinetic vacuums and they have the ability to devour anything in their path.  Amidst the grunting gagging and swallowing the only sound that can be heard is the praise of the newest member who has just joined the ranks of those who fast.  

After the goodies are gone belts are loosened and the chairs pushed back – begins a verbal orgy of humiliating the menu leave alone the cook.  Then after releasing pressure from both ends a discussion begins amidst the wry smiles holding cigarettes at their biggest achievement of not smoking for a day…

Why did I begin by saying I’m a super hero well because I had to survive an entire day amidst people who thought they were doing the world a favor by fasting – they tried to run me down as I hobbled down the road because they had a mission to go home and lay in slumber in front of the boob tube because the pangs of fasting were setting in. I survived how each person declared they had just bought a first class ticket to heaven by fasting and how their demons had vanished and only in a few hours of being in this holy month they had had a life changing experience…  I survived and after 24 hours from a simple human being I have been transformed into a human blender – twenty five minutes after I left the iftar till this moment I am faced with a dilemma – anything solid that goes through my mouth is coming out as a slurpee (not by choice)

I began writing this to advise my fellow friends who fast of a few things to keep ready in your own super hero  utility belts -  eno fruit slats two packets / immodium  - as per your body size / disprin / esphagol / baby, and adult diapers / lots of paper towels and three bottles of water – one incase you need to re-hydrate your  self and use your imagination for the two others.

Now the second essentials that will make you look goofy are as follows (binoculars – to see the feasts that are far from you / spiked running shoes to run faster than the crowd to get to the table and a dupatta or a wife (who has a dupatta) to throw what you cant fit on your plate – taking a tray from home to an iftar would be plain rude – earplugs would also be great to block out the screams of the toddlers that you would trample whilst making it to the buffet table – lastly a nose clamp would do miracles in keeping everything inside you after you are hit with the smell of ittar sweat and cheap knock off perfumes once you have filled yourself enough and we can see the menu in your eyeballs

As you are reading this you survived the first day and now that was a major achievement that you are able to call someone and discuss what’s up for sehri  - you traded one devil for a few sins but your conscience is clear (gluttony / greed & vanity) but who cares as long as you don’t get stains on your hand stitched local designer wear its all ok…  remember that you have quite a few more to go so get your self charged up right and be that super hero that you wanted to be after thrity days of fasting I’m sure you will celebrate.  Just know the answer for what before you ask that of yourself…  Humility / patience / solitude and a piece of mind bringing you closer to your maker or just the opposite – go one be a super hero this world needs more of them!

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